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    This Is What It's Like To Watch "Harry Potter And The Order Of The Phoenix" For The First Time

    Harrowing, mostly. *sobs*

    Warner Bros. / BuzzFeed

    In case you missed it, I'm watching the Harry Potter films for the first time. I'm 31. This is long overdue.

    Warner Bros.

    Cool story, bro.

    Three weeks ago I watched Goblet of Fire, and after much nudging on Twitter, this week I watched HP5.

    I'm watching the Harry Potter series for the first time. Up next is Order of the Phoenix. Here we go... #finallywatchingHP

    Daniel Dalton@wordsbydan

    I'm watching the Harry Potter series for the first time. Up next is Order of the Phoenix. Here we go... #finallywatchingHP

    12:03 PM - 03 Sep 14ReplyRetweetFavorite

    The titles are getting darker.

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    By the last film it'll just be a black screen.

    The film opens with Harry being sad on a swing.

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    "I can't believe I let my hair get that long."

    Dudley and his friends arrive, modelling the Fashionable Muggle summer collection.

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    Big D and the Muggle Fuckers. Worst. Boyband. Ever.

    On the way home, Harry and Dudley are attacked by Dementors in a tunnel.

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    They did not receive positive consent first, which is a massive error.

    Harry whips out his wand, and the Dementors retreat.

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    Always get consent before trying to suck someone's face off in a tunnel.

    A letter arrives from the Ministry expelling Harry from Hogwarts for using magic in front of a Muggle.

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    You're not allowed to perform the patronus charm in front of muggles, but talking envelopes? Fine. #finallywatchingHP

    Daniel Dalton@wordsbydan

    You're not allowed to perform the patronus charm in front of muggles, but talking envelopes? Fine. #finallywatchingHP

    12:17 PM - 03 Sep 14ReplyRetweetFavorite

    Uncle Richard Griffiths is delighted by this turn of events.

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    Also by ice cream. (RIP Richard Griffiths.)

    Harry is all emo, until Mad-Eye Moody and that one girl from Game of Thrones turn up to kidnap him.

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    Some would say "rescue", but they don't understand kidnapping laws. Consent, people. It's not that difficult.

    Harry arrives at Sirius's secret house.

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    Which is secret. And a house. Where Sirius lives.

    Hermione and Ron are already there. Hermione tells him about the Order of the Phoenix.

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    Also, it's stripes day, and Harry did not get the memo.

    "Siriusly?"

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    "No one ever tells me about fucking stripes day."

    "We sent you a fucking owl. On Wednesdays we wear stripes."

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    "Also, the Order of the Phoenix is a secret society set up by Gambondore to fight Voldemort, and like lots of middle-aged men with not much to do, they are getting the band back together."

    Sirius and Harry are finally reunited.

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    "Gary!"

    "It's Harry. Harry Potter."

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    "Like the books."

    "I'm just yanking your wand, Harry."

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    "Why so Sirius?"

    At dinner, Lupin explains that the Ministry is trying to deny Voldemort's return.

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    You know, because plot.

    And Sirius winks at Harry.

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    #swoon4Sirius

    Mr Weasley takes Harry to the Ministry so he can get back into Hogwarts.

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    Harry is dressed like an Ivy League professor from the 1970s, for some reason.

    Outside the meeting, Luscious Locks is talking to the Minister for Magic, who is cosplaying as the Pope.

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    "You want to know my secret? Leave-in conditioner."

    At the hearing, Harry isn't given the chance to defend himself.

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    This is what happens when you hold your hearing at the Ministry of Silly Hats.

    "Witness for the defence! Albus Percival Wulfric..."

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    "...(Brian) Gambondore."

    Gambondore soon sorts out the whole mess.

    You tell 'em, Brian. #finallywatchingHP

    Before long Harry is on the Hogwarts Express, being emo.

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    Acting!

    Hogwarts!

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    Because why use a portkey or a fireplace when you can take a slow-ass train.

    At this point we meet Luna Lovegood.

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    AKA Manic Pixie Dream Witch.

    Hermione introduces everyone to a girl they've presumably been going to school with for years.

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    "This is Luna Lovegood. I read that in the script."

    "Yes, but how does she love?"

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    "Not bad. Lol."

    At the feast, Gambondore welcomes the students to the new term.

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    "Mr Filch wishes you to know that his popular running club, Jogwarts, will be meeting on Tuesday. Run along now. Lol."

    He also introduces the new Defence Against the Dark Arts teacher, Dolores Umbridge.

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    Snape side shade.

    Harry recognises her from the Ministry.

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    Hermione serves out a large slice of shade in her honour.

    Umbridge gives a condescending speech about educational values and knitwear.

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    "I'm sure we're all going to be the very best of friends."

    Harry has an adult dream.

