Hello, my name is Erin and I live in a small apartment in Queens, NY.
Recently I have found myself googling "celebrity mansions" and "really big giant houses" while I'm between posts at work.
Here are some questions that pop into my mind during these episodes. If you live in a giant house, please feel free to answer them in the comments (or invite me over for a slumber party):
1. How many lightbulbs do you need to light your house? Do you have to buy them in bulk? Do they come in packs of 12 that look like giant egg cartons?
2. What about chairs? You got a lot of chairs? I own five chairs. Could you name every chair you own off the top of your head? I can. One, two, three, and four are kitchen table chairs and five is that living room chair pictured above.
3. Do you ever go weeks without setting foot in a particular room? Do you find yourself rocking back and forth in a rocking chair on the front porch, squinting your eyes at the setting sun, and saying, "Oh yes. The third dining room! I haven't been there in weeks."
4. Do you ever literally forget a room exists? And then one day you take a weird route to the bathroom because the main hall is being repainted and you're like, "Oh yeah! I forgot this guest bedroom was here!" Is it exciting?
5. Speaking of guest bedrooms: Do you have so many that you can assign them to recurring guests? As in, "Oh, you can't sleep here. This is Jimmy Bob's room. No, he doesn't live here. It's just his room." And then you close the door without further explanation and people think Jimmy Bob is your infant son who died in a fishing accident.
6. Are there entire rooms you don't know what to do with so you just make shit up? Like, "This is our Limeberry room. It's a library of books that are either the colors lime or berry."
7. Does your furniture have to be in proportion to the size of the room? Do you have a couch as big as a van in there? How many people can fit on it? How many soccer teams can fit on it?
8. Do you get winded walking from one end of the house to the other? Do you wear a Fitbit? How many steps are you logging a day on average? Are your calves strong? You got big calves?
9. If you ran, how fast could you make it from one end of the house to the other? Are we talking a handful of seconds or literal minutes? Does the family member with the best time get to pick which flavor of caviar to eat for dinner? Does caviar have flavors?
10. Do you ever lose your cat?
11. If you leave your phone in a room that's really far away from the one that you're currently in, do you just give up and order a new one on Amazon Prime?
12. You know how they say that the minute they're done painting the Golden Gate Bridge they have to immediately start repainting it from the beginning because it took so long that it's already started rusting? Is that what it's like cleaning your place?
13. You have maids, right? Can you name all your maids by first and last name? Don't make them up.
14. Be honest: If someone very quiet and small was living inside your house, do you think you'd ever find out? How many quiet and small people do you estimate could live there before you caught on?
15. Do you ever sleep in a random room just so you get that momentary panic of not knowing where you are when you first wake up and then for a brief and glorious second you can pretend you're a character in a Liam Neeson film?