Greetings, fellow hitchhikers of the world wide web, and welcome to another rendition of Help Me Hameda — the fortnightly column where I offer advice to a reader who submits their problem to me via DM.
Now, I don't know about the rest of you, but ever since I was a kid I've thought about what it would be like to have a twin.
It just seemed like life would be that much more exciting with a twin — like a best friend that's been by your side for the entirety of your life, sharing your experiences in real-time. But like most things that fall into the "grass is greener" category, I can also see how things could get rather complicated if you're living alongside someone who looks exactly like you.
This brings me to our DM, which was submitted through Twitter.
"I am a 22F with an identical twin. I am a more straight-laced, by the book person — my sister is not. We’ve had a tumultuous relationship over our lives, but have been doing really well recently, since moving out of our childhood home.
Here's my problem: My twin has started camming and has a decent-ish following on OF [OnlyFans]. She didn’t tell me about it (nor would I expect her to — it's none of my business). I found out about it because my mum sent me a link (that's a whole other post — suffice to say neither my sister nor I are on good terms with our mother)."
"If we were fraternal twins, I would be all for it (or at least, not really care either way). But we’re identical. My sister doesn’t hide her face on any of her NSFW platforms, but she also doesn’t advertise her NSFW materials on her other social media. She doesn’t have her name anywhere either, so if someone were to find a video of her, there would be no way of telling (without in-depth digging) whether we had a twin at all."
"My sister makes a little bit of money from this, but it's definitely a side job. My question is, can I talk to her about stopping?"
"I haven’t brought it up at all since we’ve been doing so well lately, and I don’t want to screw it all up, because I'm an insecure ball of nerves. We are our own people and I know it's not fair of me to ask her to stop, but I really want to anyway.
What if she doesn’t really care about the camming and stopping is no big deal for her? What if it is a big deal for her, but she stops for me and then resents me for it?
I’m proud that she feels confident and strong enough to do this. That she isn’t going to take any of the weird purity culture shit we grew up with. I don’t want to ruin that for her — to take away from the bravery of that.
I hate that I’m so uncomfortable. I wish I wasn’t, but I am. Any advice you have would be greatly appreciated."
Firstly, I'd like to acknowledge and extend my sympathies for what you and your sister had to go through growing up. We all face hardships from time to time, but when it comes from a carer that's supposed to be your soft place to land, it's even more dreadful. I'd like to commend you both for coming out of it and clearly evolving into beautiful, independent souls — and I hope you remind yourself every day of how proud you should be, because that shit's not fucking easy.
I can also tell from your words that you're quite self-aware and reflective — which tells me that you have boundless intuition. You practically gave yourself the answer when you were asking me the question. Can you talk to her about stopping? Well, of course you can.
Listen, I know that relationships between sisters can be quite complicated — I've got two of them. Often times when they're doing something that bothers or upsets me I keep my grievances to myself because I don't want to rock the boat — and this is mainly due to how much I value the bond we share.
That being said, when it's an issue that's giving you such bad feelings and causing you to stay up at night, it's actually a disservice to your sister not to let her know how you feel. You won't know how she'll react until you bring it up and chances are, she hasn't fully grasped the impact that her actions might have on you. Or perhaps she figures that since you haven't voiced an issue with it, you're fine with it.
And yes, there is a chance that even after you talk to her about how you feel, she won't stop doing what she's doing. But choosing to pretend it's not happening will put just as much strain on your relationship as being open and honest. I could be wrong, but I believe that half of the anxiety that's keeping you up at night is stemming from a place of helplessness and the general unknowing. It can be scary, standing on that ledge with no clue about what might be waiting for you at the bottom — but trust me when I say you'll feel so much relief knowing exactly what it is you're dealing with.
It's cheesy and cliché, but knowledge is power. You won't know how to tackle your issues with what may happen if someone comes across your sister's work without achieving clarity by learning about the circumstance from her, rather than studying the version that she chooses to show online through a link that your mother sent to you.
Whether or not your sister chooses to continue isn't really in your control — and how she feels about the decision she makes is also not your burden to bear. You should always trust your gut — and it seems to me that your gut is telling you to have that conversation.
And that's all the advice that I have for our gorgeous DMer. If you have anything you'd like to add, or have been through a similar situation — feel free to offer your advice in the comments below.
Just remember to be kind and considerate when you do.
Note: Responses have been edited for length and/or clarity.
If you've got a question about a problem, have a thought you can't seem to resolve, or want another opinion on a scenario in your life, you can DM me about it on Instagram (@itshameda) or Twitter (@hamedanafiz) to be featured in the column.
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