These 60 Quotes From "What We Do In The Shadows" Made Me Ugly-Laugh In Public

    Sink your fangs into something funny.

    Anthony Orlando
    by Anthony Orlando

    BuzzFeed Contributor

    What We Do in the Shadows has become one of the most hilarious and well-written sitcoms in recent years.

    Nandor, Nadja, and Laszlo in "What We Do in the Shadows"
    FX / Via Hulu

    In the series, based on the film of the same name, Taika Waititi and Jemaine Clement present the story of four vampires and their human familiars enduring the trials and tribulations of living in modern America. Now that Season 4 has arrived, let's take a look at the 60 funniest quotes From What We Do in the Shadows.

    WARNING: SPOILERS AND MATURE CONTENT AHEAD!!!

    60. "Well, how am I going to eat if I don't prey on people, dummy?"-Nandor

    Nandor talking to Guillermo in "What We Do In the Shadows"
    FX / Via Hulu

    This is what Nandor imagines his "Eat, Pray, Love" tour will be like.

    59. Laszlo: "I'm not going to do this if your man's pissing on the wall."/Werewolf: "F**k off, you racist!"

    A werewolf peeing against a wall in "What We Do In the Shadows"
    FX / Via Hulu

    Vampire/werewolf relations in a nutshell.

    58. Nandor: "We need a plan for total domination."/Nadja: "We can poison the humans' milks with witch's piss."

    Nadja talking with Laszlo sitting next to her in "What We Do In the Shadows"
    FX / Via Hulu

    That'll make the U.S. surrender.

    57. Laszlo: "Good evening!"/Man: "Go back to your own country!"/Laszlo: "What the f**k did you just say?!"

    Laszlo and Nadja walking together in the night in "What We Do In the Shadows"
    FX / Via YouTube

    I think many people who live in America can relate to this moment.

    56. "No, Nandor. That’s the StairMaster: the master of the stairs."-Laszlo

    A high Nandor looking at the StairMaster in "What We Do In the Shadows"
    FX / Via Hulu

    You gotta love Laszlo when he's high.

    55. "One of the best ways to drain people's energy is via the internet." —Colin Robinson

    Colin Robinson at his computer, looking at the camera, in "What We Do in the Shadows"
    FX / Via Hulu

    Colin is always on the hunt for energy to feed on, leading him to become an internet troll. He has multiple computers set up so he can send annoying, mean, and offensive comments to people to get hits of energy. This eventually gets him into a fight with a literal troll, which sends the message that you should be careful about people you meet (or insult) online. 

    54. "Starting tomorrow, Colin Robinson's new motto is, 'Young, dumb, and full of cum.'"-Colin Robinson

    Colin lying in his bed in "What We Do In the Shadows"
    FX / Via Hulu

    R.I.P. Colin Robinson.

    53. "A joke has a punchline. And you wouldn't know a punchline if it ran over your scrotum with a penny-farthing!"-Nadja

    Nadja sitting with her doll next to Nandor and Laszlo in "What We Do In the Shadow"
    FX / Via Hulu

    Now that's how you tell a joke!

    52. "Has living in America made you a big wet pussy?"-Nadja

    Nadja looking down at Nandor's coffin in "What We Do In the Shadows"
    FX / Via Hulu

    Though Nadja has complained about the toxic masculinity in her household, it's moments like this that show she's not as different from her housemates as she likes to believe.

    51. "I spent a few of my younger years with Sigmund Freud while he was using cocaine and working on his theory that all neurosis is derived from what he called 'hand envy.' I remember taking a steam bath with the chap and my towel accidentally dropped and he caught sight of my rather generous John Thomas. He shrieked 'Eureka,' and then came up with 'penis envy.' Or what I like to call, 'wanting of the wang.'"-Laszlo

    Laszlo sitting in his house in "What We Do In the Shadows"
    FX / Via Hulu

    We need to start teaching this in psychology classes from now on.

    50. "Arise! Arise! What is 'arise' again? Control, alt, seven?"-Nandor

    Nandor looking down at his laptop in "What We Do In the Shadows"
    FX / Via Hulu

    It's so fun watching the vampires trying to use modern technology.

