1.
can’t believe I just have to keep dating until someone likes me back or I die
2.
Me *orders our food fluently in Italian to impress my date* McDonalds drive-thru employee: what
3.
Me: Date: Me: Date: Me: Date: Me: Date: Me: Date: when the waiter said enjoy your meal, did you say "you too"? Me: ok you heard that
4.
*waits 12 minutes to reply after being ignored for 2 days* i DID tHAT honey !! he is SHOOK to the core !! a taste of his own medicine !!!
5.
date: I’m sick of bad boys, I want something more me: *puts Bad Boys 2 into the VCR* this is gunna blow your mind
6.
me: just give me a sign if they are going to waste my time or not please *gets sign* me:
7.
Dating guys in their 20s is an unpaid internship
8.
me talking to men with zero personality
9.
My flight was delayed 3 hours so I was doing what any human does when they’re bored. Minding my own business swiping through tinder & the guy behind me goes “ouch hard no for that one?” And I turn around ONLY TO SEE THE MAN I JUST SWIPED NO ON BEHIND ME HAHAHA
10.
dating: hi me thinking about potential heartbreak:
11.
I hate tinder. Someone cute comes along and replies with "Yhup" WTF IS YHUP. WHY IS THERE AN H? I DIDN'T SIGN UP FOR THAT H
12.
*takes 7 shots* Brain: wyd Liver: wyd Stomach: wyd Me to an ex: wyd
13.
Dating in 2018
14.
[watching the Fast and the Furious, Vin Diesel appears on screen] me: *whispers to date* that’s groot
15.
*first date* Guy: I like a girl who's good with money Me: the city will bury you for FREE if they can't identify your body
16.
things i will never do if we date: - give you up - let you down - run around and desert you - give you an orgasm - make you cry - say goodbye - tell a lie and hurt you
17.
[My date and I both speak at the same time] Me: Haha sorry! You go first Date: I was just gonna say I love this wine, and the food is delicious. What were you gonna say? Me: Should male sheep be called heep?
18.
Date: you know that was just a filter, right? Me: *upset she’s not part puppy* it’s fine, I’m fine
19.
[making out with date] her: oooh someone's being naughty me: [pulls away from kissing] shhh shut the fuck up, santa might hear you
20.
date: is your nose ring just a curly fry hanging from your nostrils me: yes date: have sex with me me: no
21.
[double date] me: this is nice my date: *visibly mad* I said bring a friend. this is so weird my hand puppet: how is it weird
22.
it’s so lame that all the trailers made it seem like he was definitely a talking kangaroo but then in the movie the only time kangaroo jack actually spoke was in a dream sequence date: *is gone already*
23.
find ur bf 👩🏻👩🏼👩🏽👩🏾👩🏿👩🏻👩🏼👩🏽👩🏾👩🏿 👨🏻👨🏼👨🏽👨🏾👨🏿👨🏻👨🏼👨🏽👨🏾👨🏿 👧🏻👧🏼👧🏽👧🏾👧🏿👧🏻👧🏼👧🏽👧🏾👧🏿 👦🏻👦🏼👦🏽👦🏾👦🏿👦🏻👦🏼👦🏽👦🏾👦🏿 cant find him? thats because u dont have one.
24.
Me: *pronounces date like pâté* Date: *pushing chair back in* I'm actually busy tonight
25.
[walking out of restaurant] DATE: let’s do this again ME: thank god I’m starving
26.
[Outside the Club] Date: wow that was fun! Me: *glances longingly* maybe next time i can get in
27.
Me: I write jingles for adverts. Date: Really? Any I'd know? Me: 🎶Cornflakes are just shit Frosties🎶 Date: That was on TV? Me: Not yet. None of my jingles have.
28.
This bumble claw crane with no prizes is a chilling metaphor
29.
“i’m not looking for a relationship” but let’s do everything that a relationship consists of as i continue calling you my friend.
30.
Dating when you’re in your 20s consists of a lot of glancing at people’s left hand to make sure they’re not married.
31.
boy: hi me: https://t.co/D48FwyoLin
32.
ME: this odd juice is really good DATE: actually, it’s not “odd juice”, it’s — ME: *sipping au jus* totally normal juice right
33.
me in high school & college forcing myself to like an artist for a boy
34.
