These Children Of The '90s Trying To Explain '80s Cartoons Will Depress You And Make You Feel Old
Watch in horror as two people who were born in '89 and '92 and somehow managed to attain adulthood encounter '80s action cartoons for the first time. How do you not know who He-Man is???
Jack: All right friends, let's talk about our favorite '80s action cartoons!
Erin: I was alive in the '80s for two months.
Kayla: I don't know much about the '80s, except for Tina Turner and The Cosby Show. And Madonna.
Jack: Who would you guys say these people are?
Kayla: G.I. Joe?
Erin: I like the man in the leotard in the back. "Man-O-Tard." I also know this is G.I. Joe, but only because of the viral YouTube sensation.
Kayla: The man in the denim vest is UNF worthy.
Erin: These look like The Village People. If all the Village People were in the army.
Kayla: It's fun to stay at the A-R-M-Y.
[Editor's note: The "guy with the leotard" at the back is Scarlett. She is a counter-intelligence specialist.]
Jack: What about this person? Do you know who he is and what he does?
Erin: Captain Falcon? From Super Smash Bros? And that's Gene Simmons in the back.
Kayla: He looks like he's ready to take on the world. I'm more interested in the bae on the left though, tbh.
Tanner Ringerud: Is he good or bad?
Kayla: This guy kind of reminds me of someone from Inspector Gadget? Did that show have like a guy who never showed his face?
Erin: Darth Vader.
Tanner: Dr. Claw.
Jack: What about this guy?
Erin: I would name him Cobra Commander, which might already be a thing. He seems bad too. Based on, you know, snakes..
Tanner: What is he from?
Kayla: Power Rangers?
Jack: OK, this is a "Hero or Villain?" round. Tell me what you think the character's name is, whether they are a hero or a villain, and what their deal is.
Erin: Oooh this dude is BAD. Venom from Spider Man?
Kayla: He's totally a hero. He looks like he's gonna save a town with those swords.
Erin: How does he see? Or does he just feel?
Erin: She's a hero. Well, she's my hero. Because she is rocking that spandex. Her name is Molly; she likes books. She shoots people who don't like books.
Kayla: She's a villain, b/c she's too hot to be good. her name is Lady Bombshell Brunette.
Erin: She's ridding the world of IGNORANCE.
Kayla: She lures ppl in with her hot looks and spandex.
Erin: VILLAIN. His name is Vin Diesel's dad. He steals people's curtains to make his collar bigger.
Kayla: He takes off his gray gloves and throws people into a tank with sharks.
[Editor's note: Weirdly, Kayla is right about this.]
Kayla: OMG total hero.
Erin: Hi there.
Kayla: Can I have yo numba.
Erin: His name is probably just Bruce because he's a laid-back dude.
Kayla: He saves people by tattooing their arms. his name is Dr. Dirrty Dan.
Erin: He's going to catch fish for our seafood dinner tonight.
Erin: Ugh, villain.
Kayla: He really intimidates me. So villain.
Erin: I just hate this guy.
Kayla: He kinda reminds me of Jorgen Von Strangle from The Fairly OddParents.
[Editor's note: Literally no idea what that is.]
Erin: He doesn't deserve a name. He reminds me of Porn Stache from OITNB.
Kayla: His name is Burt Reynolds.
Jack: OK, fill-in-the-blanks time. Riddle me this: One half of the battle is warfare. What is the other half of the battle?
Erin: Just having fun and being yourself?
Jack: Who are these people? To the best of your ability, name each of them. And tell me what show they are from.
Kayla: Cats: The Musical?
Kayla: G.I. Joe?
Erin: Kitty Cat Adventure Time.
Kayla: Meow Power.
Erin: The big one's name is Simba, and the blue one's name is Bluey.
Kayla: The little one is Marie, like the Aristocats.
Erin: The lady is Mama Cat. And the little one's name is Snorf.
[Editor's note: !!!]
Kayla: The children are the Meow-ettes.
Erin: Mew Mews. The guy on the left is Uncle Claw. He's been so mean ever since his divorce.
Jack: What would you say is happening here?
Erin: I think Simba is mercy-killing Snorf. The Kitty Cat Adventure Time family is so over him. That's why his eyes are full of fear. Wait, is he a bat?
Jack: OK, fill-in-the-blanks time! Complete this phrase: "Thunder, Thunder, ThunderCats: _____!"
Kayla: Give us milk.
Erin: WE WANT MILK.
Jack: OK, what show are these people from? Who are they? What are all their names?
Kayla: This looks familiar but I have no idea.
Erin: Is that man on the right made out of a boat? Is that Noah?
