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15 Times Sex Was Just Weird AF

"We didn't have any condoms, so I wrapped myself up in a grocery bag!"

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We asked members of the BuzzFeed Community to tell us about their weirdest, most bizarre, or just damn awkward sex stories. Here's some of their responses...

1. The movie trivia.

"My partner decided to yell 'Get in the chopper' in an Arnold Schwarzenegger voice while doing me doggy style. I was not amused."

kelpotte

2. The white nosebleed.

"My bestie was giving her boyfriend head. She aspirated on his cum and it came out through her nose."

rachelrae

3. The MIA condom.

"The first time my husband and I had sex, it was amazing. Afterwards, I noticed I really had to pee. When I went, nothing really came out but I didn't think anything of it. When I woke up the next day, I had to pee terribly. I glanced down and noticed what I thought was a wad of toilet paper on my vagina. It turns out it wasn't toilet paper, it was the condom from twelve hours prior, hanging out of me. How had he not noticed his condom was MIA after we'd had sex?!?!?! Sure, it had been pitch black in the room, but still!"

lullabylisbet

4. The alternative forms of contraception.

"When I was a teacher, another teacher told this story to me: 'Miss! You would have been so proud of me and my girlfriend last night! We were having sex in the car but we didn't have any condoms, so I wrapped myself up in a grocery bag!'"

faygo8

5. The surprise threesome.

"My boyfriend and I were having sex and suddenly he freezes and says, 'Cocoa is licking my ass!' We had forgotten to put his bunny back in her cage before starting things."

maddyc4f87089d5

6. The silent but deadly.

"My boyfriend and I were going at it and I was in a position where air builds up. It was uncomfortable so he told me to push and I fanny farted. That's not even the cringey part. He silently farted at the same time and blamed the smell on me. I was mortified and refused to carry on. He told me the truth a while later."

jadeashleep

7. The breakfast request.

"My partner and I were having a quickie before getting up in the morning. He told me during sex not to put too much jam on his toast when I made the breakfast."

nilufar87

8. Just some normal sex.

"One night I complained to my boyfriend that we never had normal sex (because we pretty much only have sex when we're drunk). 20 minutes later he got on top of me and we started having sex. The whole time he kept saying, 'Wow, this is the most normal thing I have ever done' and 'isn't this so normal?' Instead of moaning he'd say 'uhhh... so normal.' Once he finished he rolled over and looked at me and said that we should have normal sex more often."

16579

9. The main course.

"Once I was with a guy and I went down on him to give him a blow job. My surprise came right after when he started to ask me to bite really hard (almost chew) his lil' friend."

anonymouspersonftw

10. The school performance.

"My (ex) boyfriend and I were secretly dating for over a month. I went to a very small Catholic high school where news travelled fast. One day, he and I were having rough sex and my phone was on the bed. Somehow during the vigorous movement, my phone dialled a friend who happened to be sitting in the student section at a big home game. They stayed on the line and my whole school, and even my mom had heard about the phone call within a day. I think even the teachers heard about it too because I received the weirdest looks from them for a few weeks after that. Guess my relationship wasn't a secret anymore."

carlyp45830c926

11. The post-race celebration.

"My girlfriend and I were having sex a couple of hours after I ran in a race. My knee gave out and I fell off the bed in the middle of it."

brig135

12. The toilet surprise.

"I was at a club and I really needed to pee. It was dark in the bathroom as if someone had turned out the lights. I walked up to the urinal and relieved myself. During this I felt a weird ball of hair approaching my hips into the urinal bowl. I tried to focus in the dark, and saw a head trying to give me blow job while I was peeing. I turned around in shock only to see this guy being did and two others waiting their turn. I didn't join in, honest!"

bjornw2

13. The messy foreplay.

"I was making out with a guy once and when he pulled back he had blood on his lip. I thought he maybe bit my lip or I bit his, but then he starting staring and pointing at my face in horror. I sat up and realised both my nostrils were gushing blood, so I ran to the bathroom topless and bleeding where I stayed for half an hour over the sink with my face covered in drying blood. It was a horror show."

–Ashley Westby, Facebook

14. The misheard dirty talk.

"My ex-boyfriend whispered 'bitch' during sex. I pretended I didn't hear and said 'huh?' and he goes 'babe, I said babe....'"

christiner41007db25

15. The mind-blowing performance.

"Before sucking my partner's dick, I tapped the head and said, 'Is this thing on'."

rachelg41653614d

Note: Submissions have been edited for length and/or clarity.

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