Season 1, Episode 1
Season 1, Episode 2
Jess: $550 for the TV?! Seems a little steep. I'm gonna write down a figure, and this is as high as I'll go.
Pawn Shop Guy: You drew a smiley face.
Season 1, Episode 3
Jess: So when I do the chicken dance, I do it a little differently. Instead of doing claps, I like to do a peck. It's more realistic.
Season 1, Episode 4
Season 1, Episode 5
Cece: I really felt that Gavin was different. Didn't you feel like Gavin was different?
Jess: Yeah, I mean he seemed like a really nice...European DJ with a face tattoo.
Season 1, Episode 6
Nick: We're just gonna watch football, drink beer, and then we're going to Best Buy later for Black Friday.
Winston: Or as I like to call it, Friday.
Season 1, Episode 7
Winston: "Eye of the Tiger" ended the cold war.
Jess: That's not even a little bit true.
Season 1, Episode 8
Nick: Yep, that's your baby. It's cute. Yeah, your baby's cute.
Season 1, Episode 9
Nick: Has Jess not talked to you?
Paul: Oh yeah, we've talked.
Nick: It's hard, it's really tricky. It's like, she's doesn't love you right now, Paul, that's not to say she might not fall in love with you later.
Paul: We talked about how we might have to drive you to the airport because you're gonna miss your flight.
Nick: Yeah, that's probably all you talked about so I'm joking.
Season 1, Episode 10
Season 1, Episode 11
Schmidt: Can someone please get my towel? It's in my room next to my Irish walking cape.
Season 1, Episode 12
Nick: Any time a man wants to show a woman how to do something from behind it's just because he wants an excuse to get real close and breathe on her neck. Watch any sports movie.
Season 1, Episode 13
Season 1, Episode 14
Schmidt: I'm like a sexual snowflake. Each night with me is a unique experience.
Season 1, Episode 15
Nick: I don't have a vagina.
Patient: You can take mine.
Jess: I heard that, sister.
Patient: True that.
Season 1, Episode 16
Season 1, Episode 17/18
Nick: I want to kill you, because I respect you. Jess! I think I understand hunting!
Season 1, Episode 19
Nadia: Jew in the couch!
CeCe: Nadia, American manners!
Nadia: Sorry. Jew person in couch.
Schmidt: She's not wrong.
Season 1, Episode 20
Season 1, Episode 21
Jess: Nick, put on some pants or at least some really high socks.
Nick: Really high socks it is, then!
Season 1, Episode 22
Schmidt: You like me? You like my personality?
CeCe: I was surprised too.
Season 1, Episode 23
Schmidt: Old people freak me out. With their hands and their legs. They're like the people version of pleated pants.
Season 1, Episode 24
Season 2, Episode 1
Schmidt: I know what you're thinking and the answer is yes, I have been able to reach completion with some very precise and vigorous nipple play.
Season 2, Episode 2
Jess: I had the best sex of my life last night.
Nick: Oh so that was you? I thought it was a couple bums fighting.
Jess: It wasn't. It was me. Having sex. I left my body, went up to heaven, saw my grandparents, thought it was weird that I saw my grandparents, came back down. I became a werewolf, I scared some teenagers. I came back into my body. Only thing is, he thinks my name is Katie and that I'm a dancer and/or something involving puppets.
Season 2, Episode 3
Jess: I don't want to kiss and tell, but I ruined my dresser during intercourse. Will you go to Ikea with me?
Nick: Yeah, sure. I'm not doing anything today.
Season 2, Episode 4
Winston: They call me Prank Sinatra!
Nick: No, you call you Prank Sinatra!
Season 2, Episode 5
Season 2, Episode 6
Nick: I didn't punch a girl. I punched a horrifying monster. You of all people should know this, Frankenstein!
Frankenstein: You're the real monster!
Season 2, Episode 7
Nick: No part of this conversation is making me want to boil over with rage.
Season 2, Episode 8
Big Schmidt: Nice squeeze bottle work there, Bobby Flay.
Schmidt: He is still relevant!
Big Schmidt: Where? Phoenix?
Season 2, Episode 9
Jess: You care about burritos more than my children?
