It's hard to believe, but The Apprentice is almost a decade old.
To commemorate the tenth series of this annual idiot parade, here's our countdown of the worst schmoozers, bullshitters and arse-lickers of all time. Sorry in advance.
10. Ben Clarke (S5).
Stockbroker Ben never stopped banging on about the fact he'd been offered a scholarship to Sandhurst. Lord Sugar eventually dispatched him with the classic line "stop going on about bloody Sandhurst. I was in the Jewish Lad's Brigade, Stamford Hill Division, trainee bugler, but that didn't help me sell computers when I got older."
9. Syed Ahmed (S2).
In his audition, 'business bad boy' Syed said: "a £100,000 salary is not enough but it's a good place to start." He's presumably still waiting for the phone to ring after bungling a catering task by blowing the meat budget. He was making 100 tikka pizzas and seemed to think each one needed to be topped with a whole chicken.
8. Susan Ma (S7).
Some of 21 year old Susan Ma's dizzier moments could be blamed on her youth, but as Karren Brady so aptly put it: "You do NOT have to have been to France to answer the question 'do the French like their children?' that really is beyond stupid."
Très vrai, Karren. Très vrai.
Advertisement
7. Philip "Pants Man" Taylor (S5).
For some reason, cocky estate agent Philip had trouble getting Lord Sugar to take him seriously after inventing - and singing the jingle for - a children's cereal character called Pants Man who was incapable of getting dressed in the morning. He was fired two weeks later for arrogance, cockiness and crimes against music.
6. Paul Tulip (S2).
Polyester Paul got quite far in the competition, but came unstuck when Lord Sugar's aide noticed he'd made a jibe about Big Issue sellers on his application form. Apparently they should try harder to highlight the magazine's 'features and benefits' to boost sales. A tulip by any other name would smell much sweeter.
5. Michael Sophocles (S4).
25 year old ruiner of Edinburgh University's reputation Michael Sophocles made a particular twunt of himself in week seven when - despite posing as a 'nice Jewish boy' in his application - he failed to successfully buy a kosher chicken, eventually admitting he didn't know what kosher meant. Putz.
4. Adele Lock (S1).
Series one was notable for its comparative lack of bona fide putzes, which is probably why Adele stood out. The blank eyed salon owner endeared herself to precisely no one when she made fellow contestant Miranda her PA on a buying task and forced her to spend the day making notes. Adele eventually quit in week four.
Advertisement
3. Jenny Celerier (S4)
Jenny Celerier wasn't dim, but she was a bit of a bully. She made quirky, purple-bereted contestant Lucinda's life hell during her time on the show, constantly putting her down and telling her to be quiet. Luckily for Lucinda, Jenny was fired in week seven for her part in 'kosher-chickengate'.
2. Katie Hopkins (S3).
It's easy to forget that Katie Hopkins started out as an Apprentice candidate, but whenever you see her spouting controversial bum-mince on the This Morning sofa it all comes flooding back. She was as delightful in the boardroom as she is today, on one memorable occasion accusing a rival contestant of alcoholism to make a point.
1. Stuart Baggs "The Brand" (S6).
Everyone knows that Apprentice candidates are bullshit-spewing nonsense merchants, but Baggs The Brand outspewed the lot of them with lines that included "everything I touch turns to sold" and - of course - "excuse me sir, you look like a sausage connoisseur." In a recent interview he admitted he's now unemployable.
