Hello and welcome to another episode of, "The trials and tribulations of being a straight woman." Today, we're discussing the downsides of hetero sex.
Reddit user u/Pity-Pinoy broached an important topic when they asked women on the platform to share "the dumbest thing" a guy has ever said to them after sex. Here are the most gobsmacking replies:
1. "I have a tattoo of the world on my back. This guy was banging me doggy style and pulled out to cum on my back. He then exclaimed, 'Whoa, there’s a tsunami in Australia!' I fell on my face laughing so hard."
3. "I gave a dude a blowjob, and apparently he’d never cum from one before (who knows if that was true). Anyway, after he goes, 'Oh my god. That was amazing. I thought there was something wrong with me. You need to have daughters.'"
4. "After he finished too quickly, he said, 'Whoopsie daisy!'"
5. "He told me, with all the sincerity in the world, 'You would make a great single mother.'"
6. "I've said a lot of stupid shit. The worst was probably, 'Do you like egg sandwiches?'"
7. “He said, 'Mind if I hit this?' and then he pulled out a vape pen he’d hidden under the bed. My bed. Specifically for this reason."
8. "I had sex with a guy I dated for a few months, and afterward he said, 'Your vagina is smaller than other vaginas I’ve had sex with.' I wasn’t sure if it was a compliment, criticism, or a mere observation."
9. "I was snuggling with my boyfriend in the afterglow, and I looked up at him and asked, 'What are you thinking about?' — thinking he would say something sweet. This bitch dead-ass looks down at me and says, 'Mud flaps.'"
10. "'Hey, don't tell anyone about last night. I get enough shit for being vegan.' A phrase that has stuck with me for 10-plus years. Not so much 'dumb' as it is cruel."
11. "'OK, are we done?' I guess he was too afraid to ask whether or not I came, and that was his way of doing it."
12. "He didn’t say it, but afterward he grabbed his phone and went on a tracking app and tracked that he had sex that day."
13. "Cuddling in the afterglow, he's gazing adoringly at my nude body, and whispers...'I've just never seen boobs as small as yours.'"
14. "My partner will sometimes slap my ass afterward and say, 'Good game!'"
15. "Dude tried to give me a compliment by saying I have 'plump pussy lips.' Dude did not realize that was borderline weird to say."
16. "I was cuddling a guy after sex one time, and he told me he was 'leaking testosterone all over me.'"
17. "After sex, my guy collapsed on top of me. When he pulled back, our sweaty chests somehow made a small suction squelch noise. His romantic next words? 'Hehehe boob farts.'"
18. And finally, "I think I miss my ex."
Note: Some submissions have been edited for length and/or clarity.