Skip To Content
  • Poll badge

"The Witch" Is Streaming On Netflix And Some People Say It's The Scariest Movie Of The Decade, So I Watched For People Who Don't Do Horror

The Witch comes up when you search scariest film of the decade.

Back in 2015, a movie called The Witch premiered at Sundance. In 2016 it was released widely and I remember this because whenever I'd see ads for it, I'd change the channel. It legit had me on edge every commercial break.

A24 / @AsaTJ / @cody_landman / @tilhuntym / @Google

This movie is widely considered the best horror flick of the soon-to-be-over 2010s, and when I searched "scariest film of the decade" on Google, The Witch was the first option shown.

Today I'm finally going to face this movie head-on for my fellow cowards who want to know what it's all about but don't want to be paranoid for the next several weeks. Here we go!

BuzzFeed

Here's how Netflix describes The Witch:

Netflix

"Believing that a witch has cursed their family, pilgrims homesteading on the edge of a primeval New England forest become increasingly paranoid."

The movie begins with a super religious family being banished from the plantation they were living on. EVICTION? We're off to a truly terrifying start!

A24

The family doesn't seem too upset about being booted from a community. They go on their merry way, making a stop in the boonies to pray.

A24

Now the family is living on a farm by the forest. We meet Thomasin who is tasked with watching her baby brother, Sam. We aren't even seven minutes in when a game of peekaboo goes very wrong and Sam is suddenly missing.

A24

RUH ROH METER: 9/10

Whoever took Sam needs to stop stealing babies and take their talents to the Olympics because they dashed off and disappeared into the forest within a matter of seconds. I applaud the speed but condemn the kidnapping.

A24

We see Sam the baby with a person who I think is the witch. You can skip the visuals and details and know that Sam the baby doesn't survive this scene, or you can click on the image below to reveal shots of the scene and additional info on the gross/strange sights.

A24

We see the dad, William, and one of his sons, Caleb, out hunting. The family is still reeling from baby Sam's disappearance.

A24

During their hunting session, William reveals to Caleb that he traded Katherine's (the wife/mother) silver cup for hunting supplies.

Katherine is really irritated with Thomasin because baby Sam went missing under her supervision.

A24

At dinner, Katherine blames Thomasin of stealing her silver cup.

That night as the kids are about to sleep, they overhear Katherine telling William that they should send Thomasin off to work for a different family. HARSH!

A24

The next day, Caleb goes to run some farm people errands and Thomasin invites herself to join him.

A24

All is fine until their dog, Fowler, runs off, disappearing into the woods. Caleb chases after Fowler, leaving Thomasin behind on the horse.

A24

The horse starts going nuts, bucking Thomasin off, knocking her unconscious.

A24

Eventually Thomasin wakes up and her father finds her.

A24

Caleb has gone deeper into the woods, where he finds Fowler's dead body. He then stumbles upon a creepy little crib in the middle of the forest. Instead of running, Caleb says "F**k common sense!" and approaches. A flirty woman walks out, mesmerizing him with her bosom. She gets close, gives him a smooch, and then snags him with a giant, wrinkly, demon hand. It made me flinch and now I'm embarrassed that someone probably saw so THANKS A LOT, A24.

A24

In just about 40 minutes, this movie has killed off a baby, a dog, and now probably another child. Is whoever wrote this film OK?

According to Google, "whoever wrote this" is actually Robert Eggers, and he's doing more than OK because he just dropped The Lighthouse starring Robert Pattinson back in October.

Google

I've REALLY been wanting to go watch The Lighthouse, and now I'm glad I know what type of savagery I need to mentally prepare myself for in advance.

Back at home, Katherine is even more upset at Thomasin now, blaming her for Caleb being missing.

A24

William confesses to Katherine that he took her cup and admits that he took Caleb out in the woods the other day. Now she's pissed at him.

A24

UNEXPECTED TURN OF EVENTS: Caleb returns home. Thomasin finds him outside, naked in the rain.

A24

Caleb isn't looking so good. He's been out of it since they found him.

A24

Caleb starts muttering weird, random phrases that sound like things someone who recently made out with a witch would say.

A24

Then, Caleb pukes up an apple. Now his mom is certain he's "witched" aka he's under a spell.

A24

Yes, a whole apple.

Caleb freaks out, then starts yelling nice things about loving God and wanting to be taken to the Lord's lap.

A24

The Lord seems to oblige because Caleb falls back, dead.

A24

Katherine blames Thomasin and tells her to scram.

A24

OK, SOMETHING I HAVEN'T MENTIONED YET: The two younger siblings in this family are twins and they're SO obnoxious and poorly behaved. I'm not even going to tell you their names, just know they're two little shits. Anyway, early in the movie the little shits were acting up, so Thomasin told them she's a witch and that she stole the baby to scare/shut them up. NOW, they're accusing her of being a witch and deeming her responsible for Caleb's death.

A24

DRAMA ALERT: Thomasin insists she's not a witch and even blames the twins. She says that Black Phillip, the family's goat, is actually Satan, AND she suggests that the twins are homies with it. She believes Black Phillip and the twins have an agreement, and they work together to do devilish things.

A24

Honestly, the twins do seem to be around the goat a lot and they behave like demons, so this is feasible in my opinion.

The dad is fed up and trusts nobody. He boards all of the kids and the goats up in a barn together.

