Can You Choose The Right Glass Of Wine?
All wine is great. All wine is wonderful. There is no such thing as "wrong wine". Bow down to the wine. The wine is your God now.
There's a reason Jesus turned water into wine and not, say, Mountain Dew. It's because wine is godly. The Messiah understood that, and so do you. You have the blood of Jesus coursing through your veins, although that's mostly down to how much wine you had at lunch.
This glass of wine is so good that you'd happily fall in love with it, despite the class difference and the fact your rich family want you to marry a more suitable partner of their choosing. Your romance would blossom over the course of a fortnight, until the ship you were traveling on struck an iceberg – I forgot to mention, you're on a ship – causing the death of 1,503 people. Romance.
You love your wine, and your wine loves you back. Remember that night you passed out drunk and awoke to find yourself tucked into bed with a glass of water on your nightstand? That was the wine who did that. Good old wine, always looking out for you.
Serenade the wine. Write it a love ballad. To start you off, here's some words that rhyme with wine: Line, mine, fine… I could go on, but that would make it too easy for you.
Rihanna once sang the lyrics "So go on and let the rain pour, I'll be all you need and more." Was rain an analogy for wine? Was she declaring her devotion to a nice, crisp glass of Chardonnay? No, obviously not.
Look at that glass of wine, with its shapely figure and pose that says "come-to-bed and settle down with a good book." This wine knows the affect it has on a wine fan like yourself, and it's playing you like a fool in love.
Congratulations. As a reward, here's a short list of celebrities who own wineries and vineyards: Drew Barrymore, Sting, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie, Madonna, and Graham Norton.
If wine could talk, what would you ask it? Would you ask it if it remembers its days on the grapevine? Would you maybe just make awkward small talk about the weather with the now sentient drink? No, you'd just drink the talking wine, because you understand that a talking alcoholic beverage is an abomination and a slap in the face of God.