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    These 60 Quotes From "What We Do In The Shadows" Made Me Ugly-Laugh In Public

    Sink your fangs into something funny.

    What We Do in the Shadows has become one of the most hilarious and well-written sitcoms in recent years.

    Nandor, Nadja, and Laszlo in "What We Do in the Shadows"

    60. "Well, how am I going to eat if I don't prey on people, dummy?"-Nandor

    Nandor talking to Guillermo in "What We Do In the Shadows"

    59. Laszlo: "I'm not going to do this if your man's pissing on the wall."/Werewolf: "F**k off, you racist!"

    A werewolf peeing against a wall in "What We Do In the Shadows"

    58. Nandor: "We need a plan for total domination."/Nadja: "We can poison the humans' milks with witch's piss."

    Nadja talking with Laszlo sitting next to her in "What We Do In the Shadows"

    57. Laszlo: "Good evening!"/Man: "Go back to your own country!"/Laszlo: "What the f**k did you just say?!"

    Laszlo and Nadja walking together in the night in "What We Do In the Shadows"

    56. "No, Nandor. That’s the StairMaster: the master of the stairs."-Laszlo

    A high Nandor looking at the StairMaster in "What We Do In the Shadows"

    55. "One of the best ways to drain people's energy is via the internet." —Colin Robinson

    Colin Robinson at his computer, looking at the camera, in "What We Do in the Shadows"

    54. "Starting tomorrow, Colin Robinson's new motto is, 'Young, dumb, and full of cum.'"-Colin Robinson

    Colin lying in his bed in "What We Do In the Shadows"

    53. "A joke has a punchline. And you wouldn't know a punchline if it ran over your scrotum with a penny-farthing!"-Nadja

    Nadja sitting with her doll next to Nandor and Laszlo in "What We Do In the Shadow"

    52. "Has living in America made you a big wet pussy?"-Nadja

    Nadja looking down at Nandor's coffin in "What We Do In the Shadows"

    51. "I spent a few of my younger years with Sigmund Freud while he was using cocaine and working on his theory that all neurosis is derived from what he called 'hand envy.' I remember taking a steam bath with the chap and my towel accidentally dropped and he caught sight of my rather generous John Thomas. He shrieked 'Eureka,' and then came up with 'penis envy.' Or what I like to call, 'wanting of the wang.'"-Laszlo

    Laszlo sitting in his house in "What We Do In the Shadows"

    50. "Arise! Arise! What is 'arise' again? Control, alt, seven?"-Nandor

    Nandor looking down at his laptop in "What We Do In the Shadows"

    49. "Listen, I don't know about you, but I'm very much in the mood for some sexual intercourse." —Laszlo

    Laszlo and Nadja walking together at night in "What We Do in the Shadows"

    48. "All I know is I haven't had a whiff of Wu or Tang!" —Laszlo

    Laszlo and Nadja sitting together at the theatre in "What We Do in the Shadows"

    47. "We sent ravens. We sent 500 RAVENS! I'm shocked and appalled that you didn't raven us back." —The Guide

    The Guide floating in the doorway in "What We Do in the Shadows"

    46. "Pablo Picasso. More like Pablo Picasshole." —Nadja

    Nadja standing in front of a painting in "What We Do in the Shadows"

    45. "She speaks the bullshit." —Laszlo

    Nandor, Laszlo, Nadja, and the Baron's familiar at the Vampire Council in "What We Do in the Shadows"

    44. "I was a very ferocious soldier in the Ottoman Empire. Which meant a lot of killing, a lot of pillaging. People would say, 'Please don't pillage me!' And I would say, 'No, I'm pillaging everyone, you included.'" —Nandor

    Nandor in his armor talking to the camera in "What We Do in the Shadows"

    43. "I was relentless. They would call me Nandor the Relentless. Because I would just never relent." —Nandor

    An old portrait of Nandor in "What We Do in the Shadows"

    42. "If I find I'm in a situation where an idiot is complaining to me, you can either kill them or you can pretend to listen to them." —Nandor