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    Any guesses what he's dreaming about?

    "Is it me?"

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    #wood4Wood

    In class, Umbridge decides that they have been learning too much actual magic at a school for learning magic.

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    "A theoretical knowledge will be enough to get you through your exams, which after all, is what school is all about." #finallywatchingHP

    Daniel Dalton@wordsbydan

    "A theoretical knowledge will be enough to get you through your exams, which after all, is what school is all about." #finallywatchingHP

    1:26 PM - 03 Sep 14ReplyRetweetFavorite

    Harry argues against unnecessary educational reform by non-educators who think teaching is easy.

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    This lands him in detention.

    In detention, Umbridge makes Harry write lines.

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    And gives cat lovers a bad name.

    She gives Harry a special quill that carves his writing into the back of his hand.

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    Just like Tumblr!

    Upset at his punishment, Harry walks around for a bit, dictating a letter to no one in particular.

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    If I lived at Hogwarts, I'd walk around dictating letters too.

    He finds Luna, who is feeding Thestrals.

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    "They can only be seen by people who've seen some real shit. Or who legit murdered a dude when they were 11." #finallywatchingHP

    Daniel Dalton@wordsbydan

    "They can only be seen by people who've seen some real shit. Or who legit murdered a dude when they were 11." #finallywatchingHP

    1:41 PM - 03 Sep 14ReplyRetweetFavorite

    "But if I watched my parents die when I was a baby, shouldn't I have always been able to see them?"

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    "Fuck knows, Harry."

    Meanwhile, at dinner.

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    Ron is a big fan of sausage.

    Boss witch McGonagall confronts Umbridge about her discipline methods.

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    And her fashion sense.

    But this only makes Umbridge worse, and she declares it her intention to clean up the school.

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    No one expects the inquisition. Especially Snape.

    "You originally applied for the position of Defence Against the Dark Arts teacher?"

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    "But you were unsuccessful?"

    "Ob..."

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    "vious..."

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    "...ly."

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    She marches around, questioning teachers and stopping students having fun.

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    Full-time killjoy, part-time pom-pom.

    With Hogwarts going to pot, Sirius appears in the fireplace to offer Harry some advice.

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    "Harry, quick question."

    "Fire away."

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    Lol.

    "Why so Sirius?"

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    "I am on fire tonight."

    With no help coming, Hermione has an idea.

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    "Let's stare out of the window like this for a bit."

    But that idea was shit, so she comes up with a better one.

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    "Fuck it. Let's go to the pub."

    Hermione tries to persuade everyone they need someone to teach them how to magic.

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    And that Harry is the man for the job.

    "Harry Potter?"

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    "Didn't he legit murder a guy a couple of years ago?"

    Harry makes a speech.

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    "In school you get another chance, but out there, when you legit murder a dude... you don't know what that's like." #finallywatchingHP

    Daniel Dalton@wordsbydan

    "In school you get another chance, but out there, when you legit murder a dude... you don't know what that's like." #finallywatchingHP

    2:06 PM - 03 Sep 14ReplyRetweetFavorite

    They decide to form a secret club to prepare themselves for battle with Voldemort.

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    They make the secret club instantly less cool and secret by having people sign a form.

    Hermione is enjoying playing rebel.

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    "It's sort of exciting, isn't it. Breaking the rules."

    Looking for somewhere to practise, Neville stumbles across a secret room.

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    "It's like a chamber. A chamber of secrets!"

    "No, Neville, that was the second film. Pay attention."

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    "This is the plot-device room. What ever plot problem you have, this room will paper right over it."

    Cue training montage.

    MGM

    Not that kind of training montage, Rocky.

    This kind of training montage.

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    Harry schools the troops in disarming and stunning opponents.

    Neville is struggling.

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    But he gets there eventually.

    See?

    Stephen Lovekin / Getty Images

    #wood4Neville

    But Ginny is a natural.

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    #BossWitch

    Love that Ginny and Hermione are the best at spells #finallywatchingHP

    Daniel Dalton@wordsbydan

    Love that Ginny and Hermione are the best at spells #finallywatchingHP

    2:24 PM - 03 Sep 14ReplyRetweetFavorite

    Meanwhile, Filch is trying his best to get into that room.

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    Draco Hair Gel and the Shade Throwers need it to practise their new song, "Wet Look Super Hold".

    "Every great wizard in history started out as a student. If they can do it, why not us?"

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    "If you listen real close, you can hear them whisper their legacy to you."

    "Listen, you hear it?"

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    "Carpe magicae."

    "Seize the magic, friends. Make your lives extraordinary."

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    "Magic exists."

    "The powerful magic goes on and you may contribute a spell."

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    "What will your spell be?"

    Dead Wizards Society #finallywatchingHP

    All excited after his speech, Harry kisses Cho.

