This Is What It's Like To Watch "Harry Potter And The Order Of The Phoenix" For The First Time
Harrowing, mostly. *sobs*
The titles are getting darker.
The film opens with Harry being sad on a swing.
Dudley and his friends arrive, modelling the Fashionable Muggle summer collection.
On the way home, Harry and Dudley are attacked by Dementors in a tunnel.
Harry whips out his wand, and the Dementors retreat.
A letter arrives from the Ministry expelling Harry from Hogwarts for using magic in front of a Muggle.
Uncle Richard Griffiths is delighted by this turn of events.
Harry is all emo, until Mad-Eye Moody and that one girl from Game of Thrones turn up to kidnap him.
Harry arrives at Sirius's secret house.
Hermione and Ron are already there. Hermione tells him about the Order of the Phoenix.
"We sent you a fucking owl. On Wednesdays we wear stripes."
Sirius and Harry are finally reunited.
"It's Harry. Harry Potter."
"I'm just yanking your wand, Harry."
At dinner, Lupin explains that the Ministry is trying to deny Voldemort's return.
And Sirius winks at Harry.
Mr Weasley takes Harry to the Ministry so he can get back into Hogwarts.
Outside the meeting, Luscious Locks is talking to the Minister for Magic, who is cosplaying as the Pope.
At the hearing, Harry isn't given the chance to defend himself.
"Witness for the defence! Albus Percival Wulfric..."
Before long Harry is on the Hogwarts Express, being emo.
At this point we meet Luna Lovegood.
Hermione introduces everyone to a girl they've presumably been going to school with for years.
"Yes, but how does she love?"
At the feast, Gambondore welcomes the students to the new term.
He also introduces the new Defence Against the Dark Arts teacher, Dolores Umbridge.
Harry recognises her from the Ministry.
Umbridge gives a condescending speech about educational values and knitwear.
Harry has an adult dream.
In class, Umbridge decides that they have been learning too much actual magic at a school for learning magic.
Harry argues against unnecessary educational reform by non-educators who think teaching is easy.
In detention, Umbridge makes Harry write lines.
She gives Harry a special quill that carves his writing into the back of his hand.
Upset at his punishment, Harry walks around for a bit, dictating a letter to no one in particular.
He finds Luna, who is feeding Thestrals.
"But if I watched my parents die when I was a baby, shouldn't I have always been able to see them?"
Meanwhile, at dinner.
Boss witch McGonagall confronts Umbridge about her discipline methods.
But this only makes Umbridge worse, and she declares it her intention to clean up the school.
"You originally applied for the position of Defence Against the Dark Arts teacher?"
She marches around, questioning teachers and stopping students having fun.
With Hogwarts going to pot, Sirius appears in the fireplace to offer Harry some advice.
With no help coming, Hermione has an idea.
But that idea was shit, so she comes up with a better one.
Hermione tries to persuade everyone they need someone to teach them how to magic.
Harry makes a speech.
They decide to form a secret club to prepare themselves for battle with Voldemort.
Hermione is enjoying playing rebel.
Looking for somewhere to practise, Neville stumbles across a secret room.
"No, Neville, that was the second film. Pay attention."
Cue training montage.
This kind of training montage.
Neville is struggling.
Meanwhile, Filch is trying his best to get into that room.
"Every great wizard in history started out as a student. If they can do it, why not us?"
"Seize the magic, friends. Make your lives extraordinary."
"The powerful magic goes on and you may contribute a spell."
All excited after his speech, Harry kisses Cho.
Ron and Hermione make Harry kiss and tell.
"Why, did you Cho her your wand?"
"Probably shouldn't kiss her in front of pictures of her dead ex, to be fair."
That night, Harry has another adult dream.
But Gambondore has been avoiding Harry.
"Tell me when you start acting."
At Sirius's Secret House it's time for Christmas dinner.
Sirius is there, being cool.
"Harry, my dear boy. Why so Sirius?"
"I could ask you the same question."
"Siriusly though. I just feel so angry all the time."
"We've all got both light and dark inside of us."
At Azkaban, Voldemort organises a prison break, allowing Bellatrix Lestrange and co. to escape.
Back at Hogwarts, the gang have been working on their fierce walk.
Harry teaches the Dead Wizards Society their final lesson: the Patronus Charm.
Hermione successfully conjures an otter Patronus.
But practice is interrupted by Umbridge, who breaks down the wall.
"Oh shit, it's the fuzz."
Umbridge calls the Minister, who comes to arrest Gambondore for trying to raise an army.
"Azkaban? I don't think so. We're going to send him somewhere much worse."
"You wouldn't dare."
"You seem to be labouring under the delusion I'm going to come quietly."
"You may not like it, Minister, but you can't deny..."
Umbridge replaces Gambondore as headmaster.
Harry is understandably upset.
"I hate missing stripes day."
Harry has a vision that Sirius has been captured.
He wants to rush to the rescue, but Hermione isn't sure.
Umbridge almost stops them by making this face.
During the escape, Ron actually does something clever.
Despite spending the whole film training his friends to kick ass, Harry wants to go it alone.
The gang model the Fashionable Wizard fall collection.
They ride Thestrals to the Ministry.
They arrive and have zero trouble getting past all the security.
The Ministry would benefit from some ambient lighting.
Harry finds what Voldemort was looking for.
But the Death Eaters turn up.
Luscious Locks unmasks himself.
"No, dude, it's my ball. I found it first."
"We tricked you into coming here so you could get us that ball. Hand it over."
"Hush boy, stop trying to make this about you."
"I've waited 14 years for some decent grooming tips."
Harry gives the order to attack.
They make a run for it, but there are Death Eaters at every turn.
With nowhere left to run, Ginny destroys the joint.
Like, literally destroys the joint.
They make it out, but are captured by Death Eaters.
"Give me the ball, or watch your friends die."
The rest of the Order of the Phoenix arrive.
"Take the others and get out of here."
But Harry doesn't go, and he and Sirius fight side by side.
But then, just when they are winning...
Sirius's eyes glaze over.
And he's gone.
This was me. Except Lupin wasn't there to hold me.
In a rage, Harry chases down Bellatrix.
Voldemort appears and taunts Harry, telling him to kill Bellatrix.
Finally, Gambondore arrives.
Gambondore and Voldemort duel.
Realising he can't win, Voldemort pulls some Exorcist shit on Harry.
The Minister arrives in time to see Voldemort fleeing.
"I hate to say I told you so."
Back at Hogwarts, Gambondore apologises to Harry.
"The prophecy said that neither one of us could live while the other one...er...lives. Something like that."
"Well, if it says it in a prophecy then it must be true."
As the gang get ready to leave Hogwarts for another year, Harry gives a final speech.
This was definitely one of the better films, probably my second favourite after Azkaban, for one simple reason.
His loss was so sad, I'm still reeling. Hard to imagine three more films without him. But even though he didn't survive it, he helped make this one great.
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