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1.A blind spot mirror, because you'll suddenly become the MASTER of parallel parking — aka that thing we only correctly did once during our driver's test. Your friends are in the back, they won't know your secrets.
2.A Maybelline metallic highlighter that'll make it seem like you live full-time in golden hour thanks to its incredibly pigmented formula. All it takes is a swipe for this to pop — but to the rest of the world you are a perfect Instagram filter IRL.
3.An Echo Dot so you can literally have someone else tell you the news, play music, send messages, make calls, read audiobooks, WHATEVER, and still give you all the credit. You're basically the Wizard of Oz.
4.A bamboo sushi roller for presenting surprisingly fancy dinners to your guests. In fact, this makes preparing sushi so easy, you can do it right in front of 'em as PROOF.
5.An LED ring light, because the art of selfies is a tough thing to conquer, but this makes it all happen in a snap. Luckily you don't have to share those 100+ likes with it.
6.A set of press-on nail art that'll lead people to ask "where did you get those done?" And then you can bask in their awe when you tell them you did them yourself. Humblebragger? Who me?!
7.A bullet journal so even if you complete your tasks, you'll still get major credit for how well you drew them out. Your Instagram followers won't ask for a follow-up after your fancy motivation post, I PROMISE.
8.A bun maker for letting people believe you keep your hair in tip top shape every darn day. Did we really wake up five minutes before work? None of your business.
9.A set of resistance bands, because these will make you look athletic AF no matter how long you use them. Two minutes? More than enough time in my opinion.
10.An Instant Pot that'll cook you top-notch, Ina Garten-level meals after you simply dump all the ingredients in before leaving for work. Honestly, I think our parents have been using this trick for years.
11.A Rubik's cube keychain so your superior problem-solving skills are always on display. Feel free to leave this already "solved." I'll keep that between the two of us.
12.A pack of pimple patches for wowing the hell out of your roommates when you show them a magic trick: making your zit disappear overnight. I now pronounce you a licensed dermatologist.
13.A set of faux succulents, because these'll look so real no one will ever question whether or not you're capable of watering plants. Which is....debatable. But unknown.
14.A winged eyeliner stamp that'll create the most perfect, *kisses fingers* cat eyes you could ever hope to draw yourself. But we all know how that usually goes...better to have people wondering how you ~wing it~ so damn well.
15.An all-purpose cleaner so your guests are truly awe-struck at how spotless you keep your home. This won't allow a scratch in sight — even if you totally make a ridiculous amount of messes and rough everything up. Everything will be undone before the doorbell rings.
16.A ravioli maker for possibly giving Giada a run for her money. Not that we want a contest. At all. Please don't ask us to prove our cooking abilities.
17.An adult coloring book, because not only will these masterpieces totally be guided, but they can be hung up on the wall for all to admire. Just call us Picasso — if he had needed to paint within lines.
18.A dermaplaning tool that'll quickly touch up eyebrows and peach fuzz with just the flick of the wrist. Your eyebrows are now twin sisters and people's hairs are raised.
20.An attachable wine aerator for upgrading your cheap wine right out of the bottle thanks to its ability to infuse oxygen and release its ~aromas~. Be sure to explain it just like this while convincing the room you're a sommelier.
21.A packing organizer, because who but a travel expert would know to transfer items from their suitcase RIGHT to the closet?! Change our name to Atlas, because we run the world.
23.An ergonomic jar opener so you can always save the day when someone can't open the #*!$@ pickle jar. Crisis averted, and a hero is born.
24.A portable razor for *shaving* time in half when you're getting ready — therefore never being late. Are you just really punctual or sprucing up in the cab?
25.A handheld spiralizer, because zucchini noodles are freaking impressive and people will be frankly shook that someone is capable of bringing such trendy meals to work *without* a delivery charge.
26.A bottle of Verb dry conditioner that won't punish you for not washing your hair for...how many days now? Doesn't matter. You'll get your ~shine~ on the daily— AND pull off sleek updo's courtesy of its styling ability. Will everyone think you're a hair whiz? You know what, let 'em.
27.A Cuisinart frittata pan set so flipping those dang omelettes doesn't feel like mission impossible anymore. Don't let yourself watch your dreams ~crumble~. You deserve better.
28.A Remington ceramic curling wand for having only good hair days and creating beach-like waves with little to no effort. Its easy-to-use design makes it possible for just about anyone to confidently *handle* styling their hair.
29.A handheld PAC-MAN arcade game, because personally I can't think of a more valuable skill than breaking everyone's highest score. Of course we've had years of practice, but that's beside the point.
My skills include finishing my own box of pizza...using up all my data....staying in bed for 24 hours....shall I continue?
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