1."A student threw a dead bird at a girl's face during a test. He snuck it in during a fire drill and said he was saving it 'for just the right moment.' It was a class of AP seniors."
2."A little boy and little girl went into the bushes. The little boy started peeing. The little girl one-upped him and pooped in the bushes."
3."I found a student with his head in the urinal, licking it as the water was running. This was the first and hopefully last time I will ever have to say, 'We don't lick the urinal!'"
4."A student carried poop in from the bathroom and tried to finger paint with it."
5."I was teaching the class when I started hearing clucking noises. I assumed it was a weird text tone a student had. It wasn't his phone. He had a real, live chicken in his backpack."
6."I had a student try to stuff five pencils into her belly button while I was being observed teaching a lesson."
7."I teach preschool and I had a student who tried to cut off his friend's tongue with scissors three different times. He doesn't get scissors anymore."
8."My first-grade student was rummaging in his desk. I stuck out my hand and said, 'Give me the toy!' I looked down just as the student said with a giant, proud smile, 'It's my mom's!' It was a pink vibrator. I washed my hands 40 times."
9."I wrote a sophomore up for googling 'men moaning at the gym' and playing it on his classmate's computer at full volume.''
10."A few years ago, I had a kid make flame throwers with Axe and a lighter under his desk. He somehow thought I wouldn't notice that!"
11."I once had to say, 'No lap dance, please,' while substituting in seventh grade. It was a glorious day."
12."I had to tell a student in my anatomy class not to lick the pig hearts that had been sitting out all day. He licked them."
13."I once had to confiscate a kid's glass eye. He kept putting it under the desk and chairs while shouting, 'I can see you!'"
14."One of my students was taking a while in the bathroom. I found him completely naked while painting the walls with his shit and singing 'Itsy Bitsy Spider' at the top of his lungs."
15."I had to bust a kid in aftercare for trying to stuff a cricket into a younger girl's nose while she was napping."
16."I had to tell a second-grader, 'I don't understand why you're kissing my feet while I'm teaching right now.'"
17."One time, 20 boys in my class were throwing their shoes across the class to each other so they could smell them and determine who had the stinkiest feet."
18."A student went to his locker and apparently put on an inflatable sumo suit. I noticed when I heard a loud whirring sound. This kid was standing in the back next to an outlet so he could blow up his inflatable sumo suit."
19."When I taught eighth grade, a couple of boys brought hot sauce packets out to recess from the cafeteria and started chugging them until they threw up."
20."There was a popular trend among my sixth-graders of putting hand sanitizer in their eyes to see who could go the longest without crying."
21."I had a student start shucking and eating an ear of corn in the middle of a discussion of The Tempest last year."
22."I once had a student who would lick blood off other children. We had another student in that class who would pick her bug bites to the point of bleeding. Those two were best friends."
23."I called the parents of every girl in my class because they were playing 'pregnant strippers' on the tetherball poles."
24."One of my students picked a scab and used their blood to mark the bubbles of multiple choice answers on a test."
25."I had to tell a junior in high school that he could not start the microwave with his fidget spinner inside."
26."An eighth-grader was pretending to ice skate across the carpet wearing two Kleenex boxes as 'skates.' When I took them away, he shouted, 'You're killing my dream!'"
27."I had a student take off his pants and feed them into my paper shredder."
28."I had to yell at a student for farting on purpose and using a binder to blow it around."
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