27 Red Flags That May Mean You're Dealing With A Toxic Friend

    It's a red flag if you always have to text them first.

    Hannah Dobrogosz
    by Hannah Dobrogosz

    BuzzFeed Staff

    Friendships are some of the most incredible relationships in the world. Friends are your chosen family so it's important to keep those bonds as healthy as possible.

    NBC / Via media.giphy.com

    Sometimes, friendships turn sour. It can be hard to spot the warning signs of an unhealthy friendship, so we asked members of the BuzzFeed Community to tell us the friendship red flags they think people need to watch out for. Here are some of the most eye-opening responses:

    Warning: Post includes mentions of panic and assault.

    1. "When they constantly gossip about your other mutual friends behind their backs. It always made me question what was being said about me when I wasn’t around."

    Ron Swanson saying, "This seems like none of our business"
    NBC

    —fayejerry

    2. "If they ghost you after you made plans just because something 'better' came up. Just ask if I mind rescheduling or let me know if there's something really cool you want to do."

    woman looking down at her phone sadly
    Pollyana Ventura / Getty Images

    —louisebambi1989

    3. "How they respond to your pain is a big indicator. I have friends who sit with me, listen, and hug me, but I’ve also had friends who change the subject back to themselves, tell you how happy they are in comparison, or say, ‘I don’t know what to say to that,' making me regret opening up in the first place. Be aware of who is there for you!"

    Comedy Central

    —somenortherner

    4. "When you get that sinking feeling of dread or anxiety whenever you see their name pop up on your phone, it's time to cut them out."

    Moira Rose checking her phone
    Pop TV

    "I ended a 24-year friendship because I realized how much she was affecting my own mental well-being. I was avoiding answering her calls and meeting up when she was in town because I couldn’t deal with how she made me feel. Looking back, she had zero respect for me and constantly tried to humiliate me. Everything always had to revolve around HER and HER problems — mine were always dismissed. I only let the friendship drag on as long as it did because of the nostalgia of a shared history and the hope that things would change. They never did."

    —lexieb45c54cc52

    5. "Constantly one-upping your achievements. I'll gladly support you and your accomplishments, but give me my one second to shine and feel proud of myself."

    Woman saying, "You had to one-up that"
    MTV

    —ryebanzo

    6. "Not supporting your hobbies. I have friends who always make fun of me because I listen to musicals and enjoy theater, which caused me to almost have a panic attack when I had to perform in a play with them in the audience."

    Leonard Mc Lane / Getty Images

    —keepcalmandthinkbig

    7. "When a friend is always on their phone but never answers your text messages."

    hands holding a cellphone
    Halfpoint Images / Getty Images

    —elkal

    8. "This is more of a group thing but it’s definitely a red flag when a friend group has a hierarchy."

    group of women embracing
    Adam Hester / Getty Images

    "I was once in a friend group like that and it was so toxic. Toward the end, I was near the bottom of the hierarchy and it was so lonely. When I was near the top of the hierarchy, I always felt guilty about it. You don’t necessarily have to like every friend equally but within a friend group, everyone should be equal."

    —alfadrottning

    9. "When you can’t discuss your own troubles with them because theirs are ALWAYS bigger."

    frustrated Lily Aldrin
    CBS

    —stmk1918

    10. "When they don't respect your time."

    Angela Martin asking, "What are you doing?"
    NBC

    "I had a friend who would literally wake me up by knocking on my door and/or calling my phone because they wanted to talk. Of course, sometimes people have emergencies, and in that case, this would have been justified. But, these conversations were NEVER emergencies! I was more than willing to talk to them, but casual chitchat is certainly not for 3:00 a.m. when I have a 6:00 a.m. start the next day."

    —neekachu55

    11. "Jokingly insulting you can be a red flag. For example, saying things such as, 'Oh man, only you could do something like this!' when you mess something up isn't kind. I don't care how great the rest of the friendship is. If your friend is putting you down and making you feel like shit, it's not worth it."

    man saying, "That was embarrassing for you."
    NBC

    —lilahemmons

    12. "This one is maybe hyper-specific but if they 'talk the talk' about an issue they care about, make sure they 'walk the walk' too."

    pegs with arrows showing they are all connected
    Designer491 / Getty Images

    "I had a few close friends who said they'd cut out any sexual predator in their circle no problem but when the predator happened to be their friend, it became a whole different story. I had a close friend make excuses for someone close to her after hearing he assaulted someone. Unfortunately, I didn't think much of it at the time. A few years later, when her boyfriend assaulted me, guess whom she blamed."

