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If You Are Not Spraying Water Up Your Ass, You Are Not Living Your Best Life

1 Corinthians 11: When I was a child, I spoke as a child, I understood as a child, I wiped my butt like a child; but when I became a man, I put away childish things.

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A lot of people don't know that there is an alternative to smearing poop all over your butt with toilet paper after you've finished your business!

It's called a bidet, and if you're not using one, you are not living your best life. Here are a few reasons why:

1. Your butt gets cleaner. And a cleaner butt is a better butt.

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2. Your butt is also happier.

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If butts could talk, the first thing they would say is "We don't like being scraped with abrasive toilet paper every day!"

3. A thing that toilet paper does that water doesn't do is rip out tiny hairs in your crack and make you bleed.

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This is bad. No one needs it.

4. Which means that you can live your life dingleberry-free with a bidet!

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It's the American dream, and they would have put it into the Constitution if they'd had any foresight at all.

5. With the bidet method, you can spend the absolute minimum amount of time with your hand in your butt crack.

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Which is as nice for hands as it is for butts! No more punching your finger through the toilet paper and getting it dirty.

6. Civilized countries like Japan have already figured this out.

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By 2002, half of all homes in Japan had a personalized jet spray installed in their toilets.

7. It's cheaper!

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You can get a toilet attachment for less than $70 and a hand sprayer for less than $30. Compare that with how much money you'll save on toilet paper in a year and they pay for themselves!

8. Running out of toilet paper stops being such a goddamn emergency.

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Think of all the domestic squabbles and eventual divorces and then years of litigation and custody battles and (probably) revenge murders that could be prevented if none of us had to fight about whose turn it was to refill the toilet paper.

9. You will also never have to worry about the dreaded "pruritus ani."

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That's Latin for "itchy butt," so at least now you know something useful, even if you refuse to change your outdated ideas about the best way to clean your bottom.

10. Plus, it's good for the environment!

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Americans use 35 billion rolls of toilet paper a year, which translates to about 15 million trees.

11. Try to think about it as taking a relaxing, hygienic mini-shower for your butt every time you poop.

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Doesn't that seem nicer and more civilized than jamming a bunch of paper up in there?

If all those reasons haven't convinced you, try these little thought experiments, and then ask yourself if your butt is living its best life.

  1. When you need to wash your body after exercising, do you:

    When you need to wash your body after exercising, do you:

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When you need to wash your body after exercising, do you:
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  1. A bird just pooped on your head. How would you prefer to deal with it?

    A bird just pooped on your head. How would you prefer to deal with it?

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A bird just pooped on your head. How would you prefer to deal with it?
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  1. What is the best way to clean a dirty bottom?

    What is the best way to clean a dirty bottom?

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