I Watched "The Bachelor" Last Night So You Didn't Have To — Here's All The Drama You Missed

Here's hoping Victoria goes home next week so the REAL villain can emerge.

HELLOOOO, Bach Nation! Welcome to your second installment of "Bach in a Bite: The Official Bachelor Recap."

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In case you missed last week's premiere, you can catch up in a jiffy here.

Now, this isn't meant to be a two-hour affair, so let's jump right in, shall we?

Right off the bat, no shade to Clare/Tayshia, but Matt James' season has ALREADY got me hooked. I'm saying, not ONCE did I look at my watch to see how much time was left in the episode.

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I mean, why look at my watch when this is on my screen?

Three minutes in and Queen Victoria is starting drama before the women have even moved into their new digs:

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The first one-on-one date goes to Bri and involves these bike–car–four-wheeler things, which LOOK dangerous, but to each their own...

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ALSO, since we're still in a pandemic, all of the dates are taking place on the Nemacolin estate, which means the girls can see when Matt is on a date with one of his lady-suitors. CANNOT WAIT FOR THE DRAMA THIS IS GONNA START!!

While Matt and Bri are on their one-on-one, Victoria is back at the mansion...Victoria-ing:

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All the girls are tryna be copacetic and get along, while Victoria is out here insisting that this isn't "America's Next Top Best Friend."

*Record scratch* WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT DANGER!!!

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I would demand that the producers reimburse me for the outfit they just ruined.

Aww, this was cute:

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My Nigerian mother would sue.

BUT despite their brush with death, Bri and Matt had an amazing date where they got ~emotional~ and ~deep~, which resulted in Bri taking home a rose!

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Matt and Bri bonded over being raised by single mothers and wanting big families to make up for the one they didn't have growing up.

Another day, another date! This time it's a group date with 18 of the lady-suitors...including Victoria:

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This woman had Matt remove a garter from her thigh in the middle of a group date. Say what you wanna say about her...but the girl's got moxie.

However, the nuptial bliss turned into a game of "Capture the Heart," which seems like a mashup of flag football, paintball, and capture the flag — AKA MESS!

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The red team (which included Victoria) won, and to the victors go the spoils. Yellow team had to walk home, while red team went to a cocktail party with Matt:

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However, it was Lauren who TRULY won the spoils, since she got the date-night rose:

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Good for her!

Time for the second one-on-one date, which went to Sarah. It involved flying in a plane — again, DANGEROUS — but thankfully, no one took a tumble on this one-on-one:

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Sarah had a hard time opening up, but she finally did, and she shared that her father has Lou Gehrig's disease. I don't think I'm exaggerating when I say that Matt had the BEST. RESPONSE. POSSIBLE!!

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Like, I know the bar is basically on the floor for men, but Matt still hopped over it!

So, going into the cocktail party, Sarah, Lauren, and Bri have roses! Yay! But even MORE women have yet to spend time with Matt this evening, so they're looking to do that...until Victoria starts her drama once again:

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Queen V threw Marylynn under the bus. I know we don't see EVERYTHING that goes on, but, like, really?

Matt has a ZERO TOLERANCE policy when it comes to bullying!

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"Victoria hasn't held back anything from me, so why would she make something like this up?" OH, MATT JAMES, YOU INNOCENT ANGEL!

The remainder of the cocktail party was overtaken by the Victoria-Marylynn drama, which resulted in the rose ceremony starting before everyone had a chance to talk with Matt:

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*Suspenseful music.*

Before we found out who went home, Sarah legit FAINTED! AND THEN IT ENDED ON A CLIFFHANGER!!

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Hoping that it's nothing serious!!

Aaaannnnd, that's what you missed! Tune in next week — and the rest of the season — for the roses, the thorns, and everything in between!