Back in 2015, a movie called The Witch premiered at Sundance. In 2016 it was released widely and I remember this because whenever I'd see ads for it, I'd change the channel. It legit had me on edge every commercial break.
Today I'm finally going to face this movie head-on for my fellow cowards who want to know what it's all about but don't want to be paranoid for the next several weeks. Here we go!
Here's how Netflix describes The Witch:
The movie begins with a super religious family being banished from the plantation they were living on. EVICTION? We're off to a truly terrifying start!
The family doesn't seem too upset about being booted from a community. They go on their merry way, making a stop in the boonies to pray.
Now the family is living on a farm by the forest. We meet Thomasin who is tasked with watching her baby brother, Sam. We aren't even seven minutes in when a game of peekaboo goes very wrong and Sam is suddenly missing.
Whoever took Sam needs to stop stealing babies and take their talents to the Olympics because they dashed off and disappeared into the forest within a matter of seconds. I applaud the speed but condemn the kidnapping.
We see the dad, William, and one of his sons, Caleb, out hunting. The family is still reeling from baby Sam's disappearance.
Katherine is really irritated with Thomasin because baby Sam went missing under her supervision.
That night as the kids are about to sleep, they overhear Katherine telling William that they should send Thomasin off to work for a different family. HARSH!
The next day, Caleb goes to run some farm people errands and Thomasin invites herself to join him.
All is fine until their dog, Fowler, runs off, disappearing into the woods. Caleb chases after Fowler, leaving Thomasin behind on the horse.
The horse starts going nuts, bucking Thomasin off, knocking her unconscious.
Eventually Thomasin wakes up and her father finds her.
Caleb has gone deeper into the woods, where he finds Fowler's dead body. He then stumbles upon a creepy little crib in the middle of the forest. Instead of running, Caleb says "F**k common sense!" and approaches. A flirty woman walks out, mesmerizing him with her bosom. She gets close, gives him a smooch, and then snags him with a giant, wrinkly, demon hand. It made me flinch and now I'm embarrassed that someone probably saw so THANKS A LOT, A24.
According to Google, "whoever wrote this" is actually Robert Eggers, and he's doing more than OK because he just dropped The Lighthouse starring Robert Pattinson back in October.
Back at home, Katherine is even more upset at Thomasin now, blaming her for Caleb being missing.
William confesses to Katherine that he took her cup and admits that he took Caleb out in the woods the other day. Now she's pissed at him.
UNEXPECTED TURN OF EVENTS: Caleb returns home. Thomasin finds him outside, naked in the rain.
Caleb isn't looking so good. He's been out of it since they found him.
Caleb starts muttering weird, random phrases that sound like things someone who recently made out with a witch would say.
Then, Caleb pukes up an apple. Now his mom is certain he's "witched" aka he's under a spell.
Caleb freaks out, then starts yelling nice things about loving God and wanting to be taken to the Lord's lap.
The Lord seems to oblige because Caleb falls back, dead.
Katherine blames Thomasin and tells her to scram.
OK, SOMETHING I HAVEN'T MENTIONED YET: The two younger siblings in this family are twins and they're SO obnoxious and poorly behaved. I'm not even going to tell you their names, just know they're two little shits. Anyway, early in the movie the little shits were acting up, so Thomasin told them she's a witch and that she stole the baby to scare/shut them up. NOW, they're accusing her of being a witch and deeming her responsible for Caleb's death.
DRAMA ALERT: Thomasin insists she's not a witch and even blames the twins. She says that Black Phillip, the family's goat, is actually Satan, AND she suggests that the twins are homies with it. She believes Black Phillip and the twins have an agreement, and they work together to do devilish things.
The dad is fed up and trusts nobody. He boards all of the kids and the goats up in a barn together.
They're all just chillin' in there, asking each other if they're in cahoots with Satan or whatever. Nobody is fessing up.
That night, William cries to God, acknowledging that him being prideful got his family kicked out of their old village, putting them in their current dilemma.
Inside of the house, Katherine, the mother, has a hallucination/vision of Caleb and the baby sitting in her room. Caleb tells his mother that he has a book he wants her to look at, which she agrees to, but first she wants to feed the baby.
Meanwhile, outside, we hear some thumping and rustling around, then the kids see a woman/witch drinking milk from a goat. Yep, she's slurpin' straight from the source.
THE WITCH TURNS AROUND AND LAUGHS A HORRIFYING LAUGH. I FLINCHED AGAIN. I'LL BE SUING A24 FOR MENTAL ANGUISH.
THEN, back inside the house, we see that Katherine isn't feeding the baby as she thinks, instead a crow is pecking at her breasts. HEY, ROBERT EGGERS, WHY?
The next morning, William wakes up and sees carnage. Goats are destroyed, the kids are gone, and Thomasin is just now waking up.
All of a sudden, William gets gored by Black Phillip. OH SHIT, is that goat actually Satan, or is he just an animal doing animal things?!
vote votesYES, THAT GOAT IS 100% SATAN
vote votesNOPE, JUST A GOAT BEING A GOAT
Katherine wakes up and heads outside. She sees her husband and the goats slaughtered, the twins missing, and Thomasin standing there, so she's fully convinced her daughter is a witch and attacks her.
Thomasin manages to reach a weapon and defend herself, but her mother is relentless, leaving Thomasin with no choice but to kill her.
Exhausted and alone, Thomasin rests. Later that night, Thomasin follows Black Phillip into a stable.
So Thomasin is fully convinced Black Phillip is evil. She starts trying to get him to speak, asking if he understands English, hoping for a response. He isn't talking, so she goes to turn away.
AND BLACK PHILLIP THE FUCKING GOAT SPEAKS BACK TO HER IN HIS SOFT, CREEPY, SATAN-Y VOICE. OH MY GOD, IT WAS THE GOAT ALL ALONG!
Black Phillip begins saying weird things, like asking Thomasin if she wants "the taste of butter," whatever that means.
Black Phillip also asks Thomasin if she'd like "a pretty dress" or to "live deliciously" and I'm like WTF does that even mean, but Thomasin is like "Yep, I'm down!"
Since she agreed, Satan has her get naked and sign her name in some mysterious book, then he creeps around behind her in the form of a dark figure who you can faintly see on the right side of the image below thanks to Photoshop's brightness feature.
Then, Black Phillip and Thomasin head out into the forest where she finds a bunch of naked witches doing some sort of Satan-infused ritual.
THE WITCHES START LEVITATING INTO THE AIR.
Finally, Thomasin begins to float, laughing as she ascends into the sky and that's it! THE END.
The Hole In The Ground on Amazon
Girl on the Third Floor on Amazon
Eli on Netflix
Eerie on Netflix
Secret Obsession on Netflix
Midsommar in theaters
Murder Mystery on Netflix
The Perfection on Netflix
The Wandering Earth on Netflix
The Silence on Netflix
Black Summer on Netflix
How It Ends on Netflix
Veronica on Netflix