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100 Scottish Tweets That Made Everyone Piss Themselves In 2017

"Canny believe I woke up this morning gutted man."

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1.

Boy behind the bar said to jason "£4 a pint £8 a pitcher" jason goes "were no wanting a photo just a pint please" 😂😂😂😂😂

2.

When your maw sends you to Asda with yer da

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3.

"Drunk mind speaks sober thoughts" a went aboot an entire night tellin cunts a was an apprentice dentist

4.

5.

Mad how yie get 6 points and a £200fine for being on yer phone yet there's folk oot there way eyelashes on there motor n getting away wae it

6.

When u wake up thinking it's Monday morning and text your gaffer wanting a day aff 😂

7.

Just oot the post office n they asked ma auntie if she had any other ID wae her n she went "av got this keyring that says Karen on it" :)))

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8.

Hurricane Brian hahahaha that sounds like the nicest hurricane ever feel like he’d clean your garden cut your grass the lot

9.

Dug waving bye to is leavin the pub 👋🏻😂

10.

chewing gum geen me better advice than half ma pals

11.

Can't be dealing wi waiters that ask how yer meal is as yer scoffing ur gob full of food, it's in yer name fuckin waiter minute

12.

put an elastic band round ma head in work n sumdy said a look like cara delevinge n tbh a see it

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13.

No way did a drunk lassie on the train just tell me she doesn't want wains cos she loves dogs n went "Nae wains great dains"

14.

Just fell through the roof trying to get the cat canny believe it she's still up there tae

15.

Theresa May looks like the kinda woman when u where younger and your ball went inty her garden she'd get her husband to go oot and burst it

16.

2 funny brushing ur teeth next to some1 :))) who’s gonny stop brushing first? Who cares more abt brushing teeth? Da… https://t.co/kNI2a3OF3D

17.

Pets are so weird like it's just this little individual that lives in your gaff and you can't speak to each other but you're just best mates

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18.

If am hungover or sad ma dug will stand nexty ma bed n stare into ma soul sending me telepathic messages of his lov… https://t.co/O9Igze3xFh

19.

Bonnar just got pulled by the police n they asked if he had anythin on him that he shouldn't have n he said "aye ma maws socks"😂😂😂

20.

There's folk ma age having weans and av just had a tub ae Pringles for ma dinner.

21.

Hate when a cunt yer no expectin says awrite an ye hit back wae a pure high pitch HIYA then think about it for the rest ae yer pathetic life

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23.

Imagine being a fuckin vegan, walking hame after a night oot steaming like "fuck me i could go a cabbage supper"

24.

Reminder that JK Rowling a grown woman multi millionaire blocked me for calling her made up character in a book about wizards a specky cunt

25.

Went inty the shop for sweeties after work n the burd said 'you look how a feel pal' you better feel fantastic then ya cheeky boot

26.

Fred flintstone been driving about killie

27.

If ma grandweans take pictures a me dyin on ma hospital bed to post on social media fur attention a will haunt them till they die

28.

29.

Why do cunts go "mail me" when sumcunt asks about their new job?? Nb Sandra you're part time in Home Bargains no undercover wae the MI5

30.

Lassie in Gibraltar took my photo while a was off guard, stuck it to a plate and made me buy it fur €6

31.

32.

I'm 18 on Friday n my gran just said to me "first line is on me" she was meaning for the bookies thought she wanted to get onit

33.

34.

35.

seriously ???? do @OfficialPLT think am fucking slenderman

36.

Dominos asked robbie how many slices he wanted his pizza cut into 4 or 6 n he said 4 cause he couldn't eat 6

37.

My flatmate ladies and gents...

38.

Sisters got asthma and we got her they candles that dinny blow oot for her bday cake and aboot killed the cunt trying to blow them oot

40.

asked for a vodka n coke last night in menorca n look at the fuckin state ae that, that's a pint glass, that's atte… https://t.co/JHg5QzwrfZ

41.

Hate they cunts that always try an better ye, u say uv booked Florida an suddenly Janice is goin on a 2week all inclusive tae fuckin Jupiter

42.

I’ve just witnessed a hoard people berate a bus driver into letting a guy bring his 7ft tree on the bus by shouting… https://t.co/8VjlMk6MOk

43.

Tried a new approach oan the auld tinder

44.

Maw keeps buying dark chocolate biscuits knowin fine well am allergic tae it hinkin it’ll stop me tanning them 😂 hi… https://t.co/lLAZJwA3Ec

45.

Wanting a 2L Capri-sun that a can hang above ma bed n just slurp fuck oot it lit a big 6 foot hamster

46.

does anyone else's mum always play 120 questions the mornin after you've been out? Who ws there? was it good ?did u… https://t.co/cui8OT59Rn

47.

Smith took acid last night and two burds were talking Gaelic and no cunt telt smith n he just thought he couldn’t u… https://t.co/XTFyRICpvT

48.

49.

