Buzz·Posted on 6 Dec 2017100 Scottish Tweets That Made Everyone Piss Themselves In 2017"Canny believe I woke up this morning gutted man."by by Jamie JonesBuzzFeed Staff, by Hilary MitchellBuzzFeed StaffFacebookPinterestTwitterMailLink 1. Rian 🇬🇧 @RianThomson1 Boy behind the bar said to jason "£4 a pint £8 a pitcher" jason goes "were no wanting a photo just a pint please" 😂😂😂😂😂 05:01 PM - 01 Oct 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 2. grant rudder @grantrudder When your maw sends you to Asda with yer da 12:03 PM - 10 Feb 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 3. Tweedie @jacktweedie1 "Drunk mind speaks sober thoughts" a went aboot an entire night tellin cunts a was an apprentice dentist 04:46 PM - 29 Apr 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 4. Harley Campbell @_HarleyCampbell 12.99 tae look like a bit a ravioli 09:51 PM - 05 Jun 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 5. Alexander McNeil @McneilAlexander Mad how yie get 6 points and a £200fine for being on yer phone yet there's folk oot there way eyelashes on there motor n getting away wae it 05:47 PM - 03 Mar 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 6. Mark McLelland @Mark_McLelland When u wake up thinking it's Monday morning and text your gaffer wanting a day aff 😂 11:36 AM - 05 Feb 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 7. dylan @_dylanjohnstone Just oot the post office n they asked ma auntie if she had any other ID wae her n she went "av got this keyring that says Karen on it" :))) 03:37 PM - 17 May 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 8. ALinA @alinachugai98 Hurricane Brian hahahaha that sounds like the nicest hurricane ever feel like he’d clean your garden cut your grass the lot 10:01 PM - 17 Oct 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 9. Coop. @JamCooper88 Dug waving bye to is leavin the pub 👋🏻😂 09:14 PM - 10 May 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 10. Viktoria Krol @viktoria_krolx chewing gum geen me better advice than half ma pals 07:59 PM - 31 Mar 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 11. 🎅🏻 Prior🎅🏻 @Poshboy97 Can't be dealing wi waiters that ask how yer meal is as yer scoffing ur gob full of food, it's in yer name fuckin waiter minute 06:46 PM - 10 Apr 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 12. josh fox @xofjosh put an elastic band round ma head in work n sumdy said a look like cara delevinge n tbh a see it 02:21 PM - 20 May 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 13. Rohan Mckinney @rohanmckinney72 No way did a drunk lassie on the train just tell me she doesn't want wains cos she loves dogs n went "Nae wains great dains" 08:10 PM - 09 Mar 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 14. s t e f @steffan888 Just fell through the roof trying to get the cat canny believe it she's still up there tae 05:56 PM - 23 May 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 15. Jamie @jamiecostello98 Theresa May looks like the kinda woman when u where younger and your ball went inty her garden she'd get her husband to go oot and burst it 06:55 PM - 19 Apr 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 16. Hayley Hunt @hayleyhunt_ 2 funny brushing ur teeth next to some1 :))) who’s gonny stop brushing first? Who cares more abt brushing teeth? Da… https://t.co/kNI2a3OF3D 10:37 PM - 19 Nov 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 17. Hannah Murphy @HannahMurphy251 Pets are so weird like it's just this little individual that lives in your gaff and you can't speak to each other but you're just best mates 06:37 PM - 27 May 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 18. Joseph @Lavlyjably If am hungover or sad ma dug will stand nexty ma bed n stare into ma soul sending me telepathic messages of his lov… https://t.co/O9Igze3xFh 02:01 PM - 07 Feb 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 19. Kyle @kylechristie0 Bonnar just got pulled by the police n they asked if he had anythin on him that he shouldn't have n he said "aye ma maws socks"😂😂😂 02:31 PM - 10 Mar 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 20. Rab 🦀 @RabTheKrab There's folk ma age having weans and av just had a tub ae Pringles for ma dinner. 