It's finally April, which famously brings us showers, May flowers, pilgrims...and Mario and Luigi. Loving this new addition to the April canon, courtesy of the most baffling Associated Press tweet I've ever seen:
April is the cruelest month, breeding lilacs out of the dead land, mixing memory and desire, stirring dull roots with spring rain. https://t.co/3ID91uMXvn
Now on to the funniest tweets by women this week. Make sure you follow all these hilarious ladies on Twitter!
1.
What’s terrifying is that this could happen to any of us who pay hush money to swing elections. https://t.co/BftW5QRxNF
2.
who do you think is the most sexually attractive muppet? I think Animal FUCKS
3.
the beautician when I go for my wax: https://t.co/ZdFOTIFVjM
4.
I sometimes want to have kids just so I can be the star of someone else’s therapy session
5.
logged on and saw some guy railing against salad. how do any of these people go to the bathroom
6.
if I was JK Rowling’s editor and she said “in my wizarding world there’s slavery. And abolitionism is embarrassing ” I would have said fucking what
7.
At a school art fair and spent a while marveling at the depth of this 6th grader’s piece titled “feel the feeling” before I realized the painting had just slipped out of the cardboard frame and was on the floor below it
8.
literally so addicted to the seeming absence of any hints at plot or development or commentary in the Barbie movie trailers and leaks we’ve seen so far….. I have no idea what this movie could possibly be about besides Barbie. love it 10/10
9.
why are you unsubscribing from this email list? ☑️you no longer want to receive these ☑️you never signed up at all, you just bought one thing from this place two years ago and now they're emailing you daily like you're their son
10.
ok
Jason: "Trump got indicted!"
Lauren: "I heard!"
Jason: "Lauren I miss you so much"
11.
I posted that article about Disney World being difficult and everyone was like "its not difficult you just download Genie Plus to check for wait times and Aladdin Ultra Carpet to book rides, book all your meals and snacks through Rataoullie Rat Meal Extreme 4 years in advance"
12.
At lunch with my (non online) bestie and she was like "wow that guy looks like a movie star" and then I turn around to see who she's looking at, and it is literally Rami Malek
13.
I just feel like I would care more about politicians if
14.
In recognition of "Confederate History Month," I'd like to point out that as an NCO in the Army of the United States, I am authorized to accept on behalf of my Commander the full and unconditional surrender of anyone still flying the battle flag of the Army of Northern Virginia.
15.
Listen some of us did not marry off our Barbie’s. Some of us performed surgical experiments on them and used them to reenact the French Revolution and now we live in LA and do comedy and that’s cool too.
16.
forgot how hard it is to be single. now i have to go back to using condoms? and shaving? and showering regularly, and brushing my teeth and washing my hands and wearing deodorant and stop hissing stop hissing at the strangers stop hissing stop
17.
Millennials watching Gen-Z post about how quaint the post 9/11 Bush years must have been
18.
me, experiencing trauma: at least I’ll write a good joke about this
19.
when i was in college i accidentally stumbled upon a secret society meeting and i didn’t know who they were (they were in robes, i thought they were just LARPing nerds) so i interrupted to ask them where the black box theater was
20.
When I was 8 I told kids I had an imaginary pet dragon and somehow I got turned into the school psychologist who made me attend mandatory therapy w her until she forced me to admit the dragon was fake and like…honestly, that was psycho behavior on her part
21.
My dog is a golden retriever mix and I always thought he looked exactly like a purebred golden but today I went to the dog park and saw a purebred right next to him and he looked like we ordered him on Wish :(
22.
Lol my daughter told me lately at school recess she’s been gardening and I was like what and she said “I asked the recess teacher if I could just have a bit of earth”
23.
u guys think death is the worst thing to happen to a fictional character. the worst thing is actually becoming a cop after a timeskip.
24.
Women’s sexual fantasies be like “I wish I ran away from my arranged marriage and a cowboy who was paid by my fiancé tracks me down to take me home but on the way back we get into hijinks and fall in love” and men’s fantasies be like “idk anal”
25.
this is peak midwestern hotness but a lot of people can’t handle it, i know he smells like outside and mustard
26.
i had an english teacher in high school who would stand outside his classroom between classes next to a huge picture of shakespeare and wait for people to tell him he looked like shakespeare
27.
Mom: your father wants to talk to you about something. Me: … Mom: it’s about this word, “woke.” He wants you to write an article Me: oh god Mom: it’s called “republicans aren’t woke, they’re broke”
28.
i missed hinge so much 🫡
"Aren't you just a cutie :) Doctor Strange went through our date 69 million times & we ended up making love in all of them 😉 (bonus points if you get the reference) fwb, cuddles & chill? :)"
29.
I helped a Nazi cover-up their swastika tattoo today. Looking at it now you'd never know it was there, pretty wild what six feet of dirt can do.
30.
thinking about the couple from my high school who did couples therapy after 4 months of dating when they were 16
Don't miss the funniest tweets by women in March:
If You Don't Cackle Like A Hyena At These 35 Viral Tweets By Women, You Have No Sense Of Humor