[first date] her: i broke up with my last boyfriend because he was moving too fast sonic the hedgehog: wow okay fuck this
35.
“Ugh I really like talking to this boy he is so sweet and cute” *2 days later* Me:
36.
37.
shoutout to guys who go out with you once and never talk to you again, but then like all your instagram posts for the rest of your life like they never really wanted to date you and instead just wanted to capture you in glass and look at you forever like a caged fucking bird
38.
Date: What do you do? Me: [holds up menu] you just choose a meal from this book of food
39.
Let your date know you’re cultured by taking her to the symphony and saying “oh okay cool they’re doing it that way” when the oboes kick in
40.
Him: Let's do it doggy-style Me: I prefer catty-style Him: oo what's tha- Me: *already pushing him off the bed*
41.
first date idea: the airport. if they’re incompetent and slow in the security line you can just cut it off then and there
42.
date: I think you’re a 10/10 :) me: that makes me a 1 do you not know how to divide you fucking idiot
43.
Her: I love sensitive guys Me: I think that makes you so special, and it's what inspired me to write my most recent sonnet about you Her: nope, not like that
44.
[On a date] Him: I love a woman with a sense of humor, I'm a sucker for a good pun. Me: omg same. lol Jeremy if you were sliced up into little pieces and soaked in coffee liqueur and then layered between ladyfingers you'd be a jeramisu. Him: Me: Him: Me: jeramisu
45.
date: i love your shoes! me: ugh, these old things? they were free date: take the compliment! me: no like a kid stole them, threw them over a guard rail & they hit me on the head date: what?? me: ya turns out they used to belong to some basketball star date: this is ‘holes’
46.
me: would you like to come out for dinner tonight date: ok, how about 7? me: let's just have one and see
47.
[First date] Me: Not to brag but I make seven figures a year. Her: What do you do? Me: Sculpture.
48.
FRIEND: women love to be serenaded ME: ok [later] ME: [halfway through my armpit fart rendition of Extreme's 'More Than Words'] DATE: can you stop doing that?
49.
[Date] Her: *flirting* I like someone who is good in bed. Me: *trying to impress* I slept for 14 hours yesterday.
50.
Dating in your 30s seems awful but what’s the alternative? Getting married in your 20s? This is a lose lose situation
51.
Date guys who love their dogs. They always go home early.
52.
Dating in your 20s: I'm open to trying new things. *giggle* Dating in late 30s+: Here is a full list of my problems and things I will never, ever enjoy in any manner
53.
Everyone on OK Cupid says they want a partner in crime but no one wants to help me push this vault off a cliff
54.
[preparing for a date] me: what if she kisses me roommate: you kiss her back, bro me: ok me: *thinking* but why her back though
55.
[first date] her: yeah i'm gonna go me: wait you only heard 12 out of my 37 reasons the emperor's new groove is the best disney movie
56.
[in the bedroom] me: do u wanna role play her: yeah that sounds fun ;) me: ok meet me at the park at 8, and bring your best spells we need a mage
57.
i hate when my friend starts dating an idiot and i have to be like how could you bring this man into our lives
58.
me: I am so sick of being single, someone please date me a man: Hi me:
59.
I told my sister to stop dating broke guys And she told me if that's what all brother were saying to their sisters I would be single too 😠😠😠😠😠😠😠😠😠😠😠😠😠
60.
DATE: I love women that are extremely honest ME: [winking seductively] You are wearing too much cologne & it's giving me a headache
61.
me: you're so beautiful date: oh I bet you say that to all the girls me: quiet, I'm on the phone
62.
Date: maybe go easy on the salt *i stand up so i can see over my pile of salt* Me: but what if there's a slug in my stomach Date: *trying* then you'd only need a little Me: *motioning to the server to bring more salt* what if its a family of slugs
63.
Ariana had to learn the hard way what all women find out eventually: that sometimes you think a guy is amazing and funny and loving and sexy, but it turns out he’s just tall
64.
There’s plenty of fish in the sea but you know what else there is? Trash. There is a lot of trash in the sea.
65.
