Quiz: What Kind Of Turkey Should You Buy For Thanksgiving?

All-natural, organic, heritage, kosher — WTF, there are SO MANY OPTIONS. We’ll tell you what to buy.

  1. 1. How much money do you want to spend?

    1. Very little. I don’t care if it is full of chemicals. So are Doritos and they’re delicious.
    2. One small step up from cheapest turkey because I don’t want to eat antibiotics.
    3. I’ll spend a little extra because I care about the earth.
    4. I want the best-tasting, most socially responsible turkey money can buy.
  2. 2. How much do you care that your turkey was a happy turkey?
    1. It’s a stupid bird. Who cares.
    2. I guess I care. Unless that costs me moneys. Then I don’t care.
    3. I care but still don’t want to spend a TON of money.
    4. I want a bird that had a really nice life and died happily ever after.
  3. 3. How likely is it that you'll remember to thaw your turkey a few days before Thanksgiving?
    1. Uhhhhhhhh, there’s no way.
    2. Of course I’ll remember. WTF. This isn’t my first rodeo.
    3. I’d remember, but who buys a frozen turkey? Gross.
  4. 4. Are you going to brine your turkey?
    1. Duh. Isn’t that what all the cool kids do?
    2. Isn’t that a messy hassle? No.
    3. WTF is brine?
  5. 5. Will your guests eat more dark or white meat?
    1. We are Breast people. And we are proud.
    2. Dark meat is the ONLY meat.
    3. Hard to know because all the meat disappears in seconds. *Hair toss*
    4. I don’t care tell me how to buy the cheapest turkey.
  6. 6. Are your guests likely to ask you where you got your turkey?
    1. Yes, and I’ll brag that it was inexpensive but still tastes so good.
    2. Maybe. If so, I’d like to be able to answer in a way that makes everyone feel good about what they’re eating.
    3. We will be drunk. That’s a stupid question.
    4. Irrelevant: I will be handing out brochures on its superior heirloom origins and flavor regardless.

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