    49. "Listen, I don't know about you, but I'm very much in the mood for some sexual intercourse." —Laszlo

    Laszlo and Nadja walking together at night in "What We Do in the Shadows"
    FX / Via Hulu

    When is he not?

    48. "All I know is I haven't had a whiff of Wu or Tang!" —Laszlo

    Laszlo and Nadja sitting together at the theatre in "What We Do in the Shadows"
    FX / Via Hulu

    Even when he and his friends are captured and threatened with death, Laszlo can only think about erotica. Now you have to hope they'll get the Wu-Tang Clan to star as vampires next.

    47. "We sent ravens. We sent 500 RAVENS! I'm shocked and appalled that you didn't raven us back." —The Guide

    The Guide floating in the doorway in "What We Do in the Shadows"
    FX / Via Hulu

    So apparently, vampires use ravens instead of phones. Does that mean they use parrots as voicemails?

    46. "Pablo Picasso. More like Pablo Picasshole." —Nadja

    Nadja standing in front of a painting in "What We Do in the Shadows"
    FX / Via Hulu

    The number of clever one-liners this show comes up with is just incredible.

    45. "She speaks the bullshit." —Laszlo

    Nandor, Laszlo, Nadja, and the Baron's familiar at the Vampire Council in "What We Do in the Shadows"
    FX / Via Hulu

    When the vampires are put on trial for "vampicide," one of the witnesses argues against them, and Laszlo comes up with a hilarious counterargument.

    44. "I was a very ferocious soldier in the Ottoman Empire. Which meant a lot of killing, a lot of pillaging. People would say, 'Please don't pillage me!' And I would say, 'No, I'm pillaging everyone, you included.'" —Nandor

    Nandor in his armor talking to the camera in "What We Do in the Shadows"
    FX / Via Hulu

    The man doesn't discriminate. He pillages people equally.

    43. "I was relentless. They would call me Nandor the Relentless. Because I would just never relent." —Nandor

    An old portrait of Nandor in "What We Do in the Shadows"
    FX / Via Hulu

    That's a very succinct description of yourself.

    42. "If I find I'm in a situation where an idiot is complaining to me, you can either kill them or you can pretend to listen to them." —Nandor

    Nandor talking to the camera in "What We Do in the Shadows"
    FX / Via Hulu

    Good advice.

    41. "What kind of goat sorcery is this?" —Laszlo

    Laszlo being surrounding by a black and purple aura by Black Peter in "What We Do in the Shadows"
    FX / Via Hulu

    I don't think those words have ever been said in that order before.

    40. "Look at the pictures on the glass! It's the Jeebus man!" —Laszlo

    Stained glass windows at a church in "What We Do in the Shadows"
    FX / Via Hulu

    Everyone knows that vampires are afraid of anything holy and religious, and Laszlo perfectly expresses his fear of going into a church when Nandor decides to attend a funeral. He can't even say Jesus's name right.

    39. "We have total dominion from here to here!" —Laszlo

    Nadja and Laszlo looking down at a map in "What We Do in the Shadows"
    FX / Via Hulu

    The vampires barely have any territory in Staten Island, but the way Laszlo dramatically declares it is just hilarious.

    38. "Gizmo, get the dildos. Gizmo, try out the dildos. Hmm, how are the dildos? They're fine." —Guillermo

    Guillermo complaining to the camera in "What We Do in the Shadows"
    FX / Via youtube.com

    Gizmo really does a good impression of Laszlo.

    37. "Be strong, sweet little one. Someday they will all be dead and you will do a shit on all of their graves." —Nadja

    Nadja staring sadly through a window in "What We Do in the Shadows"
    FX / Via Hulu

    It's nice to see Nadja's compassionate side. When she comes across virgin LARPer Jenna (Beanie Feldstein), she takes pity on this young woman when she sees how the men in her life mistreat her. Though she eventually turns her into a murderous vampire, it's heartwarming to see Nadja looking out for her fellow woman.

    36. "You are supposed to support me when I want to murder someone!" —Nadja

    An angry Nadja floating in the air in "What We Do in the Shadows"
    FX / Via Hulu

    That's probably not how a healthy marriage works.

