1.
Stoner: Could you bring some edibles to the party? Me: No worries mate, I'm all about the 420.
2.
we had a fire alarm situation earlier this email is all time
3.
Oh what so only roosters are allowed to start the day with screaming
4.
this is still the greatest drunken note i've ever left in my phone and i refuse to delete it
5.
enjoying this “hot mr bean” aesthetic on ASOS
6.
lol i'd never checked out LMFAO's full discography before
7.
Let's not pretend that a bloke in havianas running on wet tiles isn't the real Australian Ninja Warrior.
8.
woah Get Out 2 looks wild
9.
Feeling old af.
10.
If you ask any Australian how their trip to a small country town was, the first thing they'll say is "yeah good, we found this nice bakery"
11.
Melbourne be dropping the mic.
12.
*uses last breath to grunt in Extremely Manly Voice* living is for GIRLS
13.
this came to me in a dream
14.
baby pangolins always look like they're waiting to nervously ask you to prom
15.
what is the charge? enjoying a meal? a succulent barbeque meal?
16.
Australian Govt: R U OK? LGBTI community: Actually we're really n... Govt: Not you.
17.
how goods this passiona? Justin Bieber: that's pasito sorry
18.
when y'all subtweet and I have to search for the full story
19.
holy fucking shit men on line lmao
20.
someone I worked with at Macca's ten years ago just commented 'sit on my face daddy' on a photo of Clive Palmer on fb what is 2017
21.
Checking I.D is a waste of time. Wearing no Country Road: UNDERAGE One Country Road item: probably 21 2+ Country Road item: fukkin old
22.
today i found out my boss has a #sadlunch slack channel which only he is in and where he writes diary entries about his sad lunches
23.
"LIVE. LAUGH. LOVE." commands the small cushion. You whisper "I'm trying" but that only makes it angrier
24.
You may think you're problematic, but are you "Argentinian with a German surname" problematic?
25.
The sign for Italy in Australian Sign Language is so, so good
26.
Describe Australia in one sentence:
27.
Man bring back yelling "THINK QUICK" and then chucking shit at your mates
28.
A lot to unpack here folks
29.
i miss when everyone was emo cos u could stay @ ur male friends house and then borrow his hair straightener in the morning
30.
7. 'Australians have no culture' smh yes we do.
31.
I know I'm not the best at conversation but my uber driver just asked me if I like food
32.
When David Attenborough dies I probably won't bother with nature anymore.
33.
[son hands me a picture he painted] Me: what's that Son: it's our house Me [walks outside with son]: do you see how it absolutely isn't?
34.
Finally, through the miracle of science, we know what a homophobic Minogue sister would look like.
35.
36.
In New York City, the dedicated detectives who investigate these vicious felonies are members of an elite squad kno… https://t.co/KcA9URyAHy
37.
iphone x is just another thing in my life that judges me on how I look before opening up
38.
The Bachelor is the only time a guy can openly be like, "I want to fuck everyone of these women," & everyone's like, "omg he's so romantic!"
39.
Sad news. I've just heard that the bloke who invented predictive text has pissed away. His funfair is next monkey.
40.
fuck me i’d try
41.
james franco's california mansion is cheaper than a marrickville two bedroom with no backyard
42.
Have we peaked? Y/Y
43.
When u feelin' as fine as the 11th October 👌🙌 💯 😍💯🙌✌️️
44.
Can we stop calling sexual assault a ‘sex scandal’? Like if a person stabs someone it’s not a ‘knife debacle’
45.
australia is a messy bitch that loves drama
46.
How would I rate Southern Cross Tattoos? Five stars.
47.
48.
Anime recommendation: Opening credits to The Nanny
49.
if your bananas goes black just fucking throw them out don't freeze them you're never going to make that fucking cake stop kidding yourself
50.
Cory Bernardi accidentally crashed a WA Labor 'Vote Yes' photoshoot in Parliament 🤣🤣
51.
*a single VB drop runs down my face as khe sanh plays in the distance*
52.
me when i joined twitter vs me now
53.