04:01 PM - 14 May 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 21. Goudie @Goudie15 Hate when a cunt yer no expectin says awrite an ye hit back wae a pure high pitch HIYA then think about it for the rest ae yer pathetic life 08:43 PM - 24 Jan 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 22. Twitter: @_kaitlynmcgrory 23. jake knowles @knowlsie18 Imagine being a fuckin vegan, walking hame after a night oot steaming like "fuck me i could go a cabbage supper" 02:59 PM - 27 Jan 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 24. Connor @ronnoclligam Reminder that JK Rowling a grown woman multi millionaire blocked me for calling her made up character in a book about wizards a specky cunt 12:16 PM - 12 Jun 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 25. Gaul Plancy @paul_glancy Went inty the shop for sweeties after work n the burd said 'you look how a feel pal' you better feel fantastic then ya cheeky boot 07:02 PM - 06 Feb 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 26. Nick @WheresMaJaiket Fred flintstone been driving about killie 10:39 AM - 12 Jan 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 27. Mark @_mk1872 If ma grandweans take pictures a me dyin on ma hospital bed to post on social media fur attention a will haunt them till they die 12:29 AM - 24 Mar 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 28. Daina Sims @dainasimsx_ Kinda people you need in ur life 09:06 AM - 09 Apr 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 29. dylan @_dylanjohnstone Why do cunts go "mail me" when sumcunt asks about their new job?? Nb Sandra you're part time in Home Bargains no undercover wae the MI5 04:46 PM - 03 May 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 30. nathan henderson @nathann_h Lassie in Gibraltar took my photo while a was off guard, stuck it to a plate and made me buy it fur €6 03:54 PM - 05 Apr 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 31. Josh @josh_smithh1 Hahahaha brutal man 08:22 PM - 28 Mar 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 32. Lum Wulson @Liamwilson999 I'm 18 on Friday n my gran just said to me "first line is on me" she was meaning for the bookies thought she wanted to get onit 02:26 PM - 17 May 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 33. Lee Pyper @LeePyper1 Aye awrite showaff 12:41 PM - 16 Feb 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 34. Kyle McGrath @kylemcgrath94 Chance ye got man 04:25 PM - 09 Apr 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 35. Dan @psychedelime seriously ???? do @OfficialPLT think am fucking slenderman 01:38 PM - 24 Nov 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 36. stephenn @stephenadam112 Dominos asked robbie how many slices he wanted his pizza cut into 4 or 6 n he said 4 cause he couldn't eat 6 11:55 PM - 14 Jan 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 37. JM @_jmdy My flatmate ladies and gents... 01:05 AM - 14 Nov 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 38. Steven @_StevenMccallum Sisters got asthma and we got her they candles that dinny blow oot for her bday cake and aboot killed the cunt trying to blow them oot 07:01 PM - 02 Jun 2016 Reply Retweet Favorite 39. Twitter: @Butsay_ 40. Butsay @Butsay_ asked for a vodka n coke last night in menorca n look at the fuckin state ae that, that's a pint glass, that's atte… https://t.co/JHg5QzwrfZ 11:58 AM - 30 Apr 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 41. Goudie @Goudie15 Hate they cunts that always try an better ye, u say uv booked Florida an suddenly Janice is goin on a 2week all inclusive tae fuckin Jupiter 05:11 PM - 01 May 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 42. Sarah Manavis @sarahmanavis I’ve just witnessed a hoard people berate a bus driver into letting a guy bring his 7ft tree on the bus by shouting… https://t.co/8VjlMk6MOk 06:32 PM - 04 Dec 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 43. Darren Jackson @xJackooo_new Tried a new approach oan the auld tinder 07:40 PM - 07 Nov 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 44. Kaneo @Kaneo_67 Maw keeps buying dark chocolate biscuits knowin fine well am allergic tae it hinkin it’ll stop me tanning them 😂 hi… https://t.co/lLAZJwA3Ec 06:10 PM - 13 Nov 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 45. Gaul Plancy @paul_glancy Wanting a 2L Capri-sun that a can hang above ma bed n just slurp fuck oot it lit a big 6 foot hamster 09:49 PM - 27 Feb 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 46. cazzz @carlarennieX does anyone else's mum always play 120 questions the mornin after you've been out? Who ws there? was it good ?did u… https://t.co/cui8OT59Rn 12:43 PM - 19 Nov 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 47. Aidn @_AM63__ Smith took acid last night and two burds were talking Gaelic and no cunt telt smith n he just thought he couldn’t u… https://t.co/XTFyRICpvT 02:56 PM - 26 Nov 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 48. Brodley @aaron_brodley7 aye perfect gran cheers👌🏽 05:27 PM - 29 Nov 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 49. Hayleigh Quinn @hayleighquinn FKN HOWLING oot wi ma maw n she's brought her umbrella which is actually a hip flask in disguise 07:16 PM - 17 Feb 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 