    35. The Baron: "You know what I've always wanted to try?" Laszlo: "Coprophilia." Laszlo: "No, pizza pie! Is it as wonderful as they say?" *Turns to Laszlo* "Coprophilia?"

    The Baron looking at Laszlo while with Nandor and Nadja in "What We Do in the Shadows"
    FX / Via Hulu

    For those of you who don't know what that word means, you're gonna have to look it up yourself. Be careful, though.

    34. "You people are as much fun as the plague. Remember the plague? And how much fun it was? That's this." —The Baron

    Nandor, Laszlo, Nadja, and the Baron sitting in a bar in "What We Do in the Shadows"
    FX / Via Hulu

    Veteran actor Doug Jones is hands down the best side character as Baron Afanas. He delivers each of his lines with wicked glee, and this is one of the Baron's best as the ancient vampire tries to loosen up and have a fun night.

    33. "If I ever find out who did it, I will take a dagger and stab them 5,000 times with this hand! Switch hands. And then stab them another 5,000 times!" —Garrett

    Garrett in a dungeon in "What We Do in the Shadows"
    FX / Via Hulu

    When Dave Bautista stars as a vampire wrongfully convicted for one of Laszlo's crimes, he makes a threat that is delivered in hilarious Bautista fashion. You can definitely hear Drax saying this.

    32. "We were so poor, we used to use donkey dung for fuel, and when the donkey dung ran out, we would have to burn the donkey." —Nadja

    Nadja talking to the camera in "What We Do in the Shadows"
    FX / Via Hulu

    Throughout the series, we see Nadja recount her struggles growing up in a poor village, and despite how sad they are, they are just nonsensical and hilarious. You have to wonder if Natasia Demetriou makes up all these stories on the spot during filming.

    31. Guillermo: "'Laszlo sucks,' backwards." Laszlo: "Laszlo doesn't suck! And if he did, he certainly wouldn't do it backwards!"

    Nandor, Laszlo, and Nadja standing together in "What We Do in the Shadows"
    FX / Via Hulu

    When the vampires' house becomes haunted by ghosts, one of them leaves a terrifying note for Laszlo. Of course, he misinterprets the message and gives us one of his cleverest comebacks ever.

    30. "She said that my pornos were boring, which is an unbelievable reaction. I showed her a century's worth of my pornos. That's a lot of porn. I don't think she followed the plots." —Laszlo

    Laszlo talking to the camera in the fancy room in "What We Do in the Shadows"
    FX / Via Hulu

    They all say they watch it for the plot, and they never do. But that porn parody of Seinfeld that Laszlo does looks promising.

    29. "Do you remember that first time we made love? It was so passionate, I accidentally cut off your head." —Nadja

    Nadja talking to Jeff in "What We Do in the Shadows"
    FX / Via youtube.com

    Everyone has bad experiences with their first time, but this is ridiculous.

    28. "There is nothing more devastating than finding out your husband has made porn...and it's so bloody boring." —Nadja

    Nadja talking to the camera in "What We Do in the Shadows"
    FX / Via Hulu

    Just when you think you know Nadja, she says something completely different. When Laszlo digs up his old "home movies" for their upcoming sex party, Nadja has some words of criticism for her husband that ultimately turn him off. Pun intended there.

    27. "Why aren't they wearing capes? Looks like anyone can be a vampire in Mana-hatta!" —Laszlo

    Nadja and Laszlo walking into a nightclub in "What We Do in the Shadows"
    FX / Via Hulu

    The way Matt Berry pronounces words while playing any of his characters is hysterical, and he delivers the goods as Laszlo when he and his friends visit a club in Mana-hatta.

    26. "You are just a lovely guy that I took very strong sex with a couple hundred thousand times, and then my husband cut your head off. Move on!" —Nadja

    Nadja talking to Jeff's spirit in "What We Do in the Shadows"
    FX / Via Hulu

    We've all had our hearts broken at least once in our lives, but the show takes it to a new level when Nadja drives away the spirit of her reincarnated lover after getting his head cut off for the millionth time.