Nick: You're putting me in a tough spot right now!
Season 2, Episode 10
Schmidt: Everybody hates the Jews! Your mom's in the majority. I'll convert to Indianism!
Season 2, Episode 11
Season 2, Episode 12
Winston: There's nothing like the feel of a fire, a fresh baked cookie and the sweet, sweet taste of crack in your lungs.
Season 2, Episode 13
Schmidt: I had only sari-related sexual ideas. Monsoon Bedding, Best Erotic Maribone Hotel, Slum-Doggystyle Millionaire!
Season 2, Episode 14
Schmidt: Winston said you make fun of my gremlin toenails. That you call them clickety-clacks or centaur boots.
Season 2, Episode 15
Schmidt: I'm gonna have sex tonight. Are you two in?
Winston: Is that the way you wanted to say that?
Season 2, Episode 16
Jess: I just wanted to listen to Taylor Swift alone!
Season 2, Episode 17
Season 2, Episode 18
Jess: I wish I knew what was going on in Nick's head. He's like a...grumpy mystery.
Season 2, Episode 19
Schmidt: There are plenty of things to be down about: The deficit, air pollution in China, The Hobbit wasn't very good...
Season 2, Episode 20
Jess: I didn't really know your dad, except for that one hour when I committed fraud with him.
Nick: That's all there is to know.
Season 2, Episode 21
Nick: Schmidt, I have to ask you a favor. It's about my clothes.
Schmidt: Burn them! Burn them all!
Season 2, Episode 22
Schmidt: I can do anything I put my mind to. I once figured out Alyssa Milano's phone number just by randomly choosing numbers.
Season 2, Episode 23
Prostitute: Aren't you a virgin, too?
Winston: Just my penis, baby. Just my penis.
Season 2, Episode 24
Principal: We used to have a school goat named Melvin. He hung himself, tragically, on the swing set.
Season 2, Episode 25
Season 3, Episode 1
Jess: How many times a day does Schmidt text you?
Nick: Oh, no, just like...40.
Season 3, Episode 2
Schmidt: No sig oths.
Cece: Just say "significant others."
Schmidt: Maybe you have that kind of time, but I'm on a tight sched.
Season 3, Episode 3
Nick: I'm not convinced I know how to read, I've just memorized a lot of words.
Season 3, Episode 4
Nick: It's Schmidt we're talking about here. After we saw the movie "Titanic," he started the Billy Zane Fan Club.
Nick: Look it up. They're called Zane-iacs.
Season 3, Episode 5
Jess: My boyfriend doesn't believe in banks. It's early in the relationship. I'm still shaving above the knee. Know what I mean?
Season 3, Episode 6
Winston: Schmidt, you can't move out! Who's gonna do my fades?!
Jess: Yeah, who's gonna do his fades?!
Season 3, Episode 7
Jess: Nick doesn't have a life plan. He doesn't have a day plan. I once found a note that he wrote to himself that said, "Put on pants."
Season 3, Episode 8
Schmidt: Did I leave my Oakland Raiders yarmulke over there?
Season 3, Episode 9
Season 3, Episode 10
Nick: Guys, we've gone soft! With our antibiotics and our sports creams!
Season 3, Episode 11
Jess: So Nick doesn't have a traditional career.
Nick: Or is it the MOST traditional career? Or am I thinking of prostitution?
Season 3, Episode 12
Jess: Do not challenge me to a sex stand-off. I can channel all of my sexual energy into knitting. How do you think I made it through high school?
Season 3, Episode 13
Season 3, Episode 14
Jess: Nick, I never thought I'd say this, but I need to be alone with Prince.
Season 3, Episode 15
Nick: Men don't talk to people they've dated, unless they want sex, or they're Winston.
Winston: I also want sex.
Season 3, Episodes 16-18
Schmidt: It's a bar mitzvah!
Nick: I am NOT watching a kid get circumcised.
Season 3, Episode 19
Nick: Schmidt fired me and now I'll never get to use this briefcase I bought and it was $19!
Season 3, Episode 20
Nick: There is something serious I have to tell you about the future. The name of my first-born child needs to be Reginald VelJohnson — I lost a bet to Schmidt.
