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1.A fleece blanket with sleeves that'll reward them for successfully avoiding humans and staying single all this time. No blanket hogs = no cold arms.
2.A Slytherin pom-pom beanie for letting them proudly display their obvious house. They're not snobby, they're selective. But they may hiss at you in parseltongue.
4.A plush sloth headrest, because they'll be ~slow~ to leave this safe cocoon when escaping from the constant chattering of people on the train. Everyone be QUIET.
5.A jumbo stress relief toy that'll come to the rescue when everyone in the whole world seems to *succ*. Just tell them to squeeze and repeat.
6.A pair of oversized sunglasses for giving them a way to hide from public in plain sight, aka when they see someone from high school. RUN.
7.A friendly patch so people have fair warning before even approaching your sociable loved one. RBF is very intentional for them.
8.A handy notepad, because being passive aggressive just isn't cutting it for them anymore. It's time to be direct — Steve from accounting CANNOT keep sneezing that loudly.
9.A subscription to Winc that'll deliver very important adult juice right to their door on a monthly basis. They'll be thanking you when they have vino to undo their whole day of listening to their grad teacher say their name wrong.
10.And! An attachable wine cupholder for encouraging them to down said vino in a relaxing bath after being *drained* from a long day of unnecessary interactions.
11.A pair of heartwarming pins so you can bask in the true meaning of friendship — the ability to complain about everyone else in life. Who needs more than one friend, anyway?
12.A necessary lunch tote, because if Clark "accidentally" takes their leftovers ONE MORE TIME there will be hell to pay. It's also very effective for dissuading people from asking your friend to join them in the cafeteria.
13.A pair of ~cheeky~ underwear that'll let them know you love them, even when they plot to destroy everyone's Christmas and steal their trees. Aren't they adorable when they're mad?
14.A dishwasher magnet for giving them a cute, non-aggressive way to tell their roommate that dishes don't unload themselves. Despite what it seems, bowls don't grow legs and climb back to their shelf.
15.A comforting coloring book to remind them it could be a lot worse — they could be a T-Rex who's supposed to be extinct, but is instead working at a library where they can't reach anything anyway, due to tragically short arms.
16.A cuddly poop pillow who won't give a sh*t when your friend comes home only to cry to it every night about the bull crap everyone puts them through.
17.A heat sensitive, color-changing mug with a powerful reminder so they can stop themselves from changing their name and fleeing the country before even finishing their first cup of coffee.
18.A pair of wireless bluetooth headphones, because these'll block out the sounds of random people on the train crying to their phone about trash boyfriends. HE DOESN'T LOVE YOU, SANDRA. HANG UP.
19.A blunt T-shirt that'll stop people in their tracks when approaching your friend to hit on them at the bar. Please stop this. They'll never leave their home again.
20.A cell phone desk stand holder for making it easier for them to text you all day with updates about how infuriatingly loud their cubicle mate breathes.
21.A hospitable doormat so they can keep small talk to a minimum — the faster random people leave, the better.
22.A BFF velvet pillow set, because they'll rest easy at night knowing there's at least one person in the world who gets them: YOU! Be honored you won them over.
23.A stylish flask that'll stay attached to their *hip* the next time they force themselves to attend a party. Who are these people? Why are they so loud?
24.A pair of silicone ear plugs for a) drowning out their "unbearably loud" roommate at night, and b) avoiding any chance of them becoming any more tired/irritable than usual. The more well-rested the better.
25.A set of A'Pieu eye masks so they can literally release some *steam* after a long, long day of teaching their mom how to make a screenshot. JUST PRESS THE TWO BUTTONS. NO. AT THE SAME TIME.
26.A gilded Grimhilde crossbody bag, because they understand where Disney villains are coming from. Imagine your own MIRROR telling you that you're not that pretty? So rude.
27.A pair of truthful socks that'll explain all those times they wouldn't come down for dinner. They knew their parents were lying about it "being ready." YOU JUST WANT ME TO SET THE TABLE.
28.A relatable sweatshirt for letting random passersby on the street know that they *will* pet their dogs without asking, and they *won't* make any human eye contact. Thank you, next.
29.A Festivus celebration kit so they can finally share their grievances loud and clear. This is the real meaning of holiday spirit.
30.An insightful phone case, because you just KNOW they're going through unwelcome texts and judging. Even worse is when they scroll through their Instagram — "oh look, another engagement shoot. Mute."
31.A much-needed stamp that'll put classmates in their place when they try to only do ONE powerpoint slide. They need to invite everyone in their group projects to their funeral, so that they can let them down one more time.
32.A warning cap for giving them a way to let people on the subway know that they need to BACK OFF. They really don't care if there isn't any room.