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Animals March Madness, Round One: Quokkas Versus Cockatiels

Round one continues with some Australian alliteration.

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Exhibit A: Everyone knows what a cockatiel is. C'mon, who's never seen one of these guys?

Photo Credit: Larah McElroy via Compfight cc

Let's be serious: Nine out of ten of you are just learning that quokkas are a real animal. How do you even pronounce "quokka"? You've never heard of it before, it's got a novelty to it, sure — and it looks kind of cute. But remember your clichés here: Looks can be deceiving. Don't judge a book by its cover. Wolf in sheep's clothing. You know, all that jazz. —Cates Holderness

A: Hi, friends — please allow me to introduce you to the quokka. Let's be very quiet, because this one's sleeping.


Shhhhh, let's not wake him up! He needs his rest from a hard day of being super-cute. A bird person is going to say something now, but we will check back with the quokkas soon, don't worry! —Jack Shepherd


These ugly things, on the other hand...

Quokkas are basically rats. They're a poor man's wallaby. I mean, look: They even have rat tails. Yeah, they are always smiling. But what kind of sociopath is always smiling? That's some DSM-V diagnosable depravity. You think they're always happy? Wrong. Nothing is always happy. Welcome to Earth. They aren't always happy — they're probably plotting the violent deaths of you and your family. NEVER trust something that always smiles. I know a certain Batman villain that always smiles, and would you trust him? Clearly not.

Keep in mind, these hideous creatures are also marsupials, meaning they have pouches. God knows what they keep in those things. Probably anthrax. It's fair to assume that quokkas are one or more of the following: a) gross b) deadly C) abominations.

B: Oh, good, the quokkas are up and about. Did you know that quokkas are often referred to as "The Happiest Animal In The World"? This is because they fill their lives with love and laughter and because they have furry little faces and they know it.


Exhibit C: Cockatiels are demonstrably more clever than quokkas.

Have you ever seen a quokka play chess? No. No, you have not. This cockatiel is secretly laughing at the dog's use of the Steinitz Defense, which is a passive position and thus shall leave him vulnerable and have him in check in five moves.


And they are well-known for their beautiful voices.

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What kind of noises do quokkas make? No one knows, because no one's ever seen on of these things. Cockatiels, on the other hand, have lovely melodious voices capable of a range of sounds and songs. They're the John Williams of animals. No, strike that, they're hipper than that. They're the Skrillex of animals. Wait, less annoying than that. Look, the point is cockatiels can make a lot. of. sounds.


E: Because quokkas and cockatiels have similar-sounding names, people often have trouble telling the difference! If in doubt, look closely at their faces, and see if you can detect a winning smile. That one's your quokka.


Exhibit G: Cockatiels are basically tiny dinosaurs.

Now, I know I've already explained how quokkas are dangerous, depraved animals, but let's face it: Cockatiels are tiny dinosaurs who DON'T want to — and frankly couldn't — kill you. I mean, they can't get rabies. They're tiny dinosaurs who want to sit on your shoulder, cuddle with you, maybe chew on your hair a bit.

In fact, the most pissed off a cockatiel will get at you is to nibble you on a little bit. But let's be serious, how bad is a nibble? Clearly not that bad. Quokkas, on the other hand, have really big pointy teeth and the ability to bite hard.

G: Quokkas aren't much like dinosaurs at all. As mentioned earlier, they are unique. Here's a quokka who is almost finished eating his leaf.


You: How was that leaf, Mr. Quokka? Did you enjoy it?

Quokka: Yes, it was great!

You: Not to be rude, but does it bother you at all that you are unlike a dinosaur in every way?

Quokka: Not at all! I'm a quokka!

You: Hooray!!! I love you.

In summation: Cockatiels are tiny semi-domesticated dinosaurs who just want to be your friend. Quokkas on the other hand are unknown, terrifying marsupials who are in all likelihood plotting your violent death. Cockatiels rule, Q.E.D.