1. Hey there everybody. It's me, ya boy. Remember when we did these little recaps last season?
2. Actually I don't because the last new Game of Thrones episode aired in 2017. IT IS NOW 2019.
3. I've aged decades while waiting for Season 8. I've grown a long beard. I'm Robin Williams in Jumanji, screaming, "WHAT YEAR IS IT?!"
4. But here we are. And finally, we get to watch the premiere of the FINAL season of our favorite show about dragons and incest!
5. Well, as long as the HBO Now servers don't fail.
6. Let's see...when we last left off, Dany and Jon boinked on a boat, Viserion blasted the wall down, Tormund was there which is not good for Tormund, Jaime gave Cersei the finger and went up north, and Arya and Sansa had FINALLY gotten rid of Littlefinger. Is that about it?
7. Oh my god the servers are actually working, HERE WE GO!
8. New map location! "Last Hearth." Looks...snowy.
9. Whoa, the opening credits are way more detailed this season! We're going inside the tiny buildings. I love it.
10. Give me a tiny Iron Throne that snaps into place like that. I'll pay good money. I'll give you all the chickens I have.
11. Arya looks smug and unimpressed with the Unsullied.
12. JON AND DANY! Never have an aunt and nephew looked so good together. Ugh.
13. Oh my GOD, Arya has already seen both the Hound AND Gendry and we're less than eight minutes in.
14. We've also heard Tyrion say "balls" at least three times. Still about eight minutes in.
15. That shot of the dragons over Winterfell. YES.
16. I love how all the Stark siblings can immediately tell that Bran's gotten ~weird~.
17. He's also great at ruining moods hahaha.
18. There are so many children running their Houses these days.
19. Lord Umber has nothing on Lyanna fuckin' Mormont! Still serving up sass.
20. Tyrion speech time!
21. "And soon the Lannister army..." "BOOOOO!"
22. Oof, forgot that Tyrion and Sansa were reuniting today.
23. Between "depends on the queen" and "it had its moments," Sansa is on FIRE right now.
24. Literally could watch Arya and Jon talk about swords for a full 60 minutes.
25. Right, I forgot how much I hate Euron.
26. But I do enjoy Cersei asking for elephants.
27. "Did you bring the elephants?" "Lady we came here on boats, the fuck you think?"
28. Poor Bronn. No castle, and now he's getting cockblocked by Qyburn.
29. And now he's supposed to kill Tyrion?! Absolutely not.
30. The crossbow was a nice touch though.
31. OH SHIT THEON!
32. Theon, you did something right. For once.
33. Still deserved the headbutt.
34. I sincerely hope Yara's "but kill the bastards anyway" becomes an official part of their motto.
35. "They do make a handsome couple." Everybody's gonna be so disappointed hahahaha.
36. "They don't like the North." Yeah, or maybe their brother died and they're SAD, DAENERYS.
37. JON'S GONNA RIDE A DRAGON!
38. Gotta admit, that Stark cape flutters beautifully in the wind.
39. Anybody getting some major Hiccup/Toothless vibes here?
40. How To Train Your Slightly Depressed, Murderous Dragon.
41. Girl don't even joke about hiding in a cave with Jon. He knows caves.
42. I think "you're a cold little bitch, aren't ya?" is the closest the Hound has ever gotten to complimenting someone.
43. Dying of the cuteness with Arya and Gendry.
44. Arya has blueprints for fancy weapons. She's gone full Batman.
45. Is it me, or has House Glover consistently been a pain in the ass?
46. "No, she's much prettier." See? On FIRE today.
47. Sam asking for a pardon for his library late fees is so damn cute.
48. Oh my god. Poor Sam. My heart. But I'm also dying because this is like that scene in Robin Hood: Men In Tights.
49. That was exactly as awkward as I thought it'd be. Oof.
50. Oh, so Sam just learned that his dad and brother got fricasseed and now HE'S the one who has to tell Jon that he's banging his aunt?
51. At least he managed to do it very dramatically.
52. "You're Aegon Targaryen, true heir to the Iron Throne." CHILLS.
53. Poor Jon. All he ever wanted was to just live on the Wall, maybe be a ranger, ride some horses. Now look at him.
54. Oh thank god! Tormund's alive.
55. So's Beric, though I care less about that.
56. Beric has fire magic to light a flaming sword and he's using it as a frickin' torch. Absolute legend.
57. THE KID. TURN AROUND.
58. HOLY FUCK.
59. Well damn. See, this is what happens when you put children in charge of your Houses.
60. Bearded Traveling Jaime is somehow even MORE handsome.
61. Oh no. He's gonna see Bran.
62. In an episode full of awkward reunions, this is perhaps the most awkward.
63. Oof.