50. cal🦖 @carcus_10 music in school was pure class like the teacher would only be bothered with the ones who could play an instrument w… https://t.co/BF8CRY90fQ 08:26 PM - 25 Nov 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 51. rab @rabsmith_ when you're sittin in the front seat of a taxi and your pals are in the back hitting oot wae the absolute worst pat… https://t.co/OPsAWV9KIQ 01:51 AM - 29 Nov 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 52. Darren O'Dwyer @darrenodwyer3 Seen my dad chopping up Onions and I started greeting. Onions was a great wee dug. 07:13 PM - 02 Dec 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 53. lewis @lewiskerr Just went tae write a tweet aboot how tired a wis and now av realised av been blessed wi 280 characters n now a fee… https://t.co/XTrHLFXfrb 10:40 PM - 07 Nov 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 54. Sarah @_xSarahKelly im going to do my dissertation on the fact I’ve worked in a pub for 2 months and not once has a man used a straw. O… https://t.co/9qSzCouOlC 01:56 PM - 04 Dec 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 55. Goudie @Goudie15 Who would ye rather have as Prime Minister? 06:31 PM - 02 Jun 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 56. Liam Wilson @liamwilsonnn 3 year I ago I got done by a red light camera, 3 points, £100 fine. Came home told my dad and honestly got about a… https://t.co/PBRHXrgoGh 11:03 PM - 29 Nov 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 57. Gavin Law @Gav_Law Some dick on the back roads launched a tangerine out his car and pure splattered on my windscreen. Fit you think this is, mario kart?? 01:55 PM - 03 Jan 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 58. Ronnie @ronnie_mackay Saying the pools freezin oan holiday n theres always sumcunt awready in the pool that says “its awryt once you’re in” 08:18 PM - 23 Nov 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 59. Twitter: @evepaterson__ 60. jordan trotter @jordan_trotter Its mad the kind of plans you make with people when your out on a weekend. Aye lad, ill come snorkeling with ye and your uncle kev the morra 10:46 PM - 03 Jul 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 61. CarlyMcNeil℘ @caarlymcneil Saturday nights in Glasgow producing yet again😂👏🏻 12:57 PM - 19 Nov 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 62. Ian Gunster @iangunster Dream aboot winning the lottery at least 10 times a day... pretty optimistic as a dinny even buy lottery tickets 10:08 AM - 28 Sep 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 63. Beth Hickman @beth_hickmanx Does anyone else find it REALLY FUCKIN RUDE when you give someone a lift and they comment on your driving? Go buy s… https://t.co/T6MxIfRLMu 06:30 PM - 12 Nov 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 64. Flanny™ @LiamFlannigan1 Bird at work was born on a leap year and said she’s actually only 8 so I called her husband a peedo and she’s put a complaint in 12:25 PM - 10 Nov 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 65. louise @gingaasnaps Canny believe a year ago ma da had a pure bad crash n then the next day he went back to see if his crate was alright 11:07 PM - 12 Nov 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 66. liv 🧡 @_0liviasmith A girl was buying herself perfume n her bf went “do u really need that” n she replied “do a really need u” 😂😂😂 u go hen 04:20 PM - 26 Oct 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 67. Dale Smart @DaleSmart92 If anycunts having a bad sunday heres a picture eh ma dug riding a bike 05:22 PM - 12 Nov 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 68. Twitter: @amcaulay_ 69. Liam McDonald @LiamMcDonaldCfc shiting myself to open this 10:05 AM - 03 Nov 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 70. liam @__liam67 Canny believe I woke up this morning gutted man 10:25 AM - 08 Oct 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 71. Rolly Polly Cha @_Charliemcf In eh toilets in Elrow n a copper walks in tellin us aw to shut up n cunt turnt roon n said "your taking your costume to seriously"😂😂😂 06:51 PM - 28 Oct 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 72. Rio @Riosmithh Every morning my Gran or Grandad stand outside and wave to me when am on the bus to work😭💔 07:04 AM - 19 Oct 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 73. Ryan @Ryan_McCran wis in a taxi going to work n the cunt asked "so wit is it ye do?" a replied "work in a bank mate you?" Just let me oot here mate al walk it 10:38 PM - 06 Apr 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 74. Twitter: @Andrewjmenzi 75. Connor Mcarthur @ConnorMcarthur4 Ever get a sare pain round aboot your heart and think that’s it fucked game over 06:21 PM - 18 Oct 