76 Thoughts Everyone Has While Facebook Stalking Their Crush
The only reason you still have Facebook.
1. It's been like 24 hours, I can look and see what ~he's~ up to and not be totally creepy. Right???
2. Right, self.
3. Oh. My. God. NEW DEFAULT PICTURE, BLESS YOU MARK ZUCKERBERG.
4. I'm gonna like the shit out of this... in my head of course.
5. This needs to be full screen ASAP * click *
6. HOLY SHIT HE'S HOLDING A PUPPY.
7. Omg THIS TOTALLY MEANS HE GOT A PUPPY. * Swoon *
8. He HAS to be in a stable place if he's taking care of another life!
9. That is one fucking lucky puppy.
10. I wish he'd hold me like that.
11. Ugh why is there no caption? He's so mysterious it's like so hot.
12. Only 12 likes? DO OTHERS NOT SEE HIM HOLDING A FUCKING PUPPY?
13. I should I like it.
14. NO WAIT YOU LIKED HIS PAST 5 DEFAULTS.
15. Ugh his last default was totally cute too. * clicks right *
16. His hair was so perfect on January 7. No wonder it was his default for like a year. * clicks right*
17. I totally forgot he studied abroad in Europe! He's so cultured. *clicks right *
18. Omg I'm totally Benjamin Buttoning him right now. * clicks right *
19. Damn he has aged like really well. * clicks right *
20. LOLOL IT LOOKS LIKE HE'S PINCHING THE HOLLYWOOD SIGN! * clicks right *
21. Our babies would be so gifted if they had his eyes. * clicks right *
22. AW! THAT'S HIS MOM! He has to be a total sweetheart. * clicks right *
23. OMG HE HAS BRACES IN THIS PICTURE! * clicks right*
24. Oh! Back to that fucking dog who doesn't know how well it has it.
25. Wait I want to see how much he has changed since his first picture. * clicks left *
26. * clicks right *
27. * clicks left *
28. * clicks right *
29. Damn he's gonna be a total dilf one day.
30. * clicks left *
31. * clicks right *
32. Wait. WHO THE FUCK IS THIS BITCH COMMENTING "OMG" ON HIS PICTURE?! *clicks name*
33. I SWEAR TO GOD IF HE'S SEEING SOMEON--
34. Oh OK it's his married sister. PHEW.
35. K time to totally check out his timeline.
36. OHMYGAWD he went to the beach yesterday!
37. STOP EVERYTHING HE'S TAGGED IN A SWIMMING SUIT PICTURE.
38. HOLY PENIS LINES.
39. * saves picture to desktop *
40. Wait has he been working out?
41. Omg he totally started crossfit, didn't he?
42. I bet he's on that paleo diet.
43. Ugh I have to workout now if we're ever going to be a power couple.
44. Wait would he even be interested in me?
45. * looks in mirror *
46. * looks at shirtless pic *
47. * looks in mirror *
48. * sigh *
49. Maybe those abs on him are just good lighting.
50. K fuck this I'm getting out of this day at the beach FROM HELL.
51. Aw! His mom totally wrote on his wall for his birthday!
52. OMG I FORGOT IT WAS HIS BIRTHDAY LAST WEEK.
53. I'm such a terrible future boyfriend.
54. * keeps scrolling *
55. Oh he went to a Keith Urban concert. That's unexpected.
56. That's what I like about him, he's so unexpected.
57. Maybe he wants someone who is unexpected and that's why he's single.
58. I should totally poke him, that's unexpected.
59. Oh new notification.
60. MAYBE HE POKED ME FIRST.
61. FALSE ALRAM. STOP SENDING ME CANDY CRUSH INVITES, JANICE.
62. K, back to poking him…
63. Wait what's this "see friendship" button? * clicks *
64. Well this is dismal.
65. Aw our default pictures look really cute next to each other. SCREENSHOT!
66. Putting this on my vision board for sure.
67. Wait I wonder if he stalks me too.
68. OMG WHAT IF HE STALKS ME TOO AND OUR LIVES INTERTWINE LIKE IN A NICHOLAS SPARKS MOVIE!!! ! ! ! ! ! !!
69. * Googles how to see who has looked at your Facebook *
70. Damn, nothing.
71. Oh well, I know we're meant to be so it will all work out.
72. It's like 3 a.m. so I should probably go to bed.
73. Wait I want to look at those penis lines again.
75. * Kisses computer screen *
76. Goodnight, my one true love who I've only ever briefly met once.