Cupcakes that have too much or too little icing.Coffee that’s about to become lukewarm.Organic options at a restaurant.The smell of applesauce.When someone cracks their knuckles slowly and one at a time.Coconut water.Anything regarding the World Cup.The phrase “girl crush.”The word "bae."Getting a food craving immediately after you've brushed your teeth.When the fan is just too...noisy.People born in 1991.People who say, "We need más margaritas."Parades.Fireworks.Photos of Komodo dragons.Squeezing out too much lotion, and then having to wipe some on your pants.The word "surfbort."Crunchy peanut butter.People who correct you over trivial shit.Couples who read books together.Reality shows about Amish people.Company barbecues.When a lemon wedge doesn't have ~quite~ enough juice.Pulitzer Prize winners, in general.People who say they're going on a "Starbucks run."Trying to remember the security code on the back of a credit card.When Twitter is over capacity.Trying to figure out where to eat your lunch.When your morning stretch in bed isn't nearly as satisfying as you'd hoped.People who are trying to grow a beard.When someone catches you unbuttoning your pants because you ate too much.When there aren't enough toppings on your frozen yogurt, but you don't want to ask for more and look like a fatty.People who describe themselves as former fat kids.Baby red pandas, in general.When it's hot enough to feel warm, but not enough to actually sweat.When you can see someone's nipples through their shirt and have to try not to look.Jake Gyllenhaal's career.When someone types "BRB."Hyphenated last names.People who blink a lot.Anything served in a ceramic bowl.People who hate cats.Skinny jeans that are actually way too skinny.Actually, just the word "skinny."Zumba classes.Waiting in line for brunch.Making your own "jorts."Forgetting your lunch at home.Neil Patrick Harris.Living in Brooklyn.Swiping left when you should've swiped right.Complicated hashtags.Discarded banana peels.Sodas that you think are full that are actually empty.Running out of ketchup.French onion soup that has too little cheese.Summer colds.Cats that walk like horses.Sarah Paulson in "American Horror Story."Collars on shirts.D-list celebrity Kickstarter projects.Bathing suits that give you wedgies.Tom Hiddleston memes.The word "yaaass."Your bullshit.Ramen packages that don't have the chicken flavor packet in them.The heels on a loaf of bread.Red sneakers that are slightly faded and look pink.Jennifer Lopez looking content.Fox canceling shows.Dogs that are smaller than cats.People named "Madison."Jon Snow's whole life.Montage sequences of apple orchards.Trying to play Jenga and realizing there are some bricks missing.Men who wear bad wigs.Ice cream sandwiches that are too big.The movie "Love Actually."Ten dollar delivery charges.Anyone attending Bonnaroo.Yes or No questions.High heels after 15 minutes.Being bad at Crossfit.The fact that Crossfit exists."Game of Thrones" pickup lines.Beyoncé being better than you.Wine stains on your mouth that no one tells you about.Taking care of plants.Reply-all emails.A microwave that won't heat evenly.Meryl Streep winning things.When you can't fit an entire sushi roll in your mouth.Burritos falling apart in your hands.Getting ex-sexts at work.Running out of toilet paper.Having to reset your oven clock for Daylight Savings Time.Touching a towel that's still slightly wet.People who talk to you when you're trying to pee.People, in general.
How Totally Over This Shit Are You?
You have a pretty high tolerance for shit. I'm frankly amazed that you're not MORE over this shit. I'd envy you, if I weren't over how not over this shit you are.
You're on the EDGE, my friend. If you have to deal with any more of this shit, there are going to be problems. Like, maybe you suddenly find a lighter, and who knows what happens after that! It's America, anything is possible!
You are TOTALLY over this shit. The day, the time, the people, the things, the Starbucks options, even what you're reading right now. You're done. Time to go home, slip into a robe, and turn off the lights while you think about the choices you've made. Don't forget the whiskey, friend.