March was a great month for people with seasonal depression, Gwyneth Paltrow, and funny tweets by women! But first, congratulations to hintofsuspense, whose comment about this tweet wins Funniest Comment on last week's roundup:
Make sure you follow all these funny ladies on Twitter!
1.
I would not care if my husband cheated on me publicly with a friend nearly so much as I would care if my husband wore this hat.
2.
white ppl snapped when they said “I don’t give a rat’s ass”
3.
look at the glass of wine this bar poured me😭
4.
I always think my feelings are SO COMPLICATED but then Spring happens and I’m like oh no wait I’m fine
5.
This Chipotle bathroom sign is what a lot of dating app bios should say
"Inconveniently unavailable"
6.
My mom: so as long as you keep all your bank balances below $250k, your money is insured Me: ok that should be…..fine…
7.
Twitter is full of women who see this pic and think “back then I’d be the happy big tiddy bimbo who other women side eye for being hot” but I’ve interacted with enough of you to know that in the 60s you’d all be in mental asylums
8.
watching vows from straight weddings is so disheartening. The bride is always reciting poetry like “from this moment until forever, my heart beats for you and you alone” meanwhile the groom is like “I’ll be happy as long as you keep my belly full and my balls empty”
9.
Doesn't feel like an oops at all. Feels fairly deliberate https://t.co/aLgSAnF24I
Photo of Cap'n Crunch's Limited Edition Oops! All Red Berries
10.
having a chill night hbu
Google search: "tiny explosions inside my oven"
11.
department of sanitation once again sending mixed messages. if you want me to hate the rats then why are we accessorizing them??
Picture of a very cute rat with a rolling suitcase on a flyer that says, "Send rats packing! Setout times for waste are changing April 1. (No joke!)"
12.
The most important step in making dinner for your boyfriend is staring at him while he eats the first bite then whimpering “you hate it & me”
13.
Season 4 of Emily in Paris is going to be a real one.
Photo of protests in Paris
14.
@TheLincoln I believe in using Vaseline as a marital aid while the kids are young. You don't use it as lube, you put it on the doorknob so the kids can't get the bedroom door open.
15.
they could play brothers do you know what i mean
Photos of Chewbacca and Jason Segel
16.
ask a guy how his day was and he'll give you a one word response but ask him what's the strongest animal you think he could take in a fight and you'll learn more about him and how he views the world than you ever could otherwise
17.
joe biden must issue a presidential order banning the production of this specific top (all colors) until we can figure out what is going on ... top of choice for the reality tv villains/the meanest, nastiest person you know ...
Photo of cropped tank top with criss-cross halter neckline
18.
i love when bands are like “we haven’t played our most popular three songs but we’re leaving the stage now…..don’t ask us to come back out….we won’t do it…..don’t even think about chanting…..”
19.
Me when my husband finds my tweets about him
"I'm being fun."
20.
Personally I never look up the lyrics to Hozier songs. It feels like an invasion of privacy. If Andrew wanted me to know the words he would’ve enunciated
21.
Person 1: "Honestly I've been thinking and to be fully candid I got out of a pretty long relationship like 5 months ago that I'm still in the process of letting go of. I genuinely had a very nice time hanging out and you seem super cool but I really don't wanna waste your time and the more I think about it I'm just not in a place to date right now"
Person 2: "You'll pay for this"
22.
going to start saying "oooooOOOOoooOo" like we did as kids when someone got called to the principal's office whenever a cafe calls out someone's name to get their order
23.
Me being unreasonably picky on dating apps
Puppet 1: "Piss off. You're not my type!"
Puppet 2: "What is your type then you ungrateful freak!!?"
24.
Legit call from the school: Principal: I just wanted to touch base with you. Your daughter was baiting seagulls into the playground with gummy worms and actually caught one; Like in her arms. It did bite her—not hard, but I needed to inform you that we filed an incident report
25.
my boyfriend is going through his notes
Notes app: "Tinder but for fights"
26.
This woman on Love Is Blind just entirely fell asleep on the couch as a man was mid-professing his love to her… she is an icon and she is the moment
27.
god gave his cringiest copy to his best smelling candles
"Your best friend be like: Girl, stop and smell the roses. Girl, hashtag blessed isn't just a meme, it's a mantra. Quit beating yourself up, you're doing great Babe. Cherish what you have & stop comparing your life to the 'gram. You've got so many things coming your way xo"
28.
i just watched a girl get a facetime call from her friend telling her she’s pregnant and she was like squealing “omg yay this is the best news i’m so happy for you” then she hung up and said “that is so fucked up” out loud to no one
29.
No one asked her where the bones for her broth came from
30.
[me receiving an email]: why does god hate me
31.
I’m deleting dating apps and going back to bed with my vibrator
Person 1: "Hey I know it's in 45 minutes but can we postpone our date? My friend just showed me his NFT collