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    What Where You Live In London Says About You

    This conversation contains absolutely no lies or sweeping generalisations. Sorry Peckham.

    "Everyone in Hackney buys all their clothes from ASOS, but describes them as vintage."

    "People who've lived there for ages have a perpetually nervous look in their eyes, worried that if they leave their house for too long they'll come back and find it's been turned into a pop-up craft beer and knitting club."

    "The people of Shoreditch own many hats."

    "Everyone says it's crap because in the '90s it was edgy. In the '90s they said it was better and edgier in the '80s. In the '80s they said it was better in 1874."

    "Everyone who lives near Dalston tells others that they live in the heart of Dalston, when in fact that live in a leafy middle class lane three miles away."

    "I feel like people in Dalston want to believe it's still gritty, but they just opened an art gallery so they can fuck off."

    "People who want to believe Dalston is still gritty would be terrified of anywhere actually gritty."

    "People who live in Stoke Newington are extremely keen for you to know they live in Stoke Newington. Always banging on about it. They're all in denial about the fact it's a complete ballache to get to."

    "A lot of lesbian pubs that serve brunch and welcome children."

    "Yep, fair shout, there's a lesbian pub there that does a cracking Sunday roast."

    "If you live in Stoke Newington you are probably a 37-year-old TV producer pushing a high-end buggy past an organic furniture shop."

    "Clapton is full of 36-year-old TV producers who tell everybody they live in Stoke Newington."

    "No-one goes to Camden, apart from goths and cybergoths."

    "It's a little known fact that the crusty punks on the bridge in Camden are actually guardians of an ancient portal. If they leave, the hell-mouth opens."

    "Cybergoth: a subculture apparently concentrated within about ten square feet in Camden market. It doesn't exist anywhere else."

    "In Cyberdog they sell cybergoth clothes for BABIES. It's amazing."

    "They literally sell sex toys and baby clothes in the same shop — so practical."

    "Vauxhall is full of clubs called things like SinBox or Gladiator that stay open until Tuesday lunchtime. I feel a comedown coming on just thinking about it."

    "There are actual people who live in Vauxhall and they're all quite nice and sensible and have got used to walking past people with staring eyes staggering out of clubs as they walk to work on a Wednesday morning."

    "I imagine they've made a game of it at this point."

    "There was a survey recently. It listed the places in London with the highest proportion of ugly people. Bromley came out on top. Not saying I agree. Just pointing it out."

    "Everyone in Islington reads the Guardian. Or works for the Guardian."

    "I feel like Islington residents pay all their bills on time. In fact, they've got a special wooden holder thing in the kitchen where they store all their letters."

    "People who live in Stratford are proud because they live two minutes away from John Lewis."

    "Stratford is full of people desperately hoping it's about to be cool."

    "I once went to Nando's in Stratford and sat outside and a man peed into the plant pot right next to me."

    "Hampstead is so posh it's not even real. You walk past the houses and you think 'No normal human being could live here.'"

    "People in Hampstead were good at rugby in school."

    "They all have opinions on what sort of work surfaces you want in your kitchen."

    "Passionate about fruit ciders."

    "I think people who live in Kensington and Chelsea all take Uber Exec home after a night out with no shame."

    "Their biggest aspiration in life is being written about and papped in the Evening Standard."

    "Some people here actually have velvet cars, they do not belong on our planet anymore."

    "They read Tatler non-ironically."

    "Fuck 'em. Fuck 'em all."

    "Everybody in Walthamstow says — 'HOW much!?' when they walk past an estate agent's window."

    "Walthamstow people are very proud of their local community. They have regular meetups and know their neighbours' names."

    "Love a pub quiz."

    "Walthamstow Village has the poshest branch of Spar I've ever been in. Artisanal bread and vats of organic balsamic vinegar. (Not all of Walthamstow is like this.)"

    "No one in Camberwell has an Ikea print on their walls."

    "It's one of those places you drive through without realising it. You'll think, 'Oh are we in Camberwell' and then realise you passed it five minutes ago."

    "Camberwell is full of freelancers. Most rustic-looking cafes look like a shabby-chic office on any given Tuesday afternoon."

    "Home to London's finest Nando's."

    "Camberwell really does smell like weed a lot of the time."

    "You can tell Brixton is getting posh by the amount of braying you hear. Never used to hear braying in Brixton. Now it's quite common. You'll often be at a bar and be deafened by a gale of rugger bugger laughter. Always used to be a Clapham thing, but it's spreading."

    "Brixton is now full of people moaning about how 'the character of the area's changed', happily ignoring the fact that this is because they moved there."

    "Really proud of all the very diverse food options. Never use them."

    "I think that everyone in Westminster has an important job. If you threw a cat into a pub on a Sunday, it'd claw at least three CEOs before running away."

    "People who live in Westminster get very annoyed when you think that they're all special advisers to cabinet ministers. They're all 'No mate, I'm a bin man.'"

    "They live near Big Ben, which must keep them up all night. How frustrating."

    "People in Wimbledon only eat strawberries and cream, and their favourite Saturday night out is heading out on a tram (probably)."

    "Is Wimbledon even in London (jk-not-jk)."

    "Are there any real life Wombles?"

    "Yes. But only cockwombles."

    "Is there an actual Forest or a hill in Forest Hill or was that just wishful thinking?"

    "Forest Hill is increasingly full of Greenpeace employees in their late thirties who've heard that this is the best place to buy in London right now."

    "'Oh god, it's happening to us now? Screw you, Crossrail.' – everybody else in Forest Hill."

    "Forest Hill would like to remind any part of London that think they're better, that nowhere else has a fuck off IRL stuffed Walrus."

