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The EU Reform Deal Explained With Hot Guys

Everyone's trying to make the EU reform deal sound sexy and interesting. But did they include hot, semi-naked men? No, they did not.

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1. The EU has come up with a package of reforms this week renegotiating the UK's place in the union. David Cameron calls it "a good agreement for Britain".

Everybody loves a ~package~.
Joseph Sinclair / Attitude

Everybody loves a ~package~.

2. He defended the draft agreement at Prime Minister's Questions as โ€œgood for jobs, good for investment, good for growthโ€.

"Growth."
Joseph Sinclair / Attitude

"Growth."

3. Now, you might be wondering, "How long is this package?"

LET'S TAKE A CLOSER LOOK, SHALL WE?
Joseph Sinclair / Attitude

LET'S TAKE A CLOSER LOOK, SHALL WE?

4. It's 16 pages long.

And it was written by the president of the European Council, Donald Tusk, FYI. Remember Tusky, we'll meet him again later.
Joseph Sinclair / Attitude

And it was written by the president of the European Council, Donald Tusk, FYI. Remember Tusky, we'll meet him again later.

5. SO, one important aspect of Cameron's draft deal is the proposed "emergency brake" on providing EU migrants with in-work benefits for up to four years.

Which is kind of like a safe word for when your welfare system is under excessive strain. ๐Ÿ˜‰
Abezikus / Getty Images

Which is kind of like a safe word for when your welfare system is under excessive strain. ๐Ÿ˜‰

6. HOWEVER while the current draft allows for an "emergency brake", it could still allow officials in Brussels to put a hold on the hold.

They've got two weeks to thrash it out before a summit later this month. ๐Ÿ˜๐Ÿ˜๐Ÿ˜
Alexovicsattila / Getty Images

They've got two weeks to thrash it out before a summit later this month. ๐Ÿ˜๐Ÿ˜๐Ÿ˜

7. Which means the UK could vote to stay in the EU, thinking it would get to have the "emergency brake" feature, only to have the European Parliament ***TURN OFF THE LIGHTS*** on that feature of the deal anyway.

BBC / floflowelch-rp.tumblr.com

Amirite ladies?!

8. So anyway, Cameron's going on this week about how his draft is a great fuckin' deal for Britain. This bit is widely considered to be his biggest victory from the negotiations:

WE DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS BUT IT'S HOOOOTTTTTT!!!!
Dzejdi / Getty Images / Via BBC

WE DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS BUT IT'S HOOOOTTTTTT!!!!

9. Here's Channing Tatum. He wants you to know that you look beautiful today.

whataholyshit.tumblr.com

And also he wants you to know that while Cameron hoped to completely ban child benefit being paid to dependents abroad, this deal says that benefits can be cut to match the levels of the host country.

Which would actually be a big ball-ache for the Department of Work and Pensions, who would would have to manage 28 different levels of child benefit in 28 different EU member states, not to mention that they'd have to work out where the fuck everyone's children actually are.

10. It's rules like that that make some ministers WANT to complain, but can't because there's a ~gag rule~ in place whereby ministers who oppose Cameron's deal can't say shit about it until after the deal is formalised.

tumblr.com

But some Eurosceptic MPs are still allowed to complain, which is why Boris Johnson was allowed to sexily say he thought there was "much, much more that needs to be done" in the deal.

11. This is just a hot picture of Oscar Isaac!

Andrew H. Walker / Getty Images

12. Look at his eyes!

Andrew H. Walker / Getty Images

13. HIS EYESSSS!

You just know he's thinking about an in-out referendum...
Andrew H. Walker / Getty Images

You just know he's thinking about an in-out referendum...

14. Anyway, back to the benefits issue, which is a flashpoint in the hearts of many Europe-haters. What do EU migrants working in Britain actually get in the way of benefits right now?

Sheikoevgeniya / Getty Images

15. And what would they get under the new deal?

Gpagomenos / Getty Images

16. It actually wouldn't be that they get *absolutely* nothing for four years, but rather they'd start with nothing and their benefits would increase over time. The draft states:

BUT, REMEMBER THE EMERGENCY BRAKE THING!! WE COULD END UP WITH NONE OF THIS MEANING ANYTHING!!
Curtoicurto / Getty Images

BUT, REMEMBER THE EMERGENCY BRAKE THING!! WE COULD END UP WITH NONE OF THIS MEANING ANYTHING!!

17. The potential future changes to these benefits might actually mean that more EU workers come to the UK sooner, before the new rules are implemented.

idk james bond or some shit

Like Daniel Craig emerging sexily from the sea.

18. The draft also distances the UK โ€“ though not as explicitly as Cameron would have liked โ€“ from the EU's stated goal of an "ever closer union", symbolised here by Gigi Hadid and Zayn Malik, who make a great metaphor for increasing federalism:

Oh god, the EU is so boring.
youtube.com

Oh god, the EU is so boring.

19. Also, Cameron wanted the deal to explicitly say the EU is a multi-currency union โ€“ a concession old Tusky wasn't willing to give.

Warner Bros

20. Basically they still have a lot of issues to grind out about the currency thing.

Warner Bros

Lol, grind.

21. Also blah blah Cameron wants to limit EU regulations in order to ensure competitiveness, like in Jessica Jones when they have kinda competitive superhero sex.

Netflic / Via media.giphy.com

Just like that.

22. Jeremy Corbyn called the draft a "smoke-and-mirrors sideshow" at PMQs today, echoing many people's view that there is a choreographed effort (which No. 10 has denied) to distract from the deeper issues of union with Europe.

Channel 4 / Via milk-turning-blue.tumblr.com

He's such a bad boy.

23. Meanwhile in America, Obama โ€œreaffirmed continued US support for a ~strong~ United Kingdom in a ~strong~ European Unionโ€.

BuzzFeed

This is kind of irrelevant, but what a cute wink.

24. And that's the story of the draft EU deal!

It's hot AF.
Joseph Sinclair / Attitude

It's hot AF.