Why doesn’t anybody love me the way people on Catfish love strangers who won’t video chat
66.
i don’t get how u cheat on a significant other. like how do you get 2 different ppl to like u. how
67.
Wondering how long it’ll take for my boyfriend to realize every time he’s told me he loves me I’ve said I love YouTube
68.
me: you like my top hat? date: yeah it's ok me: [taking it off] what about the ones underneath it
69.
date: if you could have any super power what would it be? me: [immediately] udder with chocky milk
70.
[first date] her: i like guys who are into music me: *slowly pulls out a banjo* her: no
71.
Cuffing season? Nah fam. It’s stuffing season. Don’t try to date me unless you’re made of mashed potatoes.
72.
How people watch movies when they’re: DATING *hold hands* ENGAGED *cuddle* MARRIED *one person turns the volume up while I choke on a piece of popcorn*
73.
[restaurant] me: you mind if I go to the bathroom? date: yeah sure me: thanks, I prefer to eat in private
74.
date: i like a guy who’s strong- me: i can bench 130 lbs date: enough to tell the truth me: on the moon
75.
[date knocks my drink over] MY HOT HOT DOG WATER
76.
Me *drives date home and revs engine sexily* so you wanna do this again? Date *climbs off lawnmower* I do not
77.
[finishing dinner] her: should we stay for dessert, or you want to back to my place for that ;) me: *scanning the menu* do you have chocolate souffle at your place? her: no, but- me: let's stay
78.
Life is short. If you have a crush on someone, walk right up to them then a little past them and just keep going it’s probably not worth it
79.
[date] Me: so what do you do? Her: data scientist Me: haha no I’m in sales
80.
me: goes on a date group chat: 👀👀👀👀👀👀 me:
81.
opened a DM picture from a man expecting it to be a dick pic but it was a poem, which is somehow worse
82.
Dating in 2018: having relationship problems with someone you’re not in a relationship with.
83.
Very flattered that you tried inviting me over at two am but, now hear me out. What if you asked me on a date instead.
84.
Friend: "Love is in the air" Me: *stops breathing* #SingleButNotSorry
85.
Date: Once I dated a guy who wore those sneakers that light up when you walk lmao Me *daren't move* haha what a loser
86.
So I’m @ the bank waiting in line & the guy in front of me is spitting game to the teller, she’s laughing & he’s attractive so I can tell she’s digging it, he asks her if he can take her out and she says “with what? The whole $11.96 you got in your account?” SON, my chest 😭
87.
Me: I know it’s weird but do you wanna see where my dad is buried? Date: actually, I love graveyards Me: *flipping on cellar light* graveyards?
88.
date: [in the bathroom on the phone to her friend] yeah it’s going ok but he ordered a milk flavoured milkshake
89.
[date] me: what's your type? her: I like a man who doesn't get jealous me: WHO IS HE
90.
FRIEND: Impress her with how much money you spend. [later on date] ME: I buy all my groceries from Skymall.
91.
so no one told you life was gonna be this way
92.
[at a party, everyone staring at me] ME: what the hell you said skinny ties were back in! DATE: i know but - ME: i even tied it correctly! DATE: but where are the rest of your clothes?!
93.
FRIEND: Just don’t be awkward on the first date. ME: Awkward? I’m never awkward. [on the date] ME: Will you walk me to the bathroom?
94.
[at the movies] ME: would you like some pop- (suddenly remembering my date calls it soda) would you like some sodacorn
95.
So I have a date tonight and I went to the mall to try and find a cute shirt to wear. I see the guy I’m going on a date with and he was getting new clothes to wear tonight 😂
96.
friend: just act mature me: okay [later on date] her: so what do you do for fun? me: *with a calm voice* my taxes
97.
{First Date} HER: So, tell me about yourself. ME: Well, I don’t like to toot my own horn. *Pulls out horn* HER: What? ME: It’s vintage. The more you toot it the less valuable it is.
98.
[first date] me: so are u from France her: Hungary me: I'll buy ur dinner Hanna just tell me where ur from
99.
[First date] Him: What's your favorite dish? Me: The one that holds the most food.
100.
*first date* Brain: say something interesting Me: Cheese is just a loaf of milk Brain: close enough