    "Everyone in Shepherd's Bush works for the BBC."

    "Or an independent production company that does a lot of work with the BBC."

    "Or is sad because BBC Television Centre is no longer open."

    "So. Many. Australians."

    "I don't like anyone who lives in Peckham. Not one person."

    "Jeb ends."

    "They all wish they lived in Dalston."

    "And they have nowhere to go out so literally spend their time in a carpark."

    "I went to that stupid bar on the roof of a car park once, and my first thought was 'Oh, I wondered why Shoreditch was experiencing a fuckwit drought.'"

    "Guys I live in Peckham."


    "Everyone in Elephant and Castle is a student, and feels very proud about living in area surrounded by concrete."

    "Home of the bleakest, most windswept roundabout in London."

    "All the students that end up in Tottenham are so jealous of the ones in Elephant and Castle."

    "People only visit here for Ikea. Nothing else."

    "People in Battersea go outside for fun."

    "Everyone there has a dog, or can hear a dog at all times."

    "Immensely practical with their hands. They can all fix stuff, and act like it ain't no thing."

    "Notting Hill has that door from that film. Everyone wants to take a photo of that door. It's not even the same door. Idiots."

    "Everyone who lives here has ridiculously camp flock wallpaper and thinks it's still on trend."

    "Everyone gets excited about the Isle of Dogs when they first hear the name. But then they visit it and they feel disappointed."

    "Kilburn is even more rugby based than Hampstead."

    "Everyone goes to the pub 'to watch the rugby' but never actually watches it. They stand around checking their work emails."

    "Also in Kilburn — six Irish men in their late fifties wondering what the hell just happened to their neighbourhood."

    "Clapham is pronounced Cla'am, of course."

    "Everytime I go to Clapham it's full of cunts. Rugby shirt wearing cunts. Cunts who shout their friend's nicknames across a pub. Bantercunts."

    "Steady on."

    "People in Highgate have good quads because it is on top of the rest of London."

    "Supposedly during the great fire, people walked up the hill to Highgate and sat there watching the city burn. That's such a Highgate thing to do."

    "Greenwich is a nice place full of nice people who are all a bit secretly worried that the rest of London's about to find out their secret."

    "Literally nobody in Greenwich is proud of living near the O2."

    "People in Greenwich are the last people in London who get excited about seeing their bit of London in a Hollywood film."

    "They loved it when it got smashed up to fuck in Thor 2."

    "Crouch End features in the Peep Show credits. And it's in Shaun of The Dead. Every time I watch those, I go, "Look, Crouch End!" For some reason it never gets old."

    "Stephen King once wrote a short story in which it featured as a portal to hell. He'd never been there, I don't think. "

    "Crouch End is legitimately an occult portal. Seriously, have a walk around it some time. The eldritch and the uncanny always lurk in the corner of your vision. That's why everybody who lives there has a slight otherworldly air to them. Well, that and the fact there's no tube station."

    "I think people in Barnet desperately wanted to buy a house north of the river."

    "No-one should have to stay on the Northern Line this long. Cruel and unusual punishment."

    "Nobody lives in The City. Nobody. On the weekends it is dead. Because everyone who works here is on their estate."

    "Most of the West Ham team lives here. Allegedly."

    "Bleak arid wasteland. Knock it all down and turn it into a giant ball pool."

    "As everybody now knows thanks to American Republicans, Tower Hamlets is a Muslim-only no-go zone. This is a bit awkward for everybody who lives there, who hadn't really noticed this."

    "Tower Hamlets: city boys living in vast, gleaming new build luxury apartment blocks, floating high above the class struggle."

    "It's very hard to stereotype Tower Hamlets because it contains multitudes. It's like someone decided to build a small London inside London.

    "No-one wanted to live in Finsbury Park, but it was sort of in the right place and now they're just there."

    "People who live here like to tell you how they are served by BOTH Piccadilly line and the Victoria line all the time."

    "Because they know there is basically nothing else there."

    "I imagine it's full of savvy people who value their travel connections over their safety."

    "Fucking love bowling."

    "Farringdon is full of insufferable media bellends, too-small pubs, and street food. Nothing else to see here."

    "They work for digital companies, wear tight jeans, drink posh coffee and take everything too seriously."

    "Everyone here works for an agency. It's not clear what it's an agency for. But it's an agency, and it has an unbelievably expensive looking office."

    "I once knew a guy from Bermondsey who was two hours late for a job interview, and offered no explanation other than 'traffic.'"

    "I have no idea what happens in Bermondsey."

    "Is it even real?"

    "Kentish Town is like Camden, but without the tragic 'used to be cool' vibe."

    "People who live in Kentish town will walk extra far for really good fried chicken."

    "A combination of middle-class first homeowners and people who've lived there for forty years and are adamant they're not going to sell up and move to High Barnet."

    "People who live in Kentish Town are very sensible. They've mostly abandoned their dreams but they're okay with this."

    "People in Holloway try to go out for nice meals, but end up just going somewhere local."

    "They are often angry at Arsenal, because traffic."

    "Oh god the traffic."

    "Hammersmith is often the first proper bit of London you see when you drive in. Which is a shame, really."

    "They play classical music all night long in Hammersmith bus station to make you think you're in a meaningful film. And it works."

    "People in Putney often wonder why their friends from other boroughs don't visit them much, and it's because it is a pain to get there by the slow milk float (aka. the District Line)."

    "Where is Wandsworth? Is this where all the sensible people live?"

    "I feel like Wapping is due to be up and coming."

    "Wapping up and came. It came a while back."

    "That was underwhelming for Wapping then."