Kayla: Mermaid Man?
Jack: What is the name of the show?
Erin: This is Hercules And Friends.
Kayla: The man in the front is like, Golden Man? And he swims and saves sea creatures.
Erin: This is Turgle. He's part tiger and part turtle. That's why he's green and is wearing a shell. He's a good guy but he's misunderstood.
Jack: Lightning round. Villain/Hero/What is their name and what do they do?
Erin: That's a tater tot I dropped behind my mom's couch in '95.
Erin: He was good but he spoiled and now he's bad.
Erin: That's the boat guy! From Hercules and Friends. His name is Noah. He's bad because he forgot to bring the dinosaurs on the ark.
Erin: 100% hero. His name is Amphibob.
Kayla: Hero / Underwater Ninja Turtle / He protects the sea with his big piece of corn.
Kayla: Oh, he's so sad.
Erin: This is No Neck. He's a hero, but he's pretty lame. No one really calls him to hang out.
Kayla: OMG villain.
Erin: THIS IS SKELETOR.
Jack: Yes! This is the first thing that you have gotten right.
Erin: I know that because my cousin used to call me Skeletor!
Kayla: Is he sitting on a pumpkin?
Jack: Do you know what show he's from?
Kayla: G.I. Joe.
Erin: I don't know who or why he exists. But he looks like he loves Halloween.
Jack: OK, fill in the blank please: "By the power of Greyskull, I have the _____"
Erin: Wi-Fi password.
Jack: You should know this one. Who are these people and what show are they from?
Erin: Are these the Mutant Ninja Turtles before they became mutants?
Kayla: They're villains, and enjoy crushing turtles. And they're from Growing Pains?
Jack: Erin, you got your second semi-correct answer! Kayla, you are still like 0 for 100.
Erin: This is like a weird mix of The Lion King and Sparta. How do they characters even fit together? You have real animals, human animals, and humans. Like pick a fucking topic.
Jack: OK, who is this person, what show is he from, and what is his deal?
[Editor's note: It's difficult to capture the feeling in the room here, but at this point, Kayla and Erin lose their fucking minds about Krang for some reason. Like they have never seen anything like it in their weird, short, mostly TMNT-less lives.]
Kayla: TINY ARMS
Erin: This guy is my next boyfriend.
Kayla: THUNDA THIGHS. Who you calling pinhead?
Erin: OK, wow, I am getting flustered over here.
Kayla: *fans self*
Erin: This is Lifeguard Luke, he is good.
Kayla: And the little meatball inside of him is his spirit guide.
Erin: He's wearing his speedo so he can jump in the pool and save people and you can see through his stomach so he doesn't try to swim after eating and get cramps.
Erin: This is Hugh Hefner's pet rat.
Jack: You should know this one!
Kayla: His name is Dr. Sherlock Doggie.
Kayla: Oh, he's a rat.
Erin: Sorry I wish I didn't say that last part. I was born in the '80s, don't forget. '89, baby!
Jack: Complete these phrases: "Leonardo leads, Donatello does ____"
Jack: "Raphael is cool but ____"
Jack: "Michaelangelo's ____"
Erin: A famous painter.
Jack: "When the evil Shredder _____s, these Turtle boys don't _____"
Kayla: Calls, fall.
Jack: "They're the world's most fearsome ____"
Kayla: I like the way that sounds.
Jack: "They're heroes in a half-shell and they're ____"
Jack: "Splinter taught them to be ____"
Erin: Cautious around rough wood.
Jack: OK, FINAL LIGHTNING ROUND OF SHOWS. Name the show and what you think it's about.
Kayla: Power Rangers.
Erin: OK, this is Transformers, Animal Edition.
Erin: This is Transformers, Robot Edition.
Kayla: This is Iron Robot.
Erin: This is Transformers, Shia LeBeouf Edition.
Tanner: These are all different shows.
Kayla: Star Wars.
Erin: This is Alloy Allies. They stay away from magnets, mostly.
Kayla: The Cosby Show.
Jack: OK, last one.
Kayla: This is beautifully colorful. It's def not Sailor Moon ...
Erin: OK YES I like this one. This is The Future. And in the future there are only women.
Kayla: And that one man on the right. But he's just there for bae reasons.
Erin: Yeah, that one guy with an arrow they use for reproduction. That's why he has an arrow. It's a ~symbol~.
Kayla: They fight together, and not each other, because feminism.
Erin: Hillary Clinton is the one in front.
Jack: This one is She-Ra. She and He-Man don't often meet, because he is from Eternia and she is from Etheria. It's sad, but they do I think briefly meet up in the She-Ra major motion picture.