FKN HOWLING oot wi ma maw n she's brought her umbrella which is actually a hip flask in disguise

50.

music in school was pure class like the teacher would only be bothered with the ones who could play an instrument w… https://t.co/BF8CRY90fQ

51.

when you're sittin in the front seat of a taxi and your pals are in the back hitting oot wae the absolute worst pat… https://t.co/OPsAWV9KIQ

52.

Seen my dad chopping up Onions and I started greeting. Onions was a great wee dug.

53.

Just went tae write a tweet aboot how tired a wis and now av realised av been blessed wi 280 characters n now a fee… https://t.co/XTrHLFXfrb

54.

im going to do my dissertation on the fact I’ve worked in a pub for 2 months and not once has a man used a straw. O… https://t.co/9qSzCouOlC

55.

Who would ye rather have as Prime Minister?

56.

3 year I ago I got done by a red light camera, 3 points, £100 fine. Came home told my dad and honestly got about a… https://t.co/PBRHXrgoGh

57.

Some dick on the back roads launched a tangerine out his car and pure splattered on my windscreen. Fit you think this is, mario kart??

58.

Saying the pools freezin oan holiday n theres always sumcunt awready in the pool that says “its awryt once you’re in”

60.

Its mad the kind of plans you make with people when your out on a weekend. Aye lad, ill come snorkeling with ye and your uncle kev the morra

61.

Saturday nights in Glasgow producing yet again😂👏🏻

62.

Dream aboot winning the lottery at least 10 times a day... pretty optimistic as a dinny even buy lottery tickets

63.

Does anyone else find it REALLY FUCKIN RUDE when you give someone a lift and they comment on your driving? Go buy s… https://t.co/T6MxIfRLMu

64.

Bird at work was born on a leap year and said she’s actually only 8 so I called her husband a peedo and she’s put a complaint in

65.

Canny believe a year ago ma da had a pure bad crash n then the next day he went back to see if his crate was alright

66.

A girl was buying herself perfume n her bf went “do u really need that” n she replied “do a really need u” 😂😂😂 u go hen

67.

If anycunts having a bad sunday heres a picture eh ma dug riding a bike

69.

70.

Canny believe I woke up this morning gutted man

71.

In eh toilets in Elrow n a copper walks in tellin us aw to shut up n cunt turnt roon n said "your taking your costume to seriously"😂😂😂

72.

Every morning my Gran or Grandad stand outside and wave to me when am on the bus to work😭💔

73.

wis in a taxi going to work n the cunt asked "so wit is it ye do?" a replied "work in a bank mate you?" Just let me oot here mate al walk it

75.

Ever get a sare pain round aboot your heart and think that’s it fucked game over

76.

that’s the last time a work out with tan on btw ahahah

77.

Dreadin the day someone gets down on one knee and asks me to marry them cos a have a hefty double chin when a look down

78.

cushion on the right slightly discoloured

79.

wis walkin home n someone threw a block of cheese oot their windee n it hit me on the head, i turned n shouted that wisna very mature wis it

80.

Seen a boy in Asda with a bunch of flowers and a woman said "aw whos the lucky girl" and he legit turned roond and was like "ma grans deed"

81.

That's not what it says on your T-shirt, mate

83.

Packing for uni and my mum tries to throw out my Christmas jumper as "you hardly ever wear it". Aye, cause it's hardly ever Christmas mate

84.

Hate when u ask someone where something is and they go 'try opening yer eyes' try dodging this jab ya melon

85.

one of my pals got called to jury duty and had to be excused because she'd shagged the person on trial 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

86.

honestly last night someone asked me if crabs think we walk sideways n a havent stopped thinkin about it since

87.

Ma sisters just told me her pal canny get Indians delivered cause she lives on Curry Street n they think it's a prank call

88.

Wenty the doctors way hearing problems n he goes can ye describe the symptoms n a says aye homers fat n marge has blue hair

89.

I hated trick or treatin houses tht wid make u tell jokes for the sweets just put the mini snickers in the bag hen this isne open mic night

91.

Does anyone else only get out eh bed in multiples of 0 or 5, like it gets to 07:21 n am like nah av missed it al get up at 07:25 or am a mad

92.

93.

So RIDICULOUS people going about wearing fake glasses, like you wouldny kick about wearing a hearing aid when u don't need one??

94.

I’ve had “before” photos for my weight change on my phone for so long that I’ve had to take more up to date yins cause I’ve put on weight

95.

96.

mental tae hink that you nd a pal ae urs won't be able to go to each others funeral, blew ma mind

97.

Wee bro just suggested they make Chinese menus like Avon books so u rub ur wrist on a page n smell wit u wanty eat. Tht wean is the future x

98.

99.

why do ppl that hate christmas have to tell u they hate it every 5 minutes? fuck off u jingle bellend ur getting me down

100.

Last year v this year.. glad we’ve matured

For more "Best Of 2017" posts, click here!

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