    25. "It's a big, bloody stupid hat with a big, bloody stupid curse on it, and every time you wear it, something bloody stupid terrible happens!" —Nadja

    Laszlo, wearing his witch hat, talking to Nadja and Guillermo in "What We Do in the Shadows"
    FX / Via Hulu

    Laszlo has a hat made from a witch's skin, and he repeatedly insists that it isn't cursed, despite the many misfortunes it brings. Nadja hilariously sums up the hat's backstory and her frustration over it, and she hates it even more as the show goes on. We all have an outfit that a loved one doesn't like but we keep anyway, but none of them ever caused a nightclub to be burned down from a flaming arrow, as far as we know.

    24. "No, I know what you're bloody like! If you eat the mean one, you're gonna be mean all evening!" —Nadja

    Nadja, Laszlo, and Nandor floating and looking into a window in "What We Do in the Shadows"
    FX / Via Hulu

    She sure knows her husband.

    23. Nadja: "Have you gone soft, my sweet syrup pie?" Laszlo: "No, my sweet syrup pie, I've gone hard!"

    Nandor with Laszlo, who's talking to Nadja in "What We Do in the Shadows"
    FX / Via Hulu

    Laszlo just can't help but blurt out innuendos.

    22. "I am just a stupid human man. Oh, ouch, ouch, my balls. I love to drink beer." —Nadja

    Nadja smiling in "What We Do in the Shadows"
    FX / Via Hulu

    This is pretty much every human frat boy ever.

    21. "She used to be such a cute, little fresh-faced girl. But now she just looks like an elephant's knee." —Nadja

    Joanie sitting in a chair in "What We Do in the Shadows"
    FX / Via Hulu

    That's not a nice thing to say to a friend you used to terrorize when they were little.

    20. "Creepy paper. Creepy paper. Creepy-oh! Multipack!" —Nandor

    Nandor at a supermarket, picking up crepe paper, in "What We Do in the Shadows"
    FX / Via Hulu

    In classic Shadows fashion, we see Nandor shopping for party decorations at a supermarket, and this whole fish-out-of-water situation is too funny. And the way he pronounces "crepe paper" is just priceless.

    19. "I'll be honest with you. My lookalike is kind of giving me a chub." —Colin

    Colin Robinson and Nandor looking up at the theatre in "What We Do in the Shadows"
    FX / Via Hulu

    At least we know Colin has a good self-image.

    18. "No, no. Nandor, that's the Stairmaster, the master of the stairs." —Laszlo

    Nandor, high on drug blood, holding on to the Stairmaster, in "What We Do in the Shadows"
    FX / Via Hulu

    A pretty accurate statement from a guy who's high on drug blood.

    17. "How are you supposed to be a strong, thrilling, powerful warrior and love with a name like Jeff? It is like a weak ejaculation! Heh, heh, heh, heh, heh. Jeff." —Nadja

    Nadja scolding Jeff in "What We Do in the Shadows"
    FX / Via Hulu

    Only Nadja could make the name "Jeff" into an insult. After watching this episode, you will never be able not to think of it when the name comes up.

    16. "And we are truly sorry, and we are taking this very seriously, and these are our serious faces. Serious. Serious. Serious." —Laszlo

    Laszlo talking in a waiting room in "What We Do in the Shadows"
    FX / Via Hulu

    He doesn't sound very...what was the word, again?

    15. "It says I am 100% white." —Colin

    Colin Robinson holding up his ancestry report in "What We Do in the Shadows"
    FX / Via Hulu

    There is definitely no nuance to that.

    14. Colin: "This is science." Nandor: "But this is a turtle."

    Nandor, visibly stunned, sitting next to Colin Robinson in their hotel room in "What We Do in the Shadows"
    FX / Via Hulu

    When Colin tells Nandor about the big bang theory, they both go down a rabbit hole of scientific research that rocks Nandor's entire world. The science completely contradicts Nandor's religious view of how the world was held up by elephants sitting on the turtle, and this hilarious exchange sums up the difference between them.