    Nandor talking to the camera in "What We Do in the Shadows"

    41. "What kind of goat sorcery is this?" —Laszlo

    Laszlo being surrounding by a black and purple aura by Black Peter in "What We Do in the Shadows"

    40. "Look at the pictures on the glass! It's the Jeebus man!" —Laszlo

    Stained glass windows at a church in "What We Do in the Shadows"

    39. "We have total dominion from here to here!" —Laszlo

    Nadja and Laszlo looking down at a map in "What We Do in the Shadows"

    38. "Gizmo, get the dildos. Gizmo, try out the dildos. Hmm, how are the dildos? They're fine." —Guillermo

    Guillermo complaining to the camera in "What We Do in the Shadows"

    37. "Be strong, sweet little one. Someday they will all be dead and you will do a shit on all of their graves." —Nadja

    Nadja staring sadly through a window in "What We Do in the Shadows"

    36. "You are supposed to support me when I want to murder someone!" —Nadja

    An angry Nadja floating in the air in "What We Do in the Shadows"

    35. The Baron: "You know what I've always wanted to try?" Laszlo: "Coprophilia." Laszlo: "No, pizza pie! Is it as wonderful as they say?" *Turns to Laszlo* "Coprophilia?"

    The Baron looking at Laszlo while with Nandor and Nadja in "What We Do in the Shadows"

    34. "You people are as much fun as the plague. Remember the plague? And how much fun it was? That's this." —The Baron

    Nandor, Laszlo, Nadja, and the Baron sitting in a bar in "What We Do in the Shadows"

    33. "If I ever find out who did it, I will take a dagger and stab them 5,000 times with this hand! Switch hands. And then stab them another 5,000 times!" —Garrett

    Garrett in a dungeon in "What We Do in the Shadows"

    32. "We were so poor, we used to use donkey dung for fuel, and when the donkey dung ran out, we would have to burn the donkey." —Nadja

    Nadja talking to the camera in "What We Do in the Shadows"

    31. Guillermo: "'Laszlo sucks,' backwards." Laszlo: "Laszlo doesn't suck! And if he did, he certainly wouldn't do it backwards!"

    Nandor, Laszlo, and Nadja standing together in "What We Do in the Shadows"

    30. "She said that my pornos were boring, which is an unbelievable reaction. I showed her a century's worth of my pornos. That's a lot of porn. I don't think she followed the plots." —Laszlo

    Laszlo talking to the camera in the fancy room in "What We Do in the Shadows"

    29. "Do you remember that first time we made love? It was so passionate, I accidentally cut off your head." —Nadja

    Nadja talking to Jeff in "What We Do in the Shadows"

    28. "There is nothing more devastating than finding out your husband has made porn...and it's so bloody boring." —Nadja

    Nadja talking to the camera in "What We Do in the Shadows"

    27. "Why aren't they wearing capes? Looks like anyone can be a vampire in Mana-hatta!" —Laszlo

    Nadja and Laszlo walking into a nightclub in "What We Do in the Shadows"

    26. "You are just a lovely guy that I took very strong sex with a couple hundred thousand times, and then my husband cut your head off. Move on!" —Nadja

    Nadja talking to Jeff's spirit in "What We Do in the Shadows"

    25. "It's a big, bloody stupid hat with a big, bloody stupid curse on it, and every time you wear it, something bloody stupid terrible happens!" —Nadja

    Laszlo, wearing his witch hat, talking to Nadja and Guillermo in "What We Do in the Shadows"

    24. "No, I know what you're bloody like! If you eat the mean one, you're gonna be mean all evening!" —Nadja

    Nadja, Laszlo, and Nandor floating and looking into a window in "What We Do in the Shadows"

    23. Nadja: "Have you gone soft, my sweet syrup pie?" Laszlo: "No, my sweet syrup pie, I've gone hard!"

    Nandor with Laszlo, who's talking to Nadja in "What We Do in the Shadows"