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    Which is not even a little bit awkward.

    Ron and Hermione make Harry kiss and tell.

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    "How was it?"

    "OK, yeah."

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    "She was sort of crying though."

    "Why, did you Cho her your wand?"

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    Lol.

    "Probably shouldn't kiss her in front of pictures of her dead ex, to be fair."

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    "Or call her Wood."

    That night, Harry has another adult dream.

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    McGonagall takes him to Gambondore to explain all the bad things he saw.

    But Gambondore has been avoiding Harry.

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    "Look at me when I'm acting!"

    "Tell me when you start acting."

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    Lol.

    At Sirius's Secret House it's time for Christmas dinner.

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    It's not even that secret. Loads of people know about it.

    Sirius is there, being cool.

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    Siriusly cool.

    "Harry, my dear boy. Why so Sirius?"

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    #swoon4Sirius

    "I could ask you the same question."

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    Lol.

    "Touché."

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    HE WINKED AGAIN! *faints* #finallywatchingHP

    Daniel Dalton@wordsbydan

    HE WINKED AGAIN! *faints* #finallywatchingHP

    2:47 PM - 03 Sep 14ReplyRetweetFavorite

    "Siriusly though. I just feel so angry all the time."

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    "And walls, I feel those all the time too."

    "We've all got both light and dark inside of us."

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    "What matters is the part you choose to act on. And flossing. Always floss."

    At Azkaban, Voldemort organises a prison break, allowing Bellatrix Lestrange and co. to escape.

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    Fun fact: Helena Bonham Carter provided her own wardrobe and makeup.

    Back at Hogwarts, the gang have been working on their fierce walk.

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    Achievement unlocked: Tyra fierce.

    Harry teaches the Dead Wizards Society their final lesson: the Patronus Charm.

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    "No matter what anybody tells you, spells and charms can change the world."

    Hermione successfully conjures an otter Patronus.

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    A mighty, mighty otter.

    Harry is impressed.

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    "I fucking love otters."

    But practice is interrupted by Umbridge, who breaks down the wall.

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    "Knock fucking knock!"

    "Surprise, bitches!"

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    The guy at the back is the new lead singer of the Shade Throwers. Draco has been kicked out due to lack of hair gel use.

    So Umbridge is bascially Trunchbull from Matilda, but dressed like a marshmallow. #finallywatchingHP

    Daniel Dalton@wordsbydan

    So Umbridge is bascially Trunchbull from Matilda, but dressed like a marshmallow. #finallywatchingHP

    3:39 PM - 03 Sep 14ReplyRetweetFavorite

    "Oh shit, it's the fuzz."

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    "Fuck tha police!"

    Umbridge calls the Minister, who comes to arrest Gambondore for trying to raise an army.

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    "Send him to Azkaban."

    "Azkaban? I don't think so. We're going to send him somewhere much worse."

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    "A place where subjects are tortured with hellish, improvised music."

    "You wouldn't dare."

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    "You won't even speak its name in my presence."

    "JAZZKABAN."

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    Jazz is literally the worst.

    "You seem to be labouring under the delusion I'm going to come quietly."

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    "Fuck that shit."

    Ah, the old phoenix escape trick. Gambondore knows all the classics #finallywatchingHP

    Daniel Dalton@wordsbydan

    Ah, the old phoenix escape trick. Gambondore knows all the classics #finallywatchingHP

    3:19 PM - 03 Sep 14ReplyRetweetFavorite

    "You may not like it, Minister, but you can't deny..."

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    "Gambondore is cool as fuck."

    Umbridge replaces Gambondore as headmaster.

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    Basic witches be like.

    Harry is understandably upset.

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    "How could you not tell me?"

    "I hate missing stripes day."

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    "It's Wednesday. On Wednesday we wear stripes. You can't sit with us."

    Harry has a vision that Sirius has been captured.

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    "Why so serious? Am I doing it right?"

    He wants to rush to the rescue, but Hermione isn't sure.

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    "What if it's a trap, Harry?"

    "What if you're a trap."

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    Strong comeback, bro.

    Umbridge almost stops them by making this face.

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    But then she gets distracted by last-minute Centaurs. Obvs.

    During the escape, Ron actually does something clever.

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    Pictured: the exact moment Hermione starts respecting Ron.

    Despite spending the whole film training his friends to kick ass, Harry wants to go it alone.

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    Hermione shade.

    The gang model the Fashionable Wizard fall collection.

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    Harry can't resist some cutting-edge fashion, and changes his mind.

    They ride Thestrals to the Ministry.

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    Even though most of the gang can't see Thestrals.

    They arrive and have zero trouble getting past all the security.

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    "I've got a bad feeling about this" – Luke Skywalker, who isn't even in this film.

    The Ministry would benefit from some ambient lighting.