Season 3, Episode 21
Jess: Nick calls birds "wind-mice." Nick says "yahtzee" when he climaxes. He calls turtles "shell-beavers."
Nick: Well, that's what they should be called.
Season 3, Episode 22
Schmidt: I'm like a Hebrew cheetah.
Season 3, Episode 23
Winston: That's like the president and the vice president not being best friends.
Nick: They're not best friends.
Winston: Come on, everybody knows they're best friends.
Season 4, Episode 1
Season 4, Episode 2
Jess: Are you insane, Schmidt? I'm not ready. That's like taking a musical from rehearsal straight to Broadway. You gotta workshop it first!
Schmidt: If you are for one second suggesting that I don't know how to open a musical, how dare you!
Season 4, Episode 3
Nick: Sponges make me feel exhilarated.
Season 4, Episode 4
Jess: You guys are ruling women out based on their breast size? It's the least important part of a woman's body! Unless you're a baby. Are you guys babies?
Season 4, Episode 5
Season 4, Episode 6
I once tried on my girl cousin's wool tights and I didn't hate how it felt.
Season 4, Episode 7
Jess: Nick! You're gay.
Jess: You're gay. Be gay. Be gay. Be gay.
Season 4, Episode 8
Coach: You guys want to stop on the way home and get some pancakes? Hey, what do you call them in England?
Season 4, Episode 9
Schmidt: We'll be celebrating Bangsgiving!
Season 4, Episode 10
Season 4, Episode 11
Jess: I'll take the strongest drink you have, and also a wine spritzer on the side in case I don't like it.
Season 4, Episode 12
Nick: I can't go to jail! I'm too sarcastic for the white gangs!
Season 4, Episode 13
Schmidt: Come on Gina, give me a shot at red potatoes.
Gina: No way, 'cause I need ya. You're the best sort of mid-level employee I've ever had. You are the ass to my horse and I'm gonna keep you right here, right by my side where I can find ya, forever.
Season 4, Episode 14
Schmidt: Don't speak to me until bedtime!
Nick: If you think we're going to have a bedtime chat, you're out of your mind!
Schmidt: We'll lay in bed, we'll just go over the day like we usually do and that'll be it.
Nick: Fine! We'll do that for a little bit and that's it.
Season 4, Episode 15
Nick: She's got a lot of hair, and it blocks sound. It happened when we were dating, like, all the time.
Season 4, Episode 16
Season 4, Episode 17
Schmidt: Ahh! A spider!
Nick: Jess, why did you do that? You know how he gets, he turns into a cartoon elephant of yesteryear who just saw a mouse.
Season 4, Episode 18
CeCe: We need to go. Walk of shame. Let's make a move.
Jess: Why do women have to have a label for going home in the morning, when for men it's just going home?
Season 4, Episode 19
Nick: Can I get an alcohol?
Season 4, Episode 20
Jess: Look! It's a baby bird! Oh, it's a dead baby bird. I need to move on before I get emotional.
Season 4, Episode 21
Nick: You treat an outside wound with rubbing alcohol; you treat an inside wound with drinking alcohol. Science.
Season 4, Episode 22
Season 5, Episode 1
Schmidt: CeCe's mom is really excited that her sexy little bronco has finally found a cowboy that can tame her. I'm paraphrasing.
Season 5, Episode 2
Schmidt: A bar isn't just a place of business, it's a place for people. Which is something I truly hate about it.
Season 5, Episode 3
Jess: OK, yes, she's a hot slob. Ever since she got boobs people stopped making her do stuff.
Season 5, Episode 4
Nick: I'm very focused.
Schmidt: You're not even looking at me right now.
Nick: I though I saw something shiny.
Season 5, Episode 5
Nick: I'm trying my hardest to look poor.
Winston: You are poor.
Season 5, Episode 6
Schmidt: I simply want a demographic breakdown of all the guys who hit on you.
Season 5, Episode 7
Nick: Yeah, I'd trust Beyoncé with my life.
Season 5, Episode 8
Reagan: Have either of you ever made a decision in your lives?
Nick: Of course we make decisions. How do you think I'm wearing clothes right now?
Schmidt: I lay those out for you Nick.