Skip To Content
  • earthday badge

Our National Parks Are So Beautiful It Hurts My Feelings And We Absolutely Have To Protect Them

I can't live without these things.

OK, I'll be the first to admit America has made some questionable decisions in its past.

But there is one thing we got absolutely right. The National Park Service:

1. Our National Parks are so overwhelmingly stunning it makes me want to lay facedown on the floor and count backwards from ten.

2. I mean, just look at this hot spring. This hot spring looks like a place where unicorns go to get baptized.

3. And these Joshua trees! Have you ever seen anything like this that wasn't directed by James Cameron? This is real life, people!

4. Our parks are so beautiful if you speak ill of them, Bob Ross rises from the dead, rests him palm on your shoulder, and whispers, "No, friend."

5. Our mountains make the children from The Sound of Music stew with rage. "Why Papa?" they cry. "Why can't we have this mountain?"

6. Our rocks have modeling contracts. This rock walked in the Victoria Secret Fashion show. And afterward it had drinks with Heidi Klum.

7. I can't even look at this picture without growing a beard.

8. Ugh, this arch is so stupid. I love it. I love this stupid, amazing, gorgeous arch. I want to hug it. I want to invite it to my wedding.

9. These trees don't require rain to grow because everyone who makes eye contact with them bursts into tears. That's why they're so tall. The tears.

10. And this coastline is so pretty that anyone who visits it blacks out and writes a 20-line poem in the dirt with a stick. Scientists can't explain it.

11. I literally want to give birth here.

12. I look at this and I immediately want to scoop my own eyeballs out with a teaspoon so it will be the last thing I ever see.

13. I heard Ron Swanson has a full back tattoo of these hills, and now I want one.

14. I would sell my family to a witch so that she would turn me into a bird and I could live in this tree for the rest of my life.

15. If these rocks started a sorority, I would pledge. I would pay obscene amounts of money to be friends with these rocks.

16. I heard this volcano tried out for The Bachelor but the producers were like, "Sorry, you're too good looking. It wouldn't be fair."

17. Last week I literally wallpapered my entire apartment with pictures of this beach. And then I quit my job so I could see it more often.

18. I love these trees as much as I love my boyfriend.

19. I see this and I feel angry? But, like, happy? These Parks are the reason I'm in therapy.

20. Can you believe this is real??!??!?!?!??!?

21. IN CONCLUSION: These Parks are special and pure and good and I will lay my body down before anyone tries to hurt them. Goodnight.