1. If Kim Kardashian were your best friend, you'd have "Never Go Against The Family" tattooed on your lower right buttcheek. You'd have got it while drunk at Kim's bachelorette party in Vegas.
2. That tattoo would be your most liked picture on Instagram.
3. If Kim Kardashian were your best friend, you'd use the word "bible" at least 30 times a day, despite never actually owning a Bible.
4. Or accompanying Kim to church.
5. Or being in a situation so serious that you ever have to swear on the Bible in the first place.
6. If Kim Kardashian were your best friend, every time you had an argument you'd play Kim's 2010 smash hit "Jam (Turn It Up)" really fucking loudly until she stopped talking.
7. Then you'd kiss and make up with a selfie on Twitter, probably coupled with the frog and tea emoji because you love a good bit of controversy.
8. If Kim Kardashian were your best friend, you'd keep a spare lamp in your pocket for emergency selfies in the face of shitty lighting.
9. If Kim Kardashian were your best friend, you'd try going vegan together, and wouldn't have the heart to tell her you sleep with a bag of beef jerky under your pillow.
10. If Kim Kardashian were your best friend, you'd have a group text with Kim, Kourtney, and Khloé with nothing but adorable pictures of North and Saint, and cute, fluffy dogs.
11. If Kim Kardashian were your best friend, you'd occasionally prank her by sending random pictures of stretch marks and writing "you're next" underneath.
12. If Kim Kardashian were your best friend, Kylie Jenner would follow you on Tumblr, and every time she liked one of your posts it would instantly make you feel less old, withered, and boring.
13. If Kim Kardashian were your best friend, your favourite colour would be black. Like your coffee. And your men.
14. If Kim Kardashian were your best friend, you'd get shitfaced on bottomless mimosas every Sunday with Kris, and complain between burps that Kim is "so boring" for staying sober.
15. If Kim Kardashian were your best friend, you'd go on extravagant adventures to Rome and Paris *just* to get cheesecake, and it would always be the best cheesecake you'd ever eaten because it would be free.
16. If Kim Kardashian were your best friend, you'd have probably spent what felt like three years looking for her long-lost diamond earring in that ocean in Bora Bora.
17. If Kim Kardashian were your best friend, you'd spell random "C" words with a "K" for no reason (which would make you look like a bit of kock, but who kares).
18. If Kim Kardashian were your best friend, at some point she'd tell you she's responsible for your career and you'd have to quietly agree with her.
19. If Kim Kardashian were your best friend, on the day of the new Yeezy release you'd wake up to hundreds of Yeezys scattered all over your apartment. It'd be super awkward because you actually hate Yeezys, so you'd have no choice but to secretly sell them on eBay.
20. If Kim Kardashian were your best friend, you'd have Kanye West on speed dial, but you'd only be instructed to call him in an emergency. Like, say, a long thread of disconnected tweets on Twitter, perhaps.
21. If Kim Kardashian were your best friend, you would never actually work out, but take a *lot* of Valencia-filtered Instagram pictures in Adidas workout gear.
22. If Kim Kardashian were your best friend, you'd have a room in her house where you'd always sleep. The walls would be decorated in ivory white with one statement wall made up entirely of selfies of the two of you. All the furniture, bed linen, and towels would also be white, but with a slight tinge of brown from all the foundation stains you'd left behind.
23. If Kim Kardashian were your best friend, you'd have given the maid of honour speech at her wedding. It would've included a dance routine, a flight of doves, and a surprise musical performance from Adele.
24. Adele would have finished her performance by screaming "CONGRATUFUCKINGLATIONS KIM, MATE" at the top of her voice, before passing out drunk.
25. It would have been a hell of a speech.
26. If Kim Kardashian were your best friend, you'd get to babysit North all the time, but never let her go anywhere near your phone because you know what she's like with Instagram.
27. If Kim Kardashian were your best friend, your special ringtone for her would be Sir Mix-a-Lot's "Baby Got Back".
28. If Kim Kardashian were your best friend, you'd have met before the days of highlight, contour, and good eyebrows. It would have been during that awkward teen stage right in the thick of puberty, where you would've bonded over your mutual love of heavy eyeliner and kitten heels. All pictures from this era would have been burned in an "accidental fire" in Kim's backyard three years ago.
29. If Kim Kardashian were your best friend, your relationship would somewhat resemble that of Jan and Marcia from The Brady Brunch. You would both admire and resent the way she manages to look flawless everyday, and occasionally contemplate her beauty over a skinny chai latte from Starbucks.
30. If Kim Kardashian were your best friend, you would get in several Twitter arguments a week over the use of the word "Karkrashian".
31. If Kim Kardashian were your best friend, your favourite catchphrase would be "not with fresh makeup".
32. If Kim Kardashian were your best friend, your obsession with Keeping Up With the Kardashians would be 3,487 times more awkward than it currently is.
33. If Kim Kardashian were your best friend, you'd have a framed picture of Kim's crying face on your dinner table, gifted to you by Kourtney as a Secret Santa present.
