WARNING: Contains spoilers.
Whenever I see people insisting something is the worst and a waste of time, my immediate reaction is to find out for myself if that's true. Look what we have here:
Here's how Netflix describes the movie:
I'm going to start watching this movie, but it's over two hours long, so today we're going to play a game I'm making up literally right now called, "Six Strikes, You're Out." Here's how it works: For any moment in this film that indicates it's irredeemable trash/a waste of time, I'll assess a strike. If it reaches six strikes, it's out and so am I. Ready? Let's begin.
I'm a big Ryan Reynolds fan, so I'll want to like this movie, but I promise not to be biased in calling strikes. The film begins with Ryan faking his death so he can form a secret team of operatives who take down bad guys, just like the description says.
Oh, look, Dave Franco is in this movie. He plays the driver on Ryan's team. We see how skilled he is in the opening 20 minutes, which are an action-packed car chase that features shootouts, explosions, and other things you'd expect in a Michael Bay movie.
STRIKE ONE: This movie is introducing each character with a title card, which is a fun way to meet a squad of rebellious individuals that was already done back in 2016 by the Academy Award–winning film Suicide Squad:
Bad news about Dave Franco, aka Six, the Driver — HE DEAD. He accidentally drifted the car into a piece of metal and was impaled. Shoutout to the pause button for very clearly exposing Ryan's and Dave's respective stunt doubles:
Ryan replaces Dave (RIP) with this new dude, who will be called Seven:
Ryan and his team discuss their next big plan — to take down the government of a country called Turgistan, ruled by a dictator named Rovach:
Here's Rovach, the villain of this movie:
STRIKE TWO: This movie has been jumping from past to present chaotically and confusingly. I love a flashback when there's structure and it makes sense, but to just now be getting caught up to present day after 43 minutes for no apparent reason makes it seem like a mess.
We see Rovach do more villain/asshole things, like having some dudes thrown from a building:
STRIKE THREE: Turns out we're STILL getting backstory. There's a flashback to the first time Ryan met one of his team members, named Four:
Rovach's henchman's shirt would've gotten strike four here, but the movie acknowledged how ridiculous it is, so we'll let it slide:
Alright, it's time for a big mission. Ryan and his squad are planning on snatching up the dictator's brother, Murat, so they can stage a coup d'état, overthrow the Turgistan government, and make Murat the country's new leader:
The mission scene is here and it's filled with action. We've got night vision, we've got an extraction, we've got things exploding, and we've got time constraints, forcing the group to work in a hurry. EXCITING:
To create a distraction/take out some bad guys who are outnumbering the group, Seven shoots a pool, sending flowing water everywhere. All I can think about is how expensive this must've been. Even if that water is digital, it had to cost A LOT. What's this movie's budget?
WELL, DAMN:
The group extracts Murat, but Four gets stuck trying to escape some bad guys, so they're going to have to leave him behind. We get to watch Four trying to outrun villains on cranes and a partially constructed building to a remix of "Run" by Awolnation, so yes, we've reached the level of action I was hoping for:
Seven wants them to stop the car and help Four, but Ryan is like, "Nah, he's on his own":
Now Ryan and Seven are pointing guns at Three, telling him to do conflicting things, and you know what I just realized?
THIS MOMENT HAS THE POTENTIAL TO BE A GREAT MEME FORMAT.
I don't have time, so here's a very shitty example, but best believe I stashed the screenshot for future use:
Seven gets his wishes as Three stops the car because he cocked his gun first. Seven gets out and shoots at the bad guy who was attacking Four, and they all survive!
Rovach the dictator-antagonist is pissed, obviously:
The next day, the group has an argument about what went down. Ryan stands by his opinion — that they should've left Four behind to avoid the risk. Seven still disagrees:
The reason they go by numbers is to avoid humanizing each other and getting emotionally involved, but Seven convinces everyone to share their actual names. Suddenly we're watching an icebreaker circle. We're an hour and a half in; I'm not even going to try to start remembering different names.
They get right into their next mission, hacking a TV station during a speech by Rovach, allowing Murat to motivate the country to revolt and be free. They also blow a lot of shit up — strategically, though.
Rovach goes on the run, but of course he's not going to give up because there are 30 minutes left.
Rovach orders airstrikes on protesters who are blocking his way on the road, AND he tells his driver to plow straight through crowds of people just because. Big antagonist energy:
STRIKE FOUR: OK, the stunt doubles are distracting when they don't even slightly resemble the actor. I'd drop it if I didn't know they were given $150 million to work with:
They're on Rovach's boat trying to track him down, and the action in this sequence is DOPE. There are magnets, there are plastic guns, there are grenades — it's wild:
Only about 15 minutes left and Ryan says exactly what I was thinking about while watching this movie:
Despite a bunch of bad guys getting killed over the last several minutes, Four winds up outnumbered and in danger:
THIS TIME RYAN IS SAYING SCREW THE MISSION AND IS GOING TO SAVE HIS TEAMMATE:
Ryan saves Four with ease, but now they have to run because after all the destruction, the boat is sinking:
Rovach escapes on a rescue boat that drives him to a helicopter. Once he gets on, he gives the pilot instructions on where to take him:
But the pilot is actually his brother, Murat:
And the whole team is in the helicopter, making their best "Ladies and gentlemen, we got him" faces:
After flying around for a bit, Rovach is eventually like, "Yo, just shoot me and put me out of my misery":
Instead, they shove his ass out of the helicopter. Not from high up, though; they want him alive so some of the citizens can get their hands on him:
And the citizens stomp Rovach's ass out (they don't show him die, but I think we can safely assume he doesn't survive this):
We see all of the team members back home looking happy. Ryan watches his child from a distance and leaves his money to his son in the event that he dies in a mission. Then we see the group walking together as if they're headed out on a new mission, and that's the movie.
FINAL THOUGHTS:
