HELLOOOO, Bach Nation! Welcome to your second installment of "Bach in a Bite: The Official Bachelor Recap."
Now, this isn't meant to be a two-hour affair, so let's jump right in, shall we?
Right off the bat, no shade to Clare/Tayshia, but Matt James' season has ALREADY got me hooked. I'm saying, not ONCE did I look at my watch to see how much time was left in the episode.
Three minutes in and Queen Victoria is starting drama before the women have even moved into their new digs:
The first one-on-one date goes to Bri and involves these bike–car–four-wheeler things, which LOOK dangerous, but to each their own...
While Matt and Bri are on their one-on-one, Victoria is back at the mansion...Victoria-ing:
*Record scratch* WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT DANGER!!!
Aww, this was cute:
BUT despite their brush with death, Bri and Matt had an amazing date where they got ~emotional~ and ~deep~, which resulted in Bri taking home a rose!
Another day, another date! This time it's a group date with 18 of the lady-suitors...including Victoria:
However, the nuptial bliss turned into a game of "Capture the Heart," which seems like a mashup of flag football, paintball, and capture the flag — AKA MESS!
The red team (which included Victoria) won, and to the victors go the spoils. Yellow team had to walk home, while red team went to a cocktail party with Matt:
However, it was Lauren who TRULY won the spoils, since she got the date-night rose:
Time for the second one-on-one date, which went to Sarah. It involved flying in a plane — again, DANGEROUS — but thankfully, no one took a tumble on this one-on-one:
Sarah had a hard time opening up, but she finally did, and she shared that her father has Lou Gehrig's disease. I don't think I'm exaggerating when I say that Matt had the BEST. RESPONSE. POSSIBLE!!
So, going into the cocktail party, Sarah, Lauren, and Bri have roses! Yay! But even MORE women have yet to spend time with Matt this evening, so they're looking to do that...until Victoria starts her drama once again:
Matt has a ZERO TOLERANCE policy when it comes to bullying!
The remainder of the cocktail party was overtaken by the Victoria-Marylynn drama, which resulted in the rose ceremony starting before everyone had a chance to talk with Matt:
Before we found out who went home, Sarah legit FAINTED! AND THEN IT ENDED ON A CLIFFHANGER!!
Aaaannnnd, that's what you missed! Tune in next week — and the rest of the season — for the roses, the thorns, and everything in between!
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