A24

They're all just chillin' in there, asking each other if they're in cahoots with Satan or whatever. Nobody is fessing up.

A24

That night, William cries to God, acknowledging that him being prideful got his family kicked out of their old village, putting them in their current dilemma.

A24

Inside of the house, Katherine, the mother, has a hallucination/vision of Caleb and the baby sitting in her room. Caleb tells his mother that he has a book he wants her to look at, which she agrees to, but first she wants to feed the baby.

A24

Meanwhile, outside, we hear some thumping and rustling around, then the kids see a woman/witch drinking milk from a goat. Yep, she's slurpin' straight from the source.

A24

THE WITCH TURNS AROUND AND LAUGHS A HORRIFYING LAUGH. I FLINCHED AGAIN. I'LL BE SUING A24 FOR MENTAL ANGUISH.

A24

NOPE METER: 10/10

THEN, back inside the house, we see that Katherine isn't feeding the baby as she thinks, instead a crow is pecking at her breasts. HEY, ROBERT EGGERS, WHY?

A24

The next morning, William wakes up and sees carnage. Goats are destroyed, the kids are gone, and Thomasin is just now waking up.

A24

All of a sudden, William gets gored by Black Phillip. OH SHIT, is that goat actually Satan, or is he just an animal doing animal things?!

A24
  1. OK, BLACK PHILLIP THE GOAT DID THIS LITTLE DANCE AFTER GORING WILLIAM — IS HE ACTUALLY, TRULY, LEGITIMATELY A SATAN GOAT?

    A24
Oops. Something went wrong. Please try again later
Looks like we are having a problem on the server.
OK, BLACK PHILLIP THE GOAT DID THIS LITTLE DANCE AFTER GORING WILLIAM — IS HE ACTUALLY, TRULY, LEGITIMATELY A SATAN GOAT?
  1.  
    vote votes
    YES, THAT GOAT IS 100% SATAN
  2.  
    vote votes
    NOPE, JUST A GOAT BEING A GOAT

Katherine wakes up and heads outside. She sees her husband and the goats slaughtered, the twins missing, and Thomasin standing there, so she's fully convinced her daughter is a witch and attacks her.

A24

Thomasin manages to reach a weapon and defend herself, but her mother is relentless, leaving Thomasin with no choice but to kill her.

A24

Exhausted and alone, Thomasin rests. Later that night, Thomasin follows Black Phillip into a stable.

A24

So Thomasin is fully convinced Black Phillip is evil. She starts trying to get him to speak, asking if he understands English, hoping for a response. He isn't talking, so she goes to turn away.

A24

AND BLACK PHILLIP THE FUCKING GOAT SPEAKS BACK TO HER IN HIS SOFT, CREEPY, SATAN-Y VOICE. OH MY GOD, IT WAS THE GOAT ALL ALONG!

A24

Black Phillip's voice is terrifying as hell, just so you know. It's like if a demon made an ASMR version of "Wait (The Whisper Song)" by the Ying Yang Twins. Perhaps the most frightening moment of the movie thus far.

Black Phillip begins saying weird things, like asking Thomasin if she wants "the taste of butter," whatever that means.

A24

Black Phillip also asks Thomasin if she'd like "a pretty dress" or to "live deliciously" and I'm like WTF does that even mean, but Thomasin is like "Yep, I'm down!"

A24

"OH NO BABY, WHAT IS YOU DOIN'?" METER: 666/666

Since she agreed, Satan has her get naked and sign her name in some mysterious book, then he creeps around behind her in the form of a dark figure who you can faintly see on the right side of the image below thanks to Photoshop's brightness feature.

A24

Then, Black Phillip and Thomasin head out into the forest where she finds a bunch of naked witches doing some sort of Satan-infused ritual.

A24

THE WITCHES START LEVITATING INTO THE AIR.

A24

Finally, Thomasin begins to float, laughing as she ascends into the sky and that's it! THE END.

A24

FINAL THOUGHTS:

Energizer / Via energizer.com

REPRESSED MEMORY THIS MOVIE DUG UP: As a young child I once had a traumatic nightmare that I was being chased by a witch, and I always blamed THIS ENERGIZER BATTERY COMMERCIAL (watch at your own risk) for my fear of witches. I hadn't thought about it in years but shoutout to this movie for rekindling old horrors.

SCARY LEVEL: 9.4/10. There aren't a bunch of jump scares, but the score/sounds make this movie so eerie and uncomfortable. It's all extremely unsettling and sticks with you after the end credits. I haven't stopped thinking about this film despite immediately following it up with a Disney movie as a palate cleanser.

OVERALL RATING: 9.3/10. It's a very well-made movie and the story keeps your attention for the entire hour and a half.

IS THIS THE SCARIEST MOVIE OF THE 2010s?: It's disturbing, but I think Hereditary psychologically ruined me more than any other movie this decade. Honorable mention to Insidious and THIS scene from Paranormal Activity 4.

PREVIOUSLY WATCHED:

The Hole In The Ground on Amazon

Girl on the Third Floor on Amazon

Eli on Netflix

Eerie on Netflix

Secret Obsession on Netflix

Midsommar in theaters

Murder Mystery on Netflix

The Perfection on Netflix

The Wandering Earth on Netflix

The Silence on Netflix

Black Summer on Netflix

How It Ends on Netflix

Veronica on Netflix