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    Also, this bit was scary as fuck. And I'm a grown man.

    Harry finds what Voldemort was looking for.

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    It's a ball.

    But the Death Eaters turn up.

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    Oh hai!

    Luscious Locks unmasks himself.

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    "Damn mask looks cool but hides my glorious foliage. Now give me the ball!"

    "No, dude, it's my ball. I found it first."

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    "Finders keepers, losers can fuck off."

    "We tricked you into coming here so you could get us that ball. Hand it over."

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    "Bellatrix, please stop doing that with your eyes, you're freaking everyone out."

    "Bellatrix Lestrange?"

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    "My name is Neville Longbottom. You tortured my parents. Prepare to die!"

    "Hush boy, stop trying to make this about you."

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    "Now where was I? Ah yes, I am fabulous. Harry, give me the ball and I'll tell you about your scar, and give you some haircare tips that will blow your mind."

    "I've waited 14 years for some decent grooming tips."

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    "I guess I can wait a little longer."

    Harry gives the order to attack.

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    "Have some of that, Goldilocks!"

    They make a run for it, but there are Death Eaters at every turn.

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    Shit.

    With nowhere left to run, Ginny destroys the joint.

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    "Fuck the patriarchy!"

    Like, literally destroys the joint.

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    Ginny's reductor curse is some boss witch stuff #finallywatchingHP

    Daniel Dalton@wordsbydan

    Ginny's reductor curse is some boss witch stuff #finallywatchingHP

    4:10 PM - 03 Sep 14ReplyRetweetFavorite

    They make it out, but are captured by Death Eaters.

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    Poor Neville.

    "Give me the ball, or watch your friends die."

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    "Not in the good way."

    Surprise Sirius!

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    The best kind of Sirius.

    "Get away from my Godson." #finallywatchingHP

    Daniel Dalton@wordsbydan

    "Get away from my Godson." #finallywatchingHP

    4:16 PM - 03 Sep 14ReplyRetweetFavorite

    The rest of the Order of the Phoenix arrive.

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    Look at Lupin. So fancy.

    "Take the others and get out of here."

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    "You've done beautifully."

    But Harry doesn't go, and he and Sirius fight side by side.

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    Sirius accidentally calls Harry "James", which delights Harry.

    But then, just when they are winning...

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    Bellatrix hits Sirius with a killing curse.

    Sirius's eyes glaze over.

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    He takes one last look at Harry.

    And he's gone.

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    RIP Sirius, you magnificent bastard. #finallywatchingHP

    Daniel Dalton@wordsbydan

    RIP Sirius, you magnificent bastard. #finallywatchingHP

    4:23 PM - 03 Sep 14ReplyRetweetFavorite

    This was me. Except Lupin wasn't there to hold me.

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    *sobs*

    In a rage, Harry chases down Bellatrix.

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    "I legit murdered a dude when I was 11. I'll do it again!"

    Voldemort appears and taunts Harry, telling him to kill Bellatrix.

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    "Go on, right in the face."

    Finally, Gambondore arrives.

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    "You shouldn't have come here tonight, Tom."

    Gambondore and Voldemort duel.

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    It's a pretty bitchin' fight scene.

    Realising he can't win, Voldemort pulls some Exorcist shit on Harry.

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    But thanks to the training he received from Snape, Harry manages to fight him off.

    "You're the weak one. You'll never know love, or friendship. And I feel sorry for you." #finallywatchingHP

    Daniel Dalton@wordsbydan

    "You're the weak one. You'll never know love, or friendship. And I feel sorry for you." #finallywatchingHP

    4:33 PM - 03 Sep 14ReplyRetweetFavorite

    The Minister arrives in time to see Voldemort fleeing.

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    "Guess I was wrong. My bad."

    "I hate to say I told you so."

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    "But I fucking told you so. Clown."

    Back at Hogwarts, Gambondore apologises to Harry.

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    "Um...sorry."

    "The prophecy said that neither one of us could live while the other one...er...lives. Something like that."

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    "Does that mean I have to kill again?"

    "Well, if it says it in a prophecy then it must be true."

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    "So yes."

    "Finally."

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    "Haven't murdered anyone in ages."

    As the gang get ready to leave Hogwarts for another year, Harry gives a final speech.

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    "I've been thinking about something Gambondore said to me. Even though we've got a fight ahead of us, we've got something Voldemort doesn't have."

    "Yeah?"

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    "What's that?"

    "Noses."

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    Cool brown corduroy blazer/T-shirt combo, bro.

    The end.

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    This was definitely one of the better films, probably my second favourite after Azkaban, for one simple reason.

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    Sirius Black.

    His loss was so sad, I'm still reeling. Hard to imagine three more films without him. But even though he didn't survive it, he helped make this one great.

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    Cheers, Sirius.

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