1. "I have the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from the Toronto zoo."
2. "I saw a sign that said 'Watch for children' and I thought, 'That sounds like a fair trade.'"
3. "It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally."
4. "A nurse finds a rectal thermometer in her pocket and thinks, 'Some asshole has my pen.'"
5. "What's the difference between a good joke and a bad joke timing."
6. "Am I the only one who realizes that blackboards are truly remarkable?"
7. "I haven’t slept for 10 days, because that would be too long."
8. "There are two types of people in the world: Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data."
9. "What if soy milk is just regular milk introducing itself in Spanish."
10. "Shout out to anyone wondering what the opposite of in is."
11. "I have an inferiority complex, but it's not a very good one."
12. "They all laughed when I said I wanted to be a comedian; well, they're not laughing now."
13. "There's no I in denial."
14. "This morning I was staring at my naked body in the mirror and thought 'I'm gonna get kicked out of this Ikea pretty soon.'"
15. "There's a fine line between hyphenated words."
16. "I was addicted to soap, but I'm clean now."
17. "The difference between a hippo and a Zippo is that one is heavy and the other is a little lighter."
18. "On the other hand, you have different fingers."
19. "I hate Russian dolls; they're so full of themselves."
20. "They call 'em fingers but I never seen them fing..."
21. "Velcro; what a rip-off!"
22. "This is my stepladder. I never knew my real ladder."
23. "I used to pee my pants every time I was in front of my third-grade class; ruined my teaching career."
Thumbnail image credits: JEWEL SAMAD / Getty and drbimages / Getty