Photo illustration by Matt Tucker, alexis84/Zlatko Kostic/Thinkstock
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1. The World Cup’s on! Scotland didn’t qualify (again). Who do you support?
Mark Runnacles / Getty
Whoever’s playing against England. COME ON, NORTH KOREA!The Bahamas.In public? Whoever’s playing against England. Secretly? England.Any team that’s geographically close to Scotland, like England, Germany or France.England, of course: Land of Hope and Glory! -
2. Time for breakfast. What do you fancy?
Shutterstock
A pint of Tennents and a fight.An imported Tunnocks Teacake, some porridge and a week old copy of the Daily Record.Haggis. No, tea and toast. No, haggis! No, toast. No, haggis. Definitely haggis.A frappuccino served in a tartan mug.A full English breakfast. -
3. It’s Saturday night. Time for fun! What do you want to do?
Chris Jackson / Getty
Leave infuriated comments about the trams on the Edinburgh Evening News website while drinking a mojito.Plan a Tennents-fuelled lads night out on the town. Pre load on Pinot Grigio because you don’t actually like Tennents.Fire up your "Monarch of the Glen" VHS tape for the hundredth time.Rewatch the 2012 Olympics opening ceremony while drinking a pint of London Pride.Go to a ceilidh, because there’s nothing more fun than standing in a line in a village hall while someone barks a series of incomprehensible instructions at you. -
4. You’re late for an important meeting, but as you dash past your favourite statue of The Duke of Wellington you notice that it doesn’t have a traffic cone on its head. What do you do?
Jeff J Mitchell / Getty
Drop everything: you have to find a cone RIGHT NOW.Ring your friend Limmy and ask him to put a cone on the statue’s head.Shrug and tap your watch to indicate to passers by that you’d love to put a cone on the statue’s head, but you’re running a bit late.Take a photo of the coneless statue anyway - it’s in Scotland!Pass a law banning people from putting traffic cones on the heads of military statues. -
5. It’s a roasty toasty 13°C outside! Summer’s here! What do you do?
Dan Kitwood / Getty
Take your top off.Take your top off, but apply sunscreen. You can never be too careful.Put a jumper on.Dig out your finest plastic rain poncho with ‘Property of Edinburgh Castle’ on it.Leave a comment on the Daily Mail website complaining about the weather. -
6. You’re going on a camping holiday. What do you pack?
Matt Cardy / Getty
Six bottles of military grade midge repellent, two mosquito nets and a crate of Tennents.One bottle of military grade midge repellent, a tent and some sunglasses.A small bottle of Jungle Formula, a picnic hamper from Jenners and a copy of the Guardian.A marquee sized luxury tent, no midge repellent, a ‘see you jimmy’ hat and flip flops.Nothing: you’re going to Center Parcs. -
7. You’re at a restaurant and the waiter asks you which vegetables you want with your main meal. What do you say?
Putu Sayoga / Getty
Chips with salt n’sauce, a tattie fritter and a bag of crisps.Neeps, tatties and rumbledethumps.Locally sourced potato, Scottish carrots and organic turnips.Nachos.English peas, English carrots and good, old fashioned English spuds. From England. -
8. Your favourite comedy programme is....?
BBC
Limmy’s Show.Chewin’ The Fat.Rab C. Nesbitt... with subtitles.Cheers.Keeping Up Appearances. -
9. You’re hosting a cocktail party. What drinks do you get in?
Isaac Brekken / Getty
Buckfast, MD 20:20 and Tennents.Glenfiddich, Drambuie and Glayva.Pimms...but you add a shot of whisky and leave out the vegetables.An overpriced gift pack of traditional Scottish Ales with names like Sporran Lifter and Old Jock.London gin. -
10. You’re at a Scotland-England match and Flower of Scotland is being played. What do you do?
Dan Kitwood / Getty
Stand up proudly, wave your flag and roar the bit about sending ‘Proud Edward’s Army home to think again’ at the top of your voice.Make up for forgetting some of the words by shouting the ones you know really loudly: “FLOWER OF SCOTLAND!” “WEE BIT HILL AND GLEN”.Mumble all of the words. Look slightly awkward.Record it on your phone and take lots of photos of the Tartan Army. What a nice day out!Glare at everyone from your seat on the other side of the stadium. -
11. You’ve been asked to make a toast at the start of a meal. What do you say?
Pascal Le Segretain / Getty
Here's tae us! Wha's like us? Damn few, and they're a' deid!Lang mey yer lum reek.Er...haste ye back?How do I get to the castle?God save the Queen!
How Scottish Are You?
You’re witty, occasionally belligerent, addicted to fried food and unfailingly friendly: you’re the most Scottish person ever.
You’re very Scottish (and proud of it), but you moved away a few years ago. You’ll be back as soon as someone invents a cure for midge bites.
You’ve lived in Scotland for years but you’re secretly English. You spend your days in Edinburgh tearooms worrying whether you’ll be deported if Scotland chooses independence.
You’re not Scottish, but you sure as heck love Scotland. You probably own at least one painting of a stag.
You’re not Scottish at all. I bet you don’t even like Irn Bru.
