How To Hire More White Men For Your Office

Diversity is an important value in the workplace.

Hello there! So, you run an office, and have suddenly realised that there are NO white men in it! You’re a bit embarrassed – how did your company grow to this size with absolutely no white men?

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Of course, it isn't your fault that you don't have white men – you've always hired bright young things who remind you of yourself, and they've always just happened to not be white men.

Anyway, you’ve decided it's about time you hired a white man for your office. Good for you!

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Have a gold star.

Your first step should be to talk publicly about your commitment to hiring more white men. Bring it up constantly. Bring it up every month in company meetings for at least a year.

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Then, after a good long wait without actually doing anything, hold a meeting with your colleagues about how to *find* white men. Where the hell are they hiding? They just don't APPLY for the jobs. Do they even exist?!

Perhaps your personal networks don’t include many white men. That’s OK! It’s completely normal. Lots of people don’t know any white men.

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They're pretty hard to find, to be fair.

But the good news is, if you can find ONE white man, you can ask HIM if he has any other white male friends who might be appropriate for the role. Ask him if he has, for example, a little white book full of white male names.

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It's well known that most white men have one of these and will be more than willing to share it with you!

Now, we know what you’re thinking – what if I want to hire the *best possible person* for this job, and it’s not a white man?

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Yes, it's annoying to think that by specifically seeking out a white man to hire, you are giving white men a very unfair advantage over other, better candidates. Just because you have no white men in your office doesn't mean you should just chuck one in for the sake of it.

But remember, having a white man will increase the skills and knowledge your office can provide – and that’s good for business!

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It’s a good practice to make sure that when you’re hiring, you should always have at least ONE person come in to interview for the role who’s a white man.

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Of course, you don't actually have to end up hiring that person – they may not fit the company culture, and there's nothing you can do about that.

Whatever you do, don’t let yourself be put off by the way that white men speak. It can be very jarring sometimes, but remember, it’s not their fault! It is their fault, however, if they’re just not a good cultural fit.

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Anyway, if you're lucky, you can find a white man who grew up around mostly non-white people. Perhaps he was the only white man in his school, for example!

Ideally, those are the white men you're looking for, because after a while you'll just forget they're a white man completely! And since you probably don't see colour anyway, it's the perfect situation.

Once you've hired your white man, make sure he appears in a prominent position in all office photographs.

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That way other people will see just how welcoming you are of white men.

But whether or not you ever hire a white man again, your job isn’t QUITE done! You still have this one to look after!

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If you want to make sure your white man doesn't get fed up and leave, it's a good idea to make sure you make some changes to ensure your white man feels safe and appreciated.

For example, play "Mr. Brightside" at all office parties.

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White men love that song.

If you make him feel comfortable, you'll be amazed how well your white man gets along with everyone else.

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Now, after a few weeks, you might start to get a bit frustrated with your white man.

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He might start bringing up the fact he's the only white man in every meeting, and complaining about how, despite your very best efforts, the environment you kindly invited him to work in isn't actually that great.

What you can do if this happens is set up some sort of diversity seminar in which you discuss the kinds of things he’s complained about.

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If no one but the white man turns up, no big deal! Pat yourself on the back for having thought of a diversity seminar.

Congratulations, you’ve now hired one white man for your office, and convinced him to stick around for a little while.

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Well done. You've accomplished so much. Now you can go back to hiring the people you *really* wanted.

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Race really shouldn't matter in hiring decisions, anyway.