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1.A pair of knee socks for anyone who feels like they're literally being eaten alive every time they talk to relatives on the phone.
2.A plush heart with the face of someone who just said "I love you" and got an "aw" back — so basically this toy will really be able to relate to your friend. Just let them hug it out.
3.A metallic hip flask that'll discreetly come to the rescue when they cannot BEAR to soberly tell their aunt that yes, they are still single. No, they have not made eye contact with a possible candidate since 2005. LET'S MOVE ON.
4.A brain or crystal ball pin, because if they're not already actively repressing an awkward memory they should see another one coming.
5.An uninviting mug for making them feel pretty great about successfully avoiding human contact. The only time they want to get a text at 3 a.m. is when pizza is on the way.
6.A pack of work-related affirmation cards so they have words of encouragement every time they think they'd rather just quit than go to another "encouraged" happy hour.
7.A stress ball that'll help them emit every feeling felt when asked to do a group presentation.
8.A set of oversized sunglasses, because these are essential for them to successfully avoid eye contact — even on the subway. Wow the ceiling is so interesting...
9.An iridescent snitch spinner for giving them something to do with their hands when the conversation *gets away* from them. Maybe they'll run into some magic and actually come up with something to say.
10.A cat onesie to give them a huge, cuddly hug at the end of the day when it seems like the world just isn't feline them. WE WILL ALWAYS LOVE THEM, AWKWARD AND ALL.
11.A Bob Ross bobblehead figure who can say ten different famous quotes so they feel better about all of their happy little accidents. They should probably keep this at their desk so it's always ~on hand~ when they hit "reply all".
13.A leather coin purse that'll give them a quick, easy-to-reach place to throw their change when paying at a cashier. No more, "THERE IS ONE PERSON BEHIND ME, I BETTER START PANICKING" the minute they get the receipt.
14.A contemplative phone case to reflect exactly what your friend is going through as they decide whether to text their crush "hi" or "hello." Decisions....
15.A sloth coloring book, because this'll make them slow down and de-stress after a hard day of failed interactions. Will they find this therapeutic after calling their boss "mom"? Yes.
16.A helpful sound button for stopping them in their tracks every time they start to say "you too" to the waiter. They really need you to save them from themselves.
17.A dino food holder so they know they're allowed to be an awko taco for the rest of their lives. Unfortunately, the memories will never go extinct.
18.A helpful book that'll give them a list of crafts to do with their cat, who ironically probably judges them the most. Still better than dealing with people.
19.A 3D pug sticker, because this'll be all too relatable for people who make ~entering~ a conversation way weirder than it has to be.
20.A set of prescription shot glasses for giving them the medicine they so desperately need every time they try to sing along to Despacito.
21.A boyfriend body pillow so they have something better than the real thing, because they won't have to talk to it now or ever. AND they can call little spoon every night. Humans don't do that.
22.A set of sticky notes that'll allow them to avoid IRL conversations and just slip coworkers one of these, instead. "FYI, sorry I said your baby looks like a baked potato."
23.An honest T-shirt, because we're starting to notice a pattern every time our dear friend arrives. Why did they just ask the doorman if they come here often?!
24.A pair of unicorn slippers for giving them something as magical as coming home after a long day of smiling and nodding. SWEET RELIEF.
25.An uncomfortable calendar to make them feel better about their own family — or maybe they have even worse pictures IDK.
26.A mini planter so both this awkward turtle and yours will learn to grow together.
27.A graphic cap that'll make sure the perfect excuse is already *on their mind* the next time someone asks if they're free this Friday. THINK FAST.
28.A dramatic pen holder, because every "tell me about your weekend!" is like a stab to their heart. It's also a great stress reliever when they're too afraid to ask Jan from accounting to leave the A.C. ALONE.
30.A pair of custom dog socks that'll give them something comforting (and ADORABLE) to gaze at whilst staring at their feet all day. There's no place like home, especially when that means your dog and no people.
31.An iron-on patch, because hopefully this will give them a daily reminder to THINK before speaking. Maybe the next time they're about to ask their date if they shower a lot, they'll stop themselves.
32.A Tina Belcher sticker for an infallible pickup line from the queen of awkward herself that they can trust will work, sweaty palms be damned.
33.A doge coin purse so they'll have someone to join them in giving people the side eye when they ask to sit next to them on the train.
When someone asks them an extremely simple question:
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