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 76. eve 🍉 @Evemallonxx that’s the last time a work out with tan on btw ahahah 11:45 PM - 01 Oct 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 77. TM @TeiganMair Dreadin the day someone gets down on one knee and asks me to marry them cos a have a hefty double chin when a look down 08:36 PM - 17 Feb 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 78. duln @dylan_bell3 cushion on the right slightly discoloured 05:14 PM - 25 Sep 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 79. Marc Simpson @marcsimpson97 wis walkin home n someone threw a block of cheese oot their windee n it hit me on the head, i turned n shouted that wisna very mature wis it 02:47 PM - 28 Sep 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 80. Emma Forrest @emmaahelyerr Seen a boy in Asda with a bunch of flowers and a woman said "aw whos the lucky girl" and he legit turned roond and was like "ma grans deed" 08:37 PM - 13 Sep 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 81. Alistair Coleman @alistaircoleman That's not what it says on your T-shirt, mate 12:35 PM - 23 Nov 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 82. Twitter: @SuperStevoe 83. Matty Crow @Crowy96 Packing for uni and my mum tries to throw out my Christmas jumper as "you hardly ever wear it". Aye, cause it's hardly ever Christmas mate 06:46 PM - 14 Sep 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 84. Liam Forrest @itsyaboi95 Hate when u ask someone where something is and they go 'try opening yer eyes' try dodging this jab ya melon 03:27 PM - 08 May 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 85. gem @gemmacaarberry one of my pals got called to jury duty and had to be excused because she'd shagged the person on trial 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂 10:58 AM - 04 Jul 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 86. ninaa @ninagilbert7 honestly last night someone asked me if crabs think we walk sideways n a havent stopped thinkin about it since 05:22 PM - 16 Jul 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 87. Lewis @lewisTVAOF Ma sisters just told me her pal canny get Indians delivered cause she lives on Curry Street n they think it's a prank call 07:45 PM - 16 Feb 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 88. simmy @CameronSim78 Wenty the doctors way hearing problems n he goes can ye describe the symptoms n a says aye homers fat n marge has blue hair 09:18 PM - 01 Jan 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 89. SUPERNOVA @NoamDar I hated trick or treatin houses tht wid make u tell jokes for the sweets just put the mini snickers in the bag hen this isne open mic night 09:05 PM - 31 Oct 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 90. Twitter: @Aidan_M_Barlow 91. Lauryn @LaurynDow Does anyone else only get out eh bed in multiples of 0 or 5, like it gets to 07:21 n am like nah av missed it al get up at 07:25 or am a mad 06:22 AM - 22 Sep 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 92. Maertin @martinosmartino - Wubu2? - no much mate just been 12:20 PM - 23 Oct 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 93. emily nicole @emilyjohnston13 So RIDICULOUS people going about wearing fake glasses, like you wouldny kick about wearing a hearing aid when u don't need one?? 02:59 PM - 08 Mar 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 94. S H A U N I @shalaylaa I’ve had “before” photos for my weight change on my phone for so long that I’ve had to take more up to date yins cause I’ve put on weight 08:49 PM - 25 Oct 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 95. Matty @mattyrobsonn no way man 😂😂😂 07:13 PM - 31 Oct 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 96. Carabine @RyanCarabine_ mental tae hink that you nd a pal ae urs won't be able to go to each others funeral, blew ma mind 08:54 PM - 09 May 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 97. Caitlin @CaitsEwing_ Wee bro just suggested they make Chinese menus like Avon books so u rub ur wrist on a page n smell wit u wanty eat. Tht wean is the future x 07:14 PM - 24 Jun 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 98. Courtney Ferrie @FerrieCourtneyy When ur a goth but the suns oot x 08:17 PM - 15 Aug 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 99. joe @idealising why do ppl that hate christmas have to tell u they hate it every 5 minutes? fuck off u jingle bellend ur getting me down 12:00 PM - 04 Dec 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 100. Amy @mynamesamy_ Last year v this year.. glad we’ve matured 07:46 PM - 27 Oct 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite Enjoyed this? Check out 54 Of The Funniest Scottish Tweets Of 2016. For more "Best Of 2017" posts, click here!