    —ravenouslittlehoneybadger

    13. "If they cut you out of their lives once they have a partner, but after they go through a break-up, they act like they never pushed you aside. I get that this can happen when a partner is toxic and alienating, but there are also times when it’s of the friend’s own volition."

    a woman alone at one end of a bench and a couple cuddling at the other
    Image Source / Getty Images

    —rachelmay

    14. "When you're expected to be there for them but they always have an excuse not to be there for you."

    Stevie Budd asking, "Where were you?"
    Pop TV

    —thedeleted73

    15. "When they constantly talk about themselves and never ask you how you are."

    woman asking, "So what's going on with you?"
    Fox

    —writerhannah31

    16. "When they borrow something of yours and either damage it, let their kids damage it, lose it, or act like you're lying when you ask for the item back."

    confused Jeff Goldblum
    CBS

    —jennies4783ed5b8

    17. "If your friend treats you like their own personal therapist."

    therapist laughing and shrugging
    HBO

    "It’s one thing to expect your friend to be kind to you and understand mental health things, but it’s another to use them as a therapist and/or parental figure."

    —keepcalmandthinkbig

    18. "Only needing you for the negative stuff in life and being nowhere in sight when they’re doing fun things."

    Shrugging woman looking around
    VH1

    —lizm75

    19. "If they don't apologize and change their behavior once you've pointed out that it's hurtful."

    Joey Tribbiani trying to apologize
    NBC

    —lizm75

    20. "If they keep all their friendships separate from you. I get that not all friend groups or friends will mix, but keeping them completely separate is shady."

    people reaching for each other across a line
    Klaus Vedfelt / Getty Images

    "It's especially bad if you do eventually meet and get along with their other friends and they get upset or jealous. I had a friendship like this and it lasted for about four years before I had to walk away. I want to say I felt bad or sad, but the relief was immense and I didn’t miss them for second, which I guess is the sad part."

    —lizm75

    21. "Friends who have to be the center of attention or opt to constantly give unwanted advice and opinions are not real friends. Attention-hungry friends are also always the worst behaved when they're drunk and you’ll definitely end up taking care of them."

    man saying, "Please be quiet, I'm talking now."
    IFC

    —zingingcutie23_

    22. "One-sided friendships. When it feels like you're the one always texting first or making the effort, that's a red flag."

    woman saying, "Fine, whatever"
    Fox

    —louisebambi1989

    23. "Be aware of someone who is unable to say they're sorry."

    CBS

    "This is a red flag for everyone — partners, parents, coworkers, family members, etc. — but it doesn't often get talked about in friendships. I don't mean apologizing for innocent mistakes. Friends should be able to realize they were wrong or hurtful, swallow their pride, and give an honest and thoughtful apology. Pretending the conversation never happened isn't an apology. Asking someone if they want food isn't an apology. Saying, 'So, we good?' isn't an apology. Normalize real apologies in ALL relationships."

    —taylynngabbey

    24. "It's not a good sign if they get jealous when you hang out with other friends. It's even worse if they then try to 'punish' you with the cold shoulder for not telling them about your plans."

    woman saying, "Jealous much?"
    Cinemarque Entertainment

    —r4732565ca

    25. "If they interrupt you with something completely unrelated every time you try to talk to them about an issue you're facing. It means they're not listening and don't care about what you have to say."

    girl saying, "You're not listening, obviously"
    Hulu

    —trilingualmom

    26. "When they try to get you to team up against someone else in your group and manipulate you into thinking you also have an issue with that person."

    Lorelai Gilmore saying, "Oh those people. Master manipulators."
    The WB

    —r4732565ca

    27. Finally: "When they always play the victim and make every fight your fault."

    woman saying, "Don't you dare play the victim, Faye."
    USA

    —hermione_granger_346

    Are there other friendship red flags you'd like to address? Tell us in the comments!

    Note: Submissions have been edited for length and/or clarity.

    If you or someone you know has experienced sexual assault, you can call the National Sexual Assault Hotline at 1-800-656-HOPE, which routes the caller to their nearest sexual assault service provider. You can also search your local center here.