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Posted on Apr 22, 2018

The Weirdest College Mascots, Ranked By How Nervous They Make Me Feel

Please no.

23. Big Red — Western Kentucky University

Ed Zurga / Stringer

Yeah, I'm pretty calm looking at Big Red. He looks like he was made from Santa's magic bag. I trust him. He has kind eyes.

22. Sammy the Slug — UC Santa Cruz

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Sammy the Slug does not make me nervous. He seems like the kind of dude you could really go on a road trip with and he'd always change the radio station when the commercials came on.

21. Gaylord the Camel — Campbell University

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Gaylord seems pretty chill. I feel largely confident that he's never murdered a man in cold blood in the back of a Chevy Impala. He probably has a 401K.

20. Saluki — Southern Illinois University

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I would not necessarily offer to split a cab with Saluki having just met him at the airport, but I also think his criminal record is probably very boring to read.

19. Rocky the Rocket — University of Toledo

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Rocky seems fine, but I am momentarily distrustful because I can't see his eyes. Does he even HAVE eyes? Maybe lasers? Maybe just two dried up raisins? Who's to say!

18. The Gorlok — Webster University

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What—how—is a Gorlok? Does it eat people? Hmm...

17. Cobber — Concordia College

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Vegetables shouldn't be intimidating. Michelle Obama!!! Do something about this!!!

16. Stanford Tree — Stanford University

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If I saw this tree in a dark alley I would loudly announce I was late for an appointment and walk the other way.

15. Speedy the Geoduck — Evergreen State University

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Geoducks are the animal that most closely resembles a dismembered penis, so — yeah — I don't exactly feel safe right now. But I'm very confident I could outrun him.

14. The Ichabod — Washburn University

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This mascot is just a man. A man with felt for skin and dull, empty hole where his heart should be.

13. Pete the Peacock — Upper Iowa University

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Yeah, this is where my palms start to sweat. Is he hugging that woman or slowly forcing the air out of her lungs so he use her bones to build a peacock nest? Do peacocks build nests? Probably not — but how can I be sure.

12. Artie the Artichoke — Scottsdale Community College

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If you told me this artichoke crazy-stabbed a Canadian goose to death I would 100% believe you.

11. The Boll Weevil — University of Arkansas at Monticello

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Congratulations University of Arkansas at Monticello, I am officially Nervous™️.

10. The Fighting Pickle — UNC School of the Arts

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I've seen enough cartoons and weird parts of the internet to know that mask means this pickle is UP TO NO GOOD. Please stop brandishing that paintbrush at me!!! I have a family!!!

9. Lil' Red — University of Nebraska

Brian Bahr / Getty Images

He looks like a boy but his knees bend like a crane. WHAT ARE YOU AND CAN YOU LAY EGGS?

8. Mr. Okra — Delta State University

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I'm pretty sure this is Bert from Sesame Street's real dad. And I'm pretty sure he ate Bert's real mom.

7. Purdue Pete — Purdue University

Jamie Squire / Getty Images

Want to know the exact thing we DON'T need? A plastic-faced Michael Meyers wanna-be that comes with his own weapon wandering around at sporting events. Thanks anyway!!!

6. Izzy the Islander — Texas A&M Corpus Christi

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DEMON! DEMON! DEMON! DEMON! *takes a breath* DEMON! DEMON! DEMON! DEMON!

5. The Friar — Providence College

Joe Robbins / Getty Images

Oh absolutely NOT. His mouth says "party time" but his eyes say "I have seen hell and it is our existence here on earth." I AM GETTIN' PRETTY NERVOUS.

4. The Blue Blob — Xavier University

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Is this literally Grover's left nut? Get it away from that child! I am making a citizen's arrest.

3. The Billiken — St. Louis University

Doug Pensinger / Getty Images

EWWWWWWWW. This is the first time I've ever seen this thing and yet I've somehow had nightmares about it my entire life. It makes me feel cold everywhere, like I drank a slushy too fast in an air conditioned room.

2. Oski the "Bear" — UC Berkeley

Ethan Miller / Getty Images

NO. Why does this remind me of my least favorite uncle for reasons I can't seem to articulate? Stop POINTING at me with those death gloves. I HATE YOUR CARDIGAN, UNCLE DAVE.

1. Cayenne — University of Louisiana at Lafayette

Jamie Squire / Getty Images

Is this a mascot or an evil frat dude with a 3rd degree sunburn from a '80s teen movie? Those nose slits alone make my want to find a panic room. I can't look directly into his pepperoni eyes. I am the most nervous.

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