This Is What It’s Like To Watch “Harry Potter And The Goblet Of Fire” For The First Time
The one where everyone needs a haircut.
Harry Potter and the Super Dark Title Card.
The film opens with Harry dreaming about the Doctor, who seems to be talking to 8-pound, 6-ounce baby Voldemort.
Harry is woken by the pressing need for a haircut.
Hermione then wakes up Ron, who rushes to cover his ghastly vest.
They meet up with Amos Diggory and his son, Cedric, who was hiding in a tree for some reason.
"It's Harry. Harry Potter."
They find what they were looking for. It's a boot.
Turns out the boot is something called a Portkey, which is like public transport but for wizards.
The boot takes them to the Quidditch World Cup.
Luscious Locks is also there with Draco Hair Gel, handing out sick burns.
There is a tournament. Harry is knocked out for plot reasons. He wakes up to find it's all gone a bit "Earth Song".
David Tennant is there, showing off his excellent teeth.
On the train, Harry bumps into a regulation hottie.
Harry shows her his blue steel.
Hermione tells Harry he should write to Sirius, to tell him about all the rhyming and what not.
Sure, I'll write him a letter. And put his name right on the front. It's not as if he's a fugitive or anything.
Gambondore welcomes everyone to a new school year.
"Ah yes. I'm positively ecstatic to announce Mr Filch's running club."
Turns out Hogwarts is playing host to the Triwizard Tournament this year.
The ladies from Beauxbatons Academy announce their arrival with dance.
The camera lingers on this shot for some reason.
Then the boys from the Durmstrang Institute turn up with their big staffs, making everyone feel inadequate.
"Did someone say Biggerstaff?"
Hermione is more of a fan of this turn of events.
Then this chap shows up. His name is Mad-Eye Moody.
Mr Crouch explains the new rules about the Triwizard Tournament.
This causes uproar, so Gambondore puts on an enunciation master class.
And then introduces the Goblet of Fire.
Moody explains that there are three Unforgivable Curses, and asks if anyone knows why they are called that.
Using a spider-crab thing as a test subject, he demonstrates the Imperious Curse, which allows you to control someone else.
Next, the Cruciatus Curse, which is used to torture.
And finally the Killing Curse.
Once everyone has put their names in the Goblet, it's time for the Goblet to choose three names.
Viktor Krum, obvs.
Hermione has noticed his generally impressive chest area.
Second name out of the Goblet is Fleur Delacour.
And finally, CedDig.
The Goblet spits out Harry's name. Gambondore is pissed.
"We have to let him compete."
After Harry writes to tell his Sirius about the tournament, Sirius speaks to Harry through a fireplace.
Ron isn't talking to Harry for plot reasons. Hermione acts as a go-between.
"Yeah? Well, tell Ron he needs a haircut."
Ron doesn't understand that it's hard to look tough while wearing not one, but two shit sweaters.
Giant Robbie Coltrane tells Harry that the first round involves dragons.
Harry runs to tell Cedric about the dragons, because he's nice like that. Also because swoon.
Draco Hair Gel and the Shade Throwers threaten to perform their new single.
But Moody is not a fan, and turns Draco into a ferret.
Round one of the tournament, and the four pick tiny dragons out of a bag.
Harry's dragon is a Hungarian Horntail, the scariest and meanest dragon of the bunch.
Turns out Harry is shit at fighting dragons.
His friends can barely look.
Harry summons his Firebolt and gets out of there.
The Horntail gives chase.
After a minute or two of broom-based hijinks, Harry manages to murder the dragon with a bridge.
Harry claims his prize, a golden egg, which contains a clue to the second round of the tournament.
Harry's tournament success is winning him some admirers.
Harry is coping well with the attention.
It's almost time for the school dance. Yay!
Ron and Harry are not having much luck.
But Hermione is not struggling at all. Not even a little bit.
Harry finally plucks up the courage to ask someone.
"Sorry, someone already asked me."
Harry finds him and Ron some last-minute dates, who don't seem to have names.
She went with Krum, obvs.
Like most things in life, the dance ends in tears.
Harry asks Hermione if Krum has figured out the egg.
"Lol no, he mostly watches me study. It's a bit weird."
CedDig turns up and offers Harry a hint in return.
"That's really mean and hurts my feels."
Harry has zero fucks to give for water conservation, but bubbles are another story.
Sure enough, he opens the egg underwater, and can hear the clue clearly.
Then Moaning Myrtle turns up and tries to check out Harry's Trou-Wizard Tournament and it's a bit creepy.
Harry asks Neville for tips on being tall.
"Some of us really have it."
This round requires the boys to wear loose-fitting clothing, while Fleur has to wear a skintight silver swimsuit.
After five minutes of swimming around being objectified, Fleur retires from the challenge in protest.
Krum, dressed as a shark, turns up to rescue Hermione.
Leaving Harry to save Ron, and Fleur's sister.
For being all brave and shit, Harry gets promoted from last to second place.
There's no time to celebrate though, because someone kills Mr Crouch. Harry is called to Gambondore's office.
Finding himself alone in Gambondore's office, Harry does what any teenage boy would do.
Using Gambondore's flashback machine, Harry sees Karkarov ratting out fellow Death Eaters for a reduced sentence.
Looking fancy in his fancy flashback suit, the Doctor tries to escape.
He is arrested and sent to Azkaban.
With the flashback over, Harry tells Gambondore that he's seen David Tennant before...
On his way back to his dorm, Harry encounters Snape.
"Don't lie to me. This is Veritaserum, three drops of this and you'd tell me anything. The use of it on students is..."
Everyone gathers for the final challenge.
First one to retrieve the cup from the maze, wins.
Filch fires the cannon prematurely.
In the maze, Krum has been put under the Imperius Curse, and takes out Fleur.
Harry has the cup in his sights, but stops to save CedDig.
They touch the cup at the same time...
They land in the graveyard Harry saw in his dream.
Timothy Spall turns up, carrying 8-pound, 6-ounce baby Voldemort.
And Harry can only watch in horror...
As his friend is murdered by Timothy Spall.
Harry is captured. Timothy Spall takes some of his blood and drops it in the cauldron.
He drops 8-pound, 6-ounce baby Voldemort into the cauldron.
And from the flames, full-size Voldemort appears.
Voldemort summons his former Death Eaters, including Luscious Locks.
And introduces himself to the Boy Who Lived.
Voldemort and Harry duel, their wands locking together in a fancy CGI way.
"I'm gonna tell everyone you've got no nose. When people ask how you smell, I'll say..."
The ghosts of Harry's parents appear, and tell him they'll distract Voldemort so he can get to the Port Key.
Then Cedric's ghost appears, and asks Harry to take his body back to his father.
Harry makes it to Cedric's body, and zaps them back to the tournament.
But one by one...
They begin to realise...
That something is terribly, terribly wrong.
Gambondore rushes to Harry.
"That's my son... That's my boy..."
In the commotion, Mad-Eye Moody takes Harry Potter away from the crowd.
"Tell me about the Dark Lord, Harry. What was he like?"
And then the proverbial ball drops.
IT WAS DAVID TENNANT THE WHOLE TIME!
Gambondore delivers Cedric's eulogy.
Fleur and Krum say their good-byes.
"Don't be sad, Hermione. Maybe he'll visit."
The gang gathers so Ron can ask a silly question.
In summary, I thought this was excellent, if not as good as Azkaban; it certainly upped the stakes. Voldemort coming back, Cedric's death... It was quite a punch to the gut!
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