You would never buy a ready meal.Unless it’s from Waitrose.Or Whole Foods.Or a dinner for two for £10 from M&S.You would only buy ready meals from independent shops and farmers’ markets.You go to an actual bakery to buy your bread.And an actual butcher to buy your meat.And a fishmonger.And a green grocer.You own a food processor.And a vegetable spiralizer.And a pestle and mortar.And a slow cooker.You don’t eat white bread.You tend to buy sourdough.And you buy rye bread when it’s available.You only buy organic food.You eat a lot of kale.You put pomegranate in salads.And fennel.You chargrill a lot of stuff.You only buy tender-stem broccoli.You cringe when someone pronounces quinoa wrong.You insist on making your own pastry.And your own bread.You have a bread maker.You think bread makers are cheating.You don’t mind queueing for restaurants.You go to new restaurant openings.You have gone to something because you know your favourite street food truck will be there.You buy cordial.You make your own jam.You make your own marmalade.You wouldn’t ever buy a supermarket sandwich.Unless it was from M&S.Or Waitrose.You are sure you can taste the difference between dried and fresh pasta.You eat a lot of couscous.You have cooked that thing that is like couscous, but bigger.You buy sausages that have herbs and vegetables already in them.You don’t own a microwave.You think microwaves are kind of evil.You make your own pizza.You’ve made your own pizza with a cauliflower base.You swear by roasting your potatoes in goose fat.You rarely order the house wine.You get your wine from somewhere that just sells wine.You own a wine decanter.You use one of those seasonal organic vegetable delivery services.You grow your own herbs.You grow your own vegetables.You make smoothies that turn out green.You buy a posh ketchup that isn’t Heinz or supermarket own brand.You own a selection of mustards.And more than two types of vinegar.And more than two types of oil.You infuse your own oils.You only buy Lurpak butter.You don’t buy spreadable butter.You only buy butter from the farmer’s market.You make your own butter.You use a nut butter that’s not peanut.You make your own nut butter.You make your own cheese.You have made more than one type of cheese.You don’t buy instant coffee.And you only buy loose leaf tea.And you always make your tea in a pot.You think coffee from chain coffee shops is rubbish.You have a coffee machine at home.You think coffee machines are rubbish.You use a cafetiere.You think cafetieres are rubbish.You only make your coffee in one of those little espresso machines you put on the hob.You know the name for that thing.
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