    13. Laszlo: "Where did you get them from?" Guillermo: "Amazon, so..." Laszlo: "Well, then, you get in your car and drive them back to the Amazon!"

    Laszlo yelling at Guillermo, who is holding stakes in "What We Do in the Shadows
    FX / Via Hulu

    Never approach your vampire friends with a bundle of stakes, or else you'll really set them off.

    12. "I was doing the bloody disco a hundred years before any other f@#$er." —Laszlo

    Laszlo pointing at Nadja in "What We Do in the Shadows"
    FX / Via Hulu

    Do not mess with the tempo king.

    11. "He's as mad as a wax banana." —Laszlo

    Laszlo and Nandor at a convenience store in "What We Do in the Shadows"
    FX / Via Hulu

    It's unclear how he came up with this simile, but it is funny, nevertheless.

    10. "I talked to Rob. He didn't wanna come. He wants to leave it behind." —Evan the Immortal Princess of the Undead

    Evan talking to the Vampire Council in "What We Do in the Shadows"
    FX / Via Hulu

    When the vampires are put on trial by the Vampire Council, we see that it is made up of famous celebrities who have played vampires in the past, including the cast of the original Shadows film. However, we learn that Robert Pattinson didn't want to make an appearance, referencing his hatred of his iconic role in Twilight. It's a hilarious meta-joke that gets even funnier when we learn that Tom, Brad, and Kiefer couldn't come, either.

    9. "I have recently rediscovered my love for topiary sculpture: the art of bush manipulation." —Laszlo

    Laszlo talking to the camera in "What We Do in the Shadows"
    FX / Via Hulu

    Seriously, is everything in Laszlo's life sexual?

    8. "One human alcohol beer, please." —Jim the Vampire

    @theshadowsfx / Via Giphy

    Legendary actor Mark Hamill plays the role of Jim the Vampire with utter perfection, and we hope to see more of him pursuing Laszlo and drinking human alcohol beer.

    7. "It seems that, uh, government workers are immune to hypnotism. It's like their souls are dead or something." —Nandor

    Nandor looking at the camera in a bathroom in "What We Do in the Shadows"
    FX / Via Hulu

    Of course, he learns this while going through immigration services.

    6. "You are all such strong, beautiful, vicious, vibrant women. How did you all end up married to such boiled potatoes?" —Nadja

    Nadja standing in Sean's house in "What We Do in the Shadows"
    FX / Via Hulu

    I think just about every married woman on the planet has asked herself the same question.

    5. "I did apply for my American citizenship back in 1992 for five reasons and five reasons only: Johnson, Jordan, Bird, Barkley, Ewing." —Nandor

    Nandor in his "dunk zone" in "What We Do in the Shadows"
    FX / Via Hulu

    Who knew Nandor was so into basketball? When you think of vampires, you don't usually think of them as being into American sports. But it's another reason we just love Nandor the Relentless.

    4. "These poor women. They take a lovely, handsome chap from the street, make him their husband, and then, in the blinks of an eye, he becomes a big, lazy sack of shit. So sad." —Nadja

    Nadja talking to the camera in "What We Do in the Shadows"
    FX / Via Hulu

    So sad.

    3. "Now he's just gone up to a drunk man and he's drunk the drunk man's blood that has made him drunk." —Nandor

    Nandor talking to the camera in an alley in "What We Do in the Shadows"
    FX / Via Hulu

    Judging from that sentence, Nandor may have gotten a contact drunk.

    2. "We drunk the blood of some people, but the people were on drugs, and now I'm a wizard." —Nandor

    @theshadowsfx / Via Giphy

    It is just too funny to see the vampires partying with the Baron, mollied out of their minds.

    1. "F@$king guy!" —Nandor

    Nandor standing in the hallway of his house in "What We Do in the Shadows"
    FX / Via Hulu

    This line has been Nandor's catchphrase throughout the show, and it just gets funnier every time he says it. By itself, it's a guaranteed laugh, but the way actor Kayvan Novak says this line with his hilarious accent makes it even more memorable. Truly a line worthy of Nandor the Relentless.

    Do you agree with this list? Were there any quotes we missed? Please let us know in the comments section below!