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Quiz: What Kind Of Turkey Should You Buy For Thanksgiving?

All-natural, organic, heritage, kosher — WTF, there are SO MANY OPTIONS. We'll tell you what to buy.

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  1. 1. How much money do you want to spend?

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    Very little. I don't care if it is full of chemicals. So are Doritos and they're delicious.
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    One small step up from cheapest turkey because I don't want to eat antibiotics.
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    I'll spend a little extra because I care about the earth.
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    I want the best-tasting, most socially responsible turkey money can buy.
  2. 2. How much do you care that your turkey was a happy turkey?

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    It's a stupid bird. Who cares.
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    I guess I care. Unless that costs me moneys. Then I don't care.
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    I care but still don't want to spend a TON of money.
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    I want a bird that had a really nice life and died happily ever after.
  3. 3. How likely is it that you'll remember to thaw your turkey a few days before Thanksgiving?

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    Uhhhhhhhh, there's no way.
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    Of course I'll remember. WTF. This isn't my first rodeo.
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    I'd remember, but who buys a frozen turkey? Gross.
  4. 4. Are you going to brine your turkey?

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    Duh. Isn't that what all the cool kids do?
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    Isn't that a messy hassle? No.
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    WTF is brine?
  5. 5. Will your guests eat more dark or white meat?

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    We are Breast people. And we are proud.
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    Dark meat is the ONLY meat.
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    Hard to know because all the meat disappears in seconds. *Hair toss*
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    I don't care tell me how to buy the cheapest turkey.
  6. 6. Are your guests likely to ask you where you got your turkey?

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    Yes, and I'll brag that it was inexpensive but still tastes so good.
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    Maybe. If so, I'd like to be able to answer in a way that makes everyone feel good about what they're eating.
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    We will be drunk. That's a stupid question.
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    Irrelevant: I will be handing out brochures on its superior heirloom origins and flavor regardless.
John Gara

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