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Our National Parks Are So Beautiful It Hurts My Feelings And We Absolutely Have To Protect Them

I can't live without these things.

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But there is one thing we got absolutely right. The National Park Service:

Stevenschremp / Getty Images

When you say your prayers at night don't forget to thank Daddy Roosevelt for this gift.


1. Our National Parks are so overwhelmingly stunning it makes me want to lay facedown on the floor and count backwards from ten.

3. And these Joshua trees! Have you ever seen anything like this that wasn't directed by James Cameron? This is real life, people!

4. Our parks are so beautiful if you speak ill of them, Bob Ross rises from the dead, rests him palm on your shoulder, and whispers, "No, friend."

5. Our mountains make the children from The Sound of Music stew with rage. "Why Papa?" they cry. "Why can't we have this mountain?"


6. Our rocks have modeling contracts. This rock walked in the Victoria Secret Fashion show. And afterward it had drinks with Heidi Klum.

8. Ugh, this arch is so stupid. I love it. I love this stupid, amazing, gorgeous arch. I want to hug it. I want to invite it to my wedding.

9. These trees don't require rain to grow because everyone who makes eye contact with them bursts into tears. That's why they're so tall. The tears.

10. And this coastline is so pretty that anyone who visits it blacks out and writes a 20-line poem in the dirt with a stick. Scientists can't explain it.


12. I look at this and I immediately want to scoop my own eyeballs out with a teaspoon so it will be the last thing I ever see.

14. I would sell my family to a witch so that she would turn me into a bird and I could live in this tree for the rest of my life.


16. I heard this volcano tried out for The Bachelor but the producers were like, "Sorry, you're too good looking. It wouldn't be fair."

17. Last week I literally wallpapered my entire apartment with pictures of this beach. And then I quit my job so I could see it more often.

21. IN CONCLUSION: These Parks are special and pure and good and I will lay my body down before anyone tries to hurt them. Goodnight.


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