    22. "I am just a stupid human man. Oh, ouch, ouch, my balls. I love to drink beer." —Nadja

    Nadja smiling in "What We Do in the Shadows"

    21. "She used to be such a cute, little fresh-faced girl. But now she just looks like an elephant's knee." —Nadja

    Joanie sitting in a chair in "What We Do in the Shadows"

    20. "Creepy paper. Creepy paper. Creepy-oh! Multipack!" —Nandor

    Nandor at a supermarket, picking up crepe paper, in "What We Do in the Shadows"

    19. "I'll be honest with you. My lookalike is kind of giving me a chub." —Colin

    Colin Robinson and Nandor looking up at the theatre in "What We Do in the Shadows"

    18. "No, no. Nandor, that's the Stairmaster, the master of the stairs." —Laszlo

    Nandor, high on drug blood, holding on to the Stairmaster, in "What We Do in the Shadows"

    17. "How are you supposed to be a strong, thrilling, powerful warrior and love with a name like Jeff? It is like a weak ejaculation! Heh, heh, heh, heh, heh. Jeff." —Nadja

    Nadja scolding Jeff in "What We Do in the Shadows"

    16. "And we are truly sorry, and we are taking this very seriously, and these are our serious faces. Serious. Serious. Serious." —Laszlo

    Laszlo talking in a waiting room in "What We Do in the Shadows"

    15. "It says I am 100% white." —Colin

    Colin Robinson holding up his ancestry report in "What We Do in the Shadows"

    14. Colin: "This is science." Nandor: "But this is a turtle."

    Nandor, visibly stunned, sitting next to Colin Robinson in their hotel room in "What We Do in the Shadows"

    13. Laszlo: "Where did you get them from?" Guillermo: "Amazon, so..." Laszlo: "Well, then, you get in your car and drive them back to the Amazon!"

    Laszlo yelling at Guillermo, who is holding stakes in "What We Do in the Shadows

    12. "I was doing the bloody disco a hundred years before any other f@#$er." —Laszlo

    Laszlo pointing at Nadja in "What We Do in the Shadows"

    11. "He's as mad as a wax banana." —Laszlo

    Laszlo and Nandor at a convenience store in "What We Do in the Shadows"

    10. "I talked to Rob. He didn't wanna come. He wants to leave it behind." —Evan the Immortal Princess of the Undead

    Evan talking to the Vampire Council in "What We Do in the Shadows"

    9. "I have recently rediscovered my love for topiary sculpture: the art of bush manipulation." —Laszlo

    Laszlo talking to the camera in "What We Do in the Shadows"

    8. "One human alcohol beer, please." —Jim the Vampire

    7. "It seems that, uh, government workers are immune to hypnotism. It's like their souls are dead or something." —Nandor

    Nandor looking at the camera in a bathroom in "What We Do in the Shadows"

    6. "You are all such strong, beautiful, vicious, vibrant women. How did you all end up married to such boiled potatoes?" —Nadja

    Nadja standing in Sean's house in "What We Do in the Shadows"

    5. "I did apply for my American citizenship back in 1992 for five reasons and five reasons only: Johnson, Jordan, Bird, Barkley, Ewing." —Nandor

    Nandor in his "dunk zone" in "What We Do in the Shadows"

    4. "These poor women. They take a lovely, handsome chap from the street, make him their husband, and then, in the blinks of an eye, he becomes a big, lazy sack of shit. So sad." —Nadja

    Nadja talking to the camera in "What We Do in the Shadows"

    3. "Now he's just gone up to a drunk man and he's drunk the drunk man's blood that has made him drunk." —Nandor

    Nandor talking to the camera in an alley in "What We Do in the Shadows"

    2. "We drunk the blood of some people, but the people were on drugs, and now I'm a wizard." —Nandor

    1. "F@$king guy!" —Nandor

    Nandor standing in the hallway of his house in "What We Do in the Shadows"

    Do you agree with this list? Were there any quotes we missed? Please let us know in the comments section below!