We're only a few days into February, and already we've heard plenty of memorable speeches from the many candidates running for president.
We've heard Donald Trump (sort of) call Ted Cruz a "pussy."
View this video on YouTube
We've seen Marco Rubio glitch-out not once...
View this video on YouTube
...but twice.
View this video on YouTube
And we've seen Hillary Clinton upstaged by a guy with stickers on his face.
But really, America? Is that the best you can do?
However, despite their best efforts, I would argue that no current candidate for president possesses the political rhetoric necessary to lead this country in the most dire of times.
And by "the most dire of times," I speak, of course, about the War of 1996.
For you younger millennials, let me break it down for you: In the summer of 1996, the cities of Washington D.C., New York, and Los Angeles were completely destroyed in a surprise alien invasion.
Mankind as we know it seemed all but doomed until this man, neo-hippie cable guy David Levinson, realized that like humans, the invading aliens were operating on Windows 95. In other words, a virus could defeat them.
Levinson's virus left the alien ships vulnerable. This meant that in order to the defeat the aliens, we needed fighter pilots around to world to simultaneously hit them with all the firepower we had.
That's where this man, President Thomas Whitmore, comes in.
In an impromptu address from a hangar at Area 51, just as pilots were beginning to man their fighter jets, President Whitmore delivered what has become known as simply "The Independence Day Speech."
View this video on YouTube
In just 158 words spoken in less than two minutes, President Whitmore brought the world together for one common cause: freedom.
Good morning. In less than an hour, aircraft from here will join others from around the world. And you will be launching the largest aerial battle in the history of mankind. "Mankind." That word should have new meaning for all of us today. We can't be consumed by our petty differences anymore. We will be united in our common interests. Perhaps it's fate that today is the Fourth of July, and you will once again be fighting for our freedom... Not from tyranny, oppression, or persecution... but from annihilation. We are fighting for our right to live. To exist. And should we win the day, the Fourth of July will no longer be known as an American holiday, but as the day the world declared in one voice: "We will not go quietly into the night!" We will not vanish without a fight! We're going to live on! We're going to survive! Today we celebrate our Independence Day!
Needless to say, we all know how it turned out for the aliens.
So this election season, as you choose between name-callers, bigots, over-promisers, liars, and mendacious racists...
Remember President Whitmore. He's a man who not only delivered the greatest speech in presidential history, but followed it up by jumping in a plane and firing missiles at aliens.
