1. You say “bloody hell” at least 543 times a day.
Although who can blame you for swearing when you spend 90% of your time listening to your tenants complain about failed job interviews or how much they hate The Phantom Menace… sorry, “jumped up firework display of a toy advert”.
2. You’re extremely charming.
“Marsha’s our landlady and as far as she’s concerned, Daisy and me are a professional couple, but that’s not really important. Anyway, she’s lovely.”
3. You think it’s fine to start drinking at 10.25am…
After all, it isn’t easy to get through a whole episode of This Morning without a bit of a pick me up.
4. …but it rarely ends well.
6. Your parenting style is… unique.
…but who can blame you for getting annoyed when the fruit of your loins keeps “fucking off to Top Shop with the housekeeping”?
7. You know what you want where men are concerned…
…and you aren’t afraid to demand it again and again (and again) until they eventually give in.
8. You think that wine is a food.
It’s got grapes in it, after all. In fact, it’s practically one of your five a day.
10. You try to keep in shape…
…by working out to Cher’s new fitness video: “A Thong For Europe”.
11. …but it doesn’t always go according to plan.
…especially when you decide to go out for a run with someone who’s “allergic to endorphins” and very, VERY competitive.
13. You find it hard to let go of old relationships.
…although relationship possibly isn’t the right word to describe an arrangement where you accept “pleasures of the flesh” from a struggling artist in place of rent.
14. You’re quick to anger.
…particularly when you discover that your “new little group of young friends” have been lying about their relationship for the last two years.