"The Bachelor" Premiered Last Night, And Here's All The Tea That You Missed

And that's what you missed on Bach!

HELLOOOO, Bach Nation! Welcome to your first installment of "Bach in a Bite: The Official Bachelor Recap."

ABC

Long time no see, eh?? I'm kidding. It's been like 30 seconds since Clare/Tayshia's season, but I am READY to dive back into the mess of the Bachelor Cinematic Universe.

Now, I'm not tryna be like the two-hour premiere, so let's dive right in, shall we?

The season starts off with Chris Harrison introducing our very FIRST Black Bachelor — the FBB™ for short — Matt James. Not only is he our FBB, but he's also a FRESH FACE! Never before seen in the BCU*, but I don't think I'm going out on a limb when I say that we're ALL ready for a fresh start.

ABC

*ICYMI, Matt James is best friends with Tyler Cameron from Hannah B.'s season. So he's not 100% new, but he hasn't appeared on The Bachelor, The Bachelorette, Bachelor in Paradise, or The Bachelor Winter Games.

Already, these ladies are TOP TIER! We have a professional ballerina, a PhD candidate from Ethiopia, a runway model, an attorney, oh my!

ABC

Before Matt could meet his ladies, he sat down with Chris to talk about his nerves and the pressure he's feeling as the FBB and having never been a part of this brouhaha. But Chris assured him that, so long as Matt ~trusts the process~, he'll find his wife.

ABC

FINALLY, though, the procession begins, and there were some ladies who stood out, to say the least.

Khaylah brought a taste of home — North Carolina — in the form of a truck that Matt seemed to really appreciate:

ABC

Kaili showed up in lingerie because she wanted Matt to pick her outfit:

ABC

Katie brought a dildo, aka the "torch," to pass along to Matt...but then she took it back because she said she'll be needing it now that she's gotten a look at him:

ABC

And Victoria...presented herself:

ABC

*Record scratch* THIS IS WHERE THEY'RE STAYING?? Move over La Quinta:

ABC

Clare/Tayshia are shaking.

Bach to the scheduled programming — Matt's hit it off with a lot of women, especially Abigail, who takes home the FIRST IMPRESSION ROSE™:

ABC

But this is The Bachelor, after all, so there has to be mess, which comes in the form of Queen Victoria and Kit, two big personalities who are already clashing on night one:

ABC

I cannot wait for their inevitable two-on-one date.

Sadly, some women had to go home the first night: Alicia, Carolyn, Emani, Amber, Casandra, Corrine, Kimberly, and Saneh the GOAT. A fallen petal for each of our fallen lady-suitors:

Walt Disney Studios

Aaaannnnd, that's what you missed! Tune in next week — and the rest of the season — for the roses, the thorns, and everything in between*!

ABC

*And hopefully Tyler C. because it's what we ALL deserve.