The Disney musical Frozen came out last November, so you would think that it wouldn't be a big deal anymore...
But you'd be wrong. It turns out, the El Capitan Theatre in Los Angeles is doing sing-along screenings.
And because there is nothing adults love more than seeing a children's film with said children's film's biggest fans singing in their winsome childlike way, this seemed like the perfect opportunity for me to go see it for the first time — if only to evaluate "Let It Go," which I'm told is a gay anthem. Another thing I know about Frozen is that it's not focused on a princess getting with a prince, so I will also be looking for signs that the princesses are lesbians. JK JK. (Although, the single one wears gloves on her hands "for protection," so just let that marinate.)
This little kid sits across the aisle from me. I think she has seen Frozen before.
Kristen Bell, who voices Princess Anna, shows up wearing very sparkly silver high heels, which I guess is appropriate. And then THE TRAILERS START ROLLING.
There is a lot of excitement over this Cinderella teaser, which suggests that Cinderella's got a dead bug on her shoe. Kids, did you know butterflies eat decaying flesh? I notice there's a baby sitting in front of me who honestly looks like he'd been born too late to see Frozen in theaters nine months ago, so I guess that baby and I are in the same boat.
Before the movie starts, some white foam is sprayed on the audience.
The movie starts and immediately introduces us to this blond secondary character, who is incompetent at harvesting ice.
The children are not really that into the ice harvester song, but "Do You Want to Build a Snowman" gets everyone singing!
It turns out, Elsa has magic ice powers where she can make snow and things, and she and Anna go play in the ballroom. But there's an accident!
After many years of Elsa giving Anna the cold shoulder, Elsa's about to get coronated.
These two kids fall in love immediately and he proposes to her and she says yes.
But when Anna tells Elsa she's marrying this guy, Elsa gets pissed and accidentally brings an eternal winter onto their city and surrounding countryside.
Anna goes after her. She leaves Hans in charge of the government after telling him that her sister "would never hurt [her]."
While she's making her way toward her sister, Anna meets this guy Kristoff who helps her, but what's really important is that she meets Olaf.
But yeah, Kristoff. He is that child laborer from the opening scene, but he doesn't seem bitter about his lost childhood, just annoyed that his ice business is tanking in this winter.
Elsa, meanwhile, is looking great. She is loving life in that ice castle.
Anna shows up at the ice castle and she finds out her sister WOULD hurt her (as all people who have sisters know) because Elsa freezes Anna's heart!
Also, I notice that the door to the castle opens inward and think, That is not compliant with fire safety codes.
While the royal family kept their gates shut for all those years, Hans, as the interregnum stand-in, OFFERS THE CASTLE AS SHELTER.
That aside, turns out Hans is a grade-A dickwad who betrays Anna and leaves her to freeze to death.
Anna escapes from the castle and death at Hans' hand and sees Hans about to slay Elsa. So she throws herself in front of his sword to save her sister, even though she knows she'll freeze to death.
I start actually crying at this part. It's beautiful and sad!