23 Irresistibly Weird Books You Won't Believe Actually Exist
"I decided to order this book because my cat was out of control; promiscuous, a gun nut, and using the internet unsafely..."
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1. This coloring book exposes unicorns for what they really are: majestic, but utterly rude creatures who eat your leftovers.
...without permission.
Promising review: "This coloring book saved my business. Our firm was on the verge of hiring a unicorn as our new public relations rep. At first, it seemed like a dream come true, what with his magical rainbow mane and shimmering eyes. After reading this book, we decided to do a little more digging on our potential new hire — and I'm so glad we did! This guy turned out to be a notorious ringleader in a human trafficking scandal! Bad news folks! He was using his irresistible horn to lure young children away into a life of depravity and abuse! We owe everything to this important publication. It's really so much more than a coloring book, it's a public service announcement. Don't trust unicorns! Period!" —C. Boustead
Get it from Amazon for $7.99.
2. Dancing With Jesus is a service book that teaches you how to get down as if none of your disciples are watching.
Dance moves include, but are not limited to, "The Water Walk," "The Carpenter Clog," and "The Apostolic Conga."
Promising review: "I knew Jesus could raise the dead, but I didn't know He could also drop it like it's hot! This is Holy Spirited fun for everyone; turn some water into wine, pass around the loaves and fishes, and get down with your disciples!" —Patricia M Foley
Get it from Amazon for $9.84.
3. This handy guide is like Dr. Phil for your troubled cat — a foolproof way to help felines preserve their nine lives.
Promising review: "I decided to order this because my cat was out of control; promiscuous, a gun nut, and using the internet unsafely. I read her this book over the course of a month, and did some activities. I now have a well adjusted, polite, safe cat who enjoys life the way it was meant to be. Thank you." —Amazon Customer
Get it from Amazon for $8.60.
4. All My Friends Are Dead draws attention to everyday suffering you don't think about, like the sock who loses his soulmate.
Serious question — where do all missing socks go? Is there a sock heaven?
Promising review: "This book is a great litmus test. Show this book to someone, and see if they have the sagacity and intelligence to appreciate the stoic humor that this book presents. If they frown and pooh-pooh this book, avoid those people because they're probably not going to be very good company." —Amazonian
Get it from Amazon for $9.83.
5. This sad activity book doesn't give directions on how to steal the Declaration of Independence. Rude.
It does, however, include games, puzzles, and coloring pages!
Promising review: "This product is a little weird, but also quite awesome. There is not a lot I can say about it — great product if you love Nicholas Cage." —Tammie Powers
Get it from Amazon for $10.70.
6. I Could Pee On This is a collection of poems (written by cats) that reveals the daily struggle of our feline friends.
Promising review: "Only a cat could have written this treasury of cat-think. Poetry and prose certain to entertain and amuse every cat lover, even the human ones. The type is large enough for a geezer (like my person) to enjoy, even in less-than-adequate light. Cat portraits showing our furry brethren in cute and/or compromising poses illustrate the pages." —Jac William Stein
Get it from Amazon for $9.32.
7. This handy guide will prepare you for the inevitable uprising of the garden gnomes. It's only a matter of time...
Promising review: "In an uncertain world, you can never be too prepared. This book has helped me fully prepare for all the possibilities of a garden gnome attack. When the inevitable occurs, I'll be their queen — thanks to the helpful tips in this book. I just urge you all to read it before it's too late..." —Laney
Get it on Amazon for $11.39.
8. This coloring book recognizes the hard-working, often underpaid dinosaurs that keep our world spinning.
9. These heartwarming letters, written by canines, express the biggest mistakes our doggy friends have made.
For example, eating your $200 running shoes, etc.
Promising review: "A rendering of the poignant thoughts offered by our dogs is now being shared with us mere humans. Unparalleled in its simple poetry, this moving entry will soon become a popular genre of smart alec comments from our pets." —frumwannabe
Get it from Amazon for $9.99.
10. This instructional book is great for when your day job doesn't provide the finances necessary to buy the 37 dogs you need in your life.
11. This book is full of life lessons and important tidbits of information, such as "8 Ways to Tell if Your Loved One Plans to Eat You."
Promising review: "When I was five, I found myself lost on the wrong side of the tracks in our town's aquatic mammal district. I feared for my life as I tried to find my way home past the piercing, judgmental eyes of distrustful porpoises and narwhals. I made a wrong turn and ended up in an alleyway surrounded by bottlenose dolphins. They stole my Super Mario Brothers wallet that contained $3.49 and a coupon for a free cheeseburger and large Coca-Cola product. I will never be able to forget the feeling of those moist flippers slapping me around. I was only able to wrestle myself free by punching one of them in the blowhole. I escaped while they were distracted and was able to make it home without further harm. For this, I have my own personal sixth reason to punch a dolphin in the mouth; sweet, sweet revenge." —Poisonous Monkey
Get it from Amazon for $11.26.
