14 Remarkably Unfortunate Things That Have Happened To Wolverine Over The Years

Talk about a glutton for punishment...

Logan will be the eighth and final appearance for Hugh Jackman's Wolverine, who's routinely been stabbed, shot in the face, tortured, drowned, and generally suffered all manner of horrific injuries.

20th Century Fox / Via critique-film.fr

(Like that cheery bit in Days of Future Past where he's impaled with a metal railing and dumped at the bottom of a lake.)

Yet, while Logan is set to provide a little closure for Magneto's favourite punching bag, it doesn't come CLOSE to what comic book writers have done to him over the years.

Turns out healing ability is less "cool superhero power" and more "way for many people to fuck with you".

1. Getting emasculated by Captain Spock.

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For Ryan Reynolds, getting permission to use two minor X-Men in Deadpool was a soul-destroying, licensing minefield. If only he'd just written a comic book instead!

Of course, comics can't draw you $760 million at the box office like a film can. And back in the 1990s, there was no Cinematic Universe to protect, which resulted in all kinds of unlikely partnerships in an attempt to create fresh stories. Like the crew of the USS Enterprise crossing over with the X-Men.

One problem with crossovers is that both sides will want their characters to look good. So, naturally you'll need to at least agree on someone to lose a bit of face. "Put them over", if you will. Here's where Wolverine comes in.

This one's mostly painful to Wolverine's ego as he gets murked by Spock's Vulcan Nerve Pinch twice and spends the rest of the comic pouting.

2. Having his face blown off by the Punisher, then steamrollered.

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Yep, literally like that bit in Austin Powers, Wolverine was literally flattened by everyone's favourite will-he-won't-he vigilante (he will), Frank Castle.

In the incredibly appropriately named Astonishing Tales, Punisher and Wolverine embark in a Rowdy Roddy Piper–esque fight, except this one's just Castle blasting the crap out of Wolverine.

After shooting him in the face, kneecaps, and testicles (because you should never overestimate a writer's maturity), Punisher realises he needs to keep Wolverine down, and spots Chekhov's Steamrolller in the corner.

Wolverine later "gets his own back" on the Punisher by finding magazines in his bag and calling him gay. Because this series really was childish garbage.

3. Being eaten (partially) by a cannibal.

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In Wolverine #165, Logan had lost his healing ability (again) and was stuck in the super prison "The Cage" after being framed for murder. In an elaborate effort to finally kill him off, the guards revived a hundreds-of-years-old French-Canadian cannibal sorcerer called Mauvais to do it for them.

He didn't manage to quite eat Wolverine whole, but didn't leave hungry either. Before leaving, he chose to eat his left eye just because!

4. Being tricked into killing the vast majority of the X-Men.

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Old Man Logan is one of the more critically acclaimed stories and the inspiration for the latest film. But...holy shit does this get dark quickly.

[POSSIBLE SPOILERS HERE BECAUSE WHO KNOWS WHAT'S IN THE MOVIE]

The comic is set in an apocalyptic future where Logan's healing factor is nearly gone and he's, y'know, old. The US is now run by super-villains, and all the heroes have been wiped out, which is kinda conceivable considering the literal thousands of attempts to do so by bad guys over the years.

Except, in a classically nihilistic twist, it was actually Wolverine who killed off all the heroes. Turns out that when Wolverine thought he was defending the X-Mansion from bad guys, it was actually an illusion from Spiderman villain Mysterio, and he'd killed all his teammates.

Oh and also Hawkeye somehow survives all this to become a major part of the story.

(Plus the Kingpin feeds Punisher and Daredevil to dinosaurs.)

5. Eaten by the Hulk.

Marvel / Via marvel.wikia.com

Bear with me...because we're only just getting started with Old Man Logan.

The US is now divided into various territories, with one belonging to the grand-children of Hulk and his cousin She-Hulk (what?). Some shenanigans occur with the Red Skull, which sees Hawkeye killed (aww :/), only for Logan to return and find the baby Hulks have murdered his entire family (also aww :/).

So Logan goes old-school Wolverine and murders them all. This perks up the original Hulk, who reveals that he orchestrated the whole thing (the family murder) because he was bored.

A big fight ensues. Hulk wins by EATING Wolverine. Wolverine then chills for a while in Hulk's stomach and eventually bursts out, killing him. Remarkably, this is a HAPPY ending, as Logan meets another Baby Hulk and plans to start a new superhero team. (Platonically.)

