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    If Hogwarts Were A Crap British School

    Things would be a bit less whimsical.

    by ,

    1. Several of the Quidditch hoops would be broken, so the teams would have to switch sides every half hour to make it fair.

    2. The Quidditch stadium, on days without a match, would be a prime fingering zone.

    3. Specifically under the Slytherin bleachers.

    4. On colder days, most of the fingering would happen in the Owlery.

    5. Each year, dozens of students would lose their virginity to the sound of owls softly hooting.

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    6. Hufflepuff house would be constantly losing points for its students being caught with hash.

    7. Hermione would get a bit addicted to mephedrone in fifth year while studying for her OWLs.

    8. Cho Chang would be the lead singer for a very shitty but nevertheless popular synthpop band that would play Wednesday nights at the Hog’s Head.

    9. Luna would play drums.

    10. Lavender Brown would be the first one to get pregnant.

    11. The Forbidden Forest would be blocked off by a rusted chain-link fence with barbed wire at the top.

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    12. Fred and George would spend most of their time figuring out how to conjure cheap vodka.

    13. They’d sell it out of the Room of Requirement.

    14. All of the common rooms would smell slightly of cheap vodka, at all times.

    15. The Great Hall would be a grim cafeteria with mostly broken plastic seats.

    16. The tables would have the words “cunt” and “tits” carved into them magically over the years.

    17. Professor McGonagall would frequently arrive to class five minutes late, put on a VHS documentary about Transfiguration, and sit in the back leafing through catalogues and smelling faintly of booze.

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    18. Everyone would have to wear itchy, dark green uniforms.

    19. The girls would roll up their skirts as far as they could get away without getting told off by the school ghosts.

    20. Lavender Brown would roll hers the highest.

    21. The area around the lake would be so overrun with stinging nettles that nobody could get close to it.

    22. This would make it the most private, but uncomfortable, fingering location.

    23. Instead of beautiful lawns, Hogwarts would be surrounded by cracked asphalt.

    24. Every corridor would have several broken and boarded-up windows.

    25. The classrooms would all have stained, slightly damp grey carpets.

    26. Filch would sell hard drugs to students.

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    27. The Ministry of Magic would give Hogwarts a rating of “inadequate” and threaten its closure.

    28. After this bad report, Dumbledore would be replaced by a slick headteacher from an academy school that focuses on drama and music, and calls the pupils “stakeholders.”

    29. This new headmaster would be quoted telling The Daily Prophet “I want our focus to be more on unlocking the magic of raised standards. Why is Transfiguration seen as inherently more magical than Geography? I want all our stakeholders to aspire to become wizards of attainment.”

    30. It would be school legend that once, in the ‘80s, a student died by being crushed by the moving stairs.

    31. Draco wouldn’t go to Hogwarts. He’d be sent to St Merlin’s School, a beautiful private school on the other side of Hogsmeade.

    32. St Merlin’s boys would run over to the rusty chain-link fence around Hogwarts at lunch times to shout insults at the Hogwarts kids.

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    33. Crabbe and Goyle wouldn't just stand there looking menacing. They'd regularly beat up first years for sport.

    34. They'd also shove Harry’s head into the toilet while shouting “HAIRY CUNTING POTTY” at him.

    35. Harry would fail most of his subjects due to his lack of family support.

    36. Ron would get really into techno, and constantly be playing it in the Gryffindor common room, to the irritation of everyone.

    37. The boys’ toilets would smell like piss.

    38. The boys’ dormitories would smell like feet.

    39. Parts of the school would be freezing cold in winter, and others would be stiflingly hot due to a broken magical radiator.

    40. Hogwarts would be under pressure to sell off the Quidditch pitch and part of the Forbidden Forest so they could build a Tesco.

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    41. Neville would have been bullied out of school by the end of second year. His grandmother would decide to homeschool him instead.

    42. Ginny would have a natural flair for acting. However, since Hogwarts had no drama programme, she would never discover it.

    43. (Hogwarts once had a drama course, but they had to close the theatre due to asbestos.)

    44. Whenever there was an election, random ministers would come visit Hogwarts to have photos taken with poor-looking students.

    45. On one of these visits, Fred and George would magic the word “COCKS” right behind a smiling minister.

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    46. Instead of a proper library, there’d be a few metal shelves of worn-out textbooks from the ‘70s.

    47. Hagrid would provide Harry, Ron, and Hermione with unfiltered cigarettes, and let them smoke them inside his hut.

    48. Hermione would be accepted into a prestigious wizarding university. She would be one of just five students in her year to go on to university.

    49. Once at university, she would dodge questions about where she went to school. “Oh, I just went to a little place you’ve probably never heard of!” she would say. None of her new university friends would ever know the truth.

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