12. This passion-filled romance novel is brought to you by the writer behind "Fifty Shades of Nay."
Remember — don't judge a book by its cover.
Promising review: "From the creators of Fifty Shades of Hay: For years, Mr. Horseman trotted through life with a long face, until he met Kathryn, a lonely woman pasture prime. Saddle up for a rodeo of emotions and personal development as they start a forbidden fling of just horsing around, only to find an unexpected, stable relationship — neigh, only to find love. With a spurned heart, Kathryn must decide whether to follow social norms or be with the horse-man she loves. The stress eventually becomes to much in the end however, and Kathryn and Mr. Horseman's love doesn't last furlong. Kathryn finds out she's not his mane partner, and their seemingly everlasting affair turns into a real night-mare." —Wesley Mucke
Get it from Amazon for $11.18.
13. Farting Animals is a revolutionary coloring book that finally brings to light a very sensitive issue — flatulence is normal.
14. This "classification system" will have you saying RIP to all the abandoned and abused shopping carts in America.
15. Pop Sonnet will taketh your favorite songs and give them a house remix by DJ Willy Shakes.
Thou hast never heard such sick beats.
Promising review: "There's a sonnet for every mood. Feeling nostalgic? There's "Alice's Restaurant," "House of the Rising Sun," or "Mrs. Robinson." Need a post-hockey playlist? "Sweet Caroline" and "Don't Stop Believin'" at your service. Looking for your daily earworm? The Proclaimers deliver. I even got Rickrolled (only the second person to ever get me — bravo, sir!) Old soul that I am, I knew nothing of the original songs from Indina Menzel or Nicki Minaj, but loved the sonnets anyway! This is a great gift for every lover of beautiful words — be they written, spoken, or sung." —Lyn Young
Get it from Amazon for $13.96.
16. This is a collection of classic canine poems such as, "I Lose My Mind When You Leave the House."
Featuring work by renowned doggy poets, such as Edgar Allen Pug and J.R.Terrier.
Promising review: "I love a good dog book — and by good, I mean one that doesn't make me cry. This fit the bill perfectly. My favorite poems were definitely the ones involving separation anxiety, and not getting doggy dinner served on time. I can so relate." —Knitting Ninja
Get it from Amazon for $10.83.
17. This crafting guide provides a Pinterest board of things you can do with cat hair. Phew, all your problems are solved.
18. The Very Hungry Zombie should not be read to human children. Read them the caterpillar one instead.*
19. This Bill Murray coloring book is great for anyone who has tried calling the Ghostbusters with no luck.
If you can't talk to Bill Murray about the demon living in your fridge, color with him instead.
Promising review: "I mean, why am I even writing this? You for sure have purchased this already, and are just self-congratulating by reading this." —Kurt Tillmanns
Get it on Amazon for $10.63.
20. Strangers Have The Best Candy will make any parent clench their fists and begin to weep.
DO NOT TALK TO STRANGERS SUSIE! I DON'T CARE WHAT THE BOOK SAYS!
Promising review: "Everyone has heard the warning about taking candy from strangers: Don’t do it. Strangers can be weird, devious, and even downright dangerous. But is that true for all strangers? Of course not. After all, a person is only a stranger to us simply because we don’t know them; at least not yet. But what if we looked at 'strangers' as people who have the ability to transform, enlighten, and even entertain us? That is what's at the heart of Margaret Schulte’s book. When you view the lives, experiences, and stories of the people you meet every day as though it were candy, you can begin to interact with other people in an entirely new and wonderful way." —Susan Barton
Get it from Amazon for $13.49.
21. This collection contains the weirdest, creepiest, crappiest examples of taxidermy. Ever.
Promising review: "Hilarious! The tears were streaming down my face, and I kept bursting into huge belly laughs. Sick, twisted, bizarre, WTF?, snorting-milk-through-your-nose funny, with creepily weird, absolutely hysterical photos of the most pathetic examples of the taxidermy 'arts' from around the world." —Marycat, Consumer Queen
Get it from Amazon for $9.46.
22. F in Exams will make you feel better about all the tests, SATs, ACTs, etc. that you didn't ace.
Q: What is the highest-frequency noise that a human can register?
A: Mariah Carey.
Promising review: "I couldn't stop laughing at the pure, simple perspective through which we once saw the world; this book captures the innocence and creativity of youth. It is a book every adult should read, traveling back to the time of textbooks and test anxiety, and feeling just a bit empathetic for (and a little jealous of) our children and grandchildren going through it now. A great book to share." —Jodi
Get it from Amazon for $9.51.
23. Finally, this book. I am uncomfortable.
Promising review: "I didn't even get past the table of contents..." —Scientia est Deus
Get it from Amazon for $9.95.
*must buy them all*