Yeesh, cue some time-travelling sequels to prevent all this, please.

6. Getting turned into a vampire (by Jubilee).

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This took place during the Curse of the Mutants storyline where, long story short, San Francisco gets overrun by vampires and Jubilee pulls a fast one on Wolverine by surprise-biting him.

This one resolved itself fairly quickly. Something about nanobots.

7. Being hit with a nuclear bomb.

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In Venom #9, Wolverine is unwittingly bonded with the Venom symbiote you may recognise from Spiderman 3 (You know, the one with the Spidey-dancing).

Long story short, they nuke him to try and separate him from the Venom symbiote, which...actually works! More remarkably, Wolverine simply wakes up in a crater afterwards and is up and ready to go again a couple of minutes later.

Heck, even Superman died for a bit after he took a nuclear bomb to the face.

8. Literally being ripped in half by the Hulk...and having the two pieces thrown off a mountain.

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In this story, Hulk was doing Hulk things in Tibet, so Wolverine was sent to sort things out, only to be torn into two pieces (because there was a non-adamantium bit of spine in there). Wolverine actually smells his legs at the top of a random mountain, and goes on a spiritual crawl to put himself back together.

Fun fact: Ultimate Hulk vs Wolverine was written by Lost co-creator Damon Lindelof, which explains the numerous flashbacks, random animals (a panda), and inexplicable plot details, like Wolverine being able to breathe through his skin.

Oh also, it took him over three years to find his legs.

Ultimate Wolverine vs. Hulk managed two issues in 2005 and 2006, before going on a hiatus until issue #3 came out in 2009, leaving Wolverine without legs for three years. Three years!

9. And even then he didn't get his legs back. Nick Fury cut his body off at the head and refused to give him back the rest.

Marvel / Via screwattack.roosterteeth.com

When Ultimate Wolverine vs Hulk finally resumed, Wolverine gets back to the top of the mountain. But before he can get his legs from the Hulk (threatening to eat them), She-Hulk turns up to fight Hulk. Then they all get nuked.

Logan survives (of course) and wakes up being interrogated by Nick Fury, who briefly withholds his body, before mercifully giving it back.

10. The time when Magneto unbonded the adamantium from his bones.

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Magneto and Wolverine are so comically mismatched you almost feel sorry for the creators. An insanely popular hero and villain combo, except the hero is literally powerless to even get within 30 feet of him.

Naturally, the history of Magneto vs Wolverine is just Magneto clowning him at every opportunity. But the most notable has to be when Magneto undid the entire Weapon X project in the Fatal Attractions story arc, like it wasn't even a thing

I mean, physically, it's incredibly debilitating even by Wolverine's standards. But Magneto also just rolled back the thing that defined Wolverine's entire existence for DECADES.

Of course, this is comics, so this effectively happened again in 2009's Ultimatum #5.

11. When alternate reality Wolverine was a total loser. (And with stupid.)

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While prone to suffering disembowelment pretty frequently, Wolverine can still be rationalised as being an undisputed badass.

So of course, there's the Earth X series featuring an alternate universe where Wolverine is a drunken slob living out a garbage life with a Jean Grey clone. BECAUSE WOLVERINE CAN'T HAVE NICE THINGS.

12. Having everything burnt off. EVERYTHING.

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Hardcore comic book fans will tell you that while Marvel's Civil War was a cool concept, things were also pretty batshit.

The crux of the story was the Superhero Registration Act, which Wolverine was all for, and trying to hunt down an explosive mutant called Nitro (who was responsible for starting the Civil War in question).

Predictably, Nitro exploded on Wolverine, literally burning all of his flesh away to leave just an adamantium skeleton. Of course, it all grows back. But it does ask the question how...

13. Being sent to hell.

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Yes, there was an entire story arc where he goes to hell and gets his body possessed by demons. This leads to new story arc called Schism, which is a whole 'nother thing.

So let's just skip to the end where he opens up a school in New York called the Jean Grey School for Higher Learning, and everything's nice again.

14. And finally, most shockingly, turned into a corporate spokesperson.

Marvel / Via comc.com

Horrifying! (Although, admittedly the "spring break" image was just a trading card. But it would make a MUCH better sausage commercial!)