1. When she reviewed 50 Shades of Grey:
50 Shades of Grey? Pretty tame. If Christian were a real sadist, he would've made her watch while he went through her Google search history!
2. When she got us excited for The Monthly Show with Bette Midler:
Hm. The Daily Show w/Bette Midler has a nice ring to it. Except for the "daily" part. I'd prefer The Monthly (Unless I'm On Vacation) Show.
3. When she compared her workout routine to BDSM:
Getting back in shape for my upcoming tour is killing me! After a workout, I'm like 50 Shades of Grey - in pain, in bed, and unable to move.
4. Or when she let us know how she really likes to exercise:
Working hard to get back in shape for upcoming tour; just bought heavier martini glasses to build upper body strength. It's worked before!
5. When she totally understood what the holidays are all about:
Happy Passover! Such a great tradition of getting together with friends and family and arguing about current events you sort of understand.
6. When she was as intrigued by a live-action Winnie the Pooh as we all are:
Disney is making a live-action "Winnie the Pooh" movie! I'd love to see that casting call, "Portly, hairy, must be willing to go pantsless."
7. When she considered entering the 2016 presidential race:
Everyone is announcing their run for Pres. Should the Divine throw her Pillbox in the ring? Top issue? Raise the effing minimum wage, OK??
8. When her bartending skills were on point:
New drink named after me; the Bette Muddler...crushed mint, mezcal and Metamucil...
9. When she was so subtle about her political affiliations:
Lenny Kravitz's penis slipped out on stage? So what? Wait for the GOP Debate on tonight - there will be 10 dicks on stage!
10. And when she was so humble about her birthday:
Beyonce fans threw a Bey Day celebrationfor her birthday; but you don't need to do that for me. Fireworks and a small parade will do.
11. When she weighed in on the insanity that is college tuition:
The White House launches a website to research colleges. You can now look up whether a college is unaffordable or extremely unaffordable.
12. When she served up some fashion advice:
I'm tired of all the attacks on Kim Davis's fashion choices. I mean, no outfit is going to look good when you accessorize with bigotry.
13. When she said this and we all agreed:
They found water on Mars? Big deal. Call me when they find gin.
14. When she was as devastated as we are that Helen Mirren will no longer do nude scenes:
Helen Mirren says she's retiring from doing nude scenes. Noooooo! ! I was looking forward to The Queen II: Regina's Vagina!
15. When she wanted Uncle Joe to quit being such a tease:
Biden has been dropping even more hints that he may enter the presidential race. Quit the teasing! You're giving the blue states blue balls!
16. When she said what we are ALL thinking:
What's that you say? Fast and the Furious has six sequels and Hocus Pocus has zero? #HocusPocus
17. When she considered a career change:
Scientists have discovered a comet that gives off alcohol. Well, if they find another that cuts up limes, sign me up for the space program!
18. When she was a champion for recycling:
I think it’s so chic to recycle your old looks. I just ran into someone I shan’t name who was wearing a face we haven't seen since 1995.
19. Part 2:
I'm wearing bits of old costumes. If I dress up in recycling I think I can get my husband to take me out once a week. At least to the curb.
20. When she gave Facebook its next opportunity for expansion:
.@Amazon now opening a brick-and-mortar store. What's next? @Facebook opening an auditorium for your uncle to shout about politics?
21. When she nobly tried to advance science:
A new study shows that Champagne can cure Alzheimer's. That's strange, whenever I finish a bottle of bubbly, I can't remember a damn thing!
22. When she made us rethink our Thanksgiving plans:
Thanksgiving is already next week! Lots of people like to eat until they pass out, but I’m stockpiling Ambien so I can pass out until I eat.
23. When she had this brilliant idea a little too late:
This year's biggest albums at #25 and #1989. Maybe I should have named my new #GiftOfLove album 69?
24. When she wasn't wrong about Cyber Monday:
Can we stop calling it #CyberMonday? It’s not catchy. It sounds like I’m trying to have Internet sex with #Apple customer service.
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