The 10 GOP Debaters Ranked By How Much They Need A Drink

Hard-lined. Hard liquor.

10. Mike Huckabee

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Huckabee would take a bourbon neat, but he doesn't need one. He's fresh, ready, and raring to go. Just look at that youthful glow.

9. Donald Trump

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Trump likes his gin Scottish and his water tonic, but he's already pre-gamed pretty hard for this debate. Any new drink is really just icing on the cake.

8. Ben Carson

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Ben Carson is a neurosurgeon, so he knows what alcohol can do to dull an otherwise sharp mind. That being said, he would like a Beck's Premier Light right now.

7. Rand Paul

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I'm not sure if Rand drinks, but if he does this would be a great time to grab a whiskey ginger and slap himself in front of the mirror while screaming mantras.

6. Scott Walker

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Governor Walker's aides have a cooler of Smirnoff Ices ready to go just in case this face makes an appearance.

5. Marco Rubio

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Senator Rubio may look like a bag of energy, but a closer look at the dead weight of his eyes suggests a powerful need for three to six glasses of Chardonnay.

4. Jeb Bush

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Governor Bush is focused on the task at hand. That task? Finding the cheapest and stronger margarita within a twenty-mile radius.

3. John Kasich

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I don't know who this is, but if he's as confused as I am than he definitely needs a few Jägerbombs.

2. Chris Christie

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Governor Christie really needs something to drink, but only because his throat is parched from a constant torrent of screaming.

1. Ted Cruz

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Ted needs a drink more than anyone has ever needed a drink ever.