11. This is your Facebook profile pic.
You also own three hundred other ride photos, including one of you being sick on the Log Flume in 1997.
13. You have a copy of every version of the park map dating back to 1981.
Some of the (rather tame) original attractions included a parrot show, nature trails and a Dolls House Museum. Who needs Rita: Queen of Speed when you could have a lovely, soothing trip on a miniature railway instead?
14. You miss the Swan Boats so much that you bought one on eBay.
Though of course, you never actually went on them because they were far too boring. The Swan Boats were in service from 1987 to 2003. Approximately three people used them during that time.
18. Unlike most people, you actually visit the gardens.
Even though they were designed by famous 18th century landscape architect Capability Brown, the gardens at Alton Towers are usually empty. Ain’t nobody got time for a walk in the park when they’ve spent £48 to go on the rides. Apart from you, of course, because you have an annual pass.
20. You love Nemesis so much you would live on it - and eat all your meals on it- if you could.
You also measure how good a day you had by the number of times you managed to ride Nemesis. “Remember when we went on it 14 times in a row and you were sick into the weird red water?” “Yeah, that was awesome.”
21. By the end of the day, your feet are so sore you finally agree to use the Skyride…
Final note: by ‘largest’, we’re referring to the physical size of the park (800 acres), rather than the number of rides. Blackpool Pleasure Beach has slightly more, but none of them are as good as the Squirrel Nutty Treetop Adventure.
Your move, Pleasure Beach.