Searching for the Netflix category: terrible but addictive in a way I can keep up with the plot while still starting at my phone
54.
oh COME ON
55.
The Kath and Kim reboot looks lit.
56.
huge scoop from the australian's video department
57.
58.
Donald Trump deleting then reactivating Twitter is giving me nostalgic memories of signing in and out of MSN to get your crush's attention
59.
60.
to any international followers who may be confused, i just wanted to explain what's going on in australian politics… https://t.co/vFR2z1zcN0
61.
ok sure but why this analogy
62.
The Hunger Games cannon sound but for every time a brand removes the rainbow filter from their social media display picture this week.
63.
new fave meme
64.
If there's one thing that Dads love, it's knowing exactly how many millimetres of rain we've had
65.
anyone else grow up in a house where a streets viennetta was considered a super fancy desert only to be had on special occassions
66.
This whole gay wedding cake thing could end in tiers
67.
I can’t confirm this with science but I like to think Queen Carrie Fisher is using her new heavenly powers to help… https://t.co/T6M5L8jJk6
68.
At one of her meet and greets, Taylor Swift met a young boy who complimented her writing. He went on to say that he… https://t.co/9Fvd7Z62y7
69.
70.
Waiter: Your steak, very rare Me: Thanks. Wow, that is rare
71.
"Yeah, I got some BitCoin..."
72.
Him: choke me Me:
73.
74.
Sorry Katter, I'm spending a lot of time on it.
75.
English people will dead put anything in a sandwich. Fish fingers, chips, crisps, sausages. You name it, it's going in the fucking bread
76.
.@ABSStats i don't think you guys are taking this thing seriously
77.
"Smashed avo, won't be able to afford a house HAR HAR HAR!" Right up there with the dickhead that yells "Taxi!" when a drink is spilt.
78.
Offical new Australian Flag design submission #BacheloretteAU #TheBacheloretteAU
79.
Someone is apparently trying to sell naked photos of me to my fans. Save your money, here it is for free. Everyday… https://t.co/vy0jtnw2IV
80.
I’ve just seen my doctor quickly close the Wikipedia page for ‘bones’
81.
Everyone brags about doing the "Irish Goodbye" (leaving without telling anyone) but I've humbly mastered the "Irish Hello" (staying home)
82.
Bring Your Midlife Crisis To Work Day
83.
But in the sheets?
84.
"Healthy Harold? Mate I haven't heard that name in years."
85.
my friend is in this fb group called "bad girls advice", its all extremely bogan women posting about how sweet "the… https://t.co/BFxpv0Lov0
86.
No you bloody idiots, look at its legs
87.
Cop: u get to make one call Me: ok but like where's my mobile this isn't 1997 i don't know any numbers except for lube mobile 13 30 32
88.
My Dad though Russell Coight was real. Anytime I watched him, Dad would walk in and be like "Oh not that dickhead again, he knows NOTHING!"
89.
OBEY 👏 ALL 👏 ROAD 👏 SIGNS
90.
throwback to when I liked this girls fb status & my dad (who wasn't friends with her) commented on it
91.
Adam, 26, gaslights u at every house party, asks how you learned about such good music halfway thru your DJ set, in… https://t.co/Nrd2oZolTN
92.
Remember that in the Australian summer it's illegal to go into a bottleshop and not say to the bloke working there… https://t.co/8IebIUBokx
93.
"The debate will be respectful"
94.
Sometimes living in Australia feels like getting cropped out of a photo.
95.
Roses are red, The real shady is slim,
96.
australian pokedex 1-29
97.
yeah yeah yeah the weed, refined sugar, gravy ... these are all pretty thrilling vices but have you ever tried argu… https://t.co/db9jX7aMr5
98.
me trying to find my friends when I roll up to stonewall alone
99.
just watched abc breakfast news. i don't get it. where's the cash cow. why no human egg. where is the boy w/ cash prizes. this is not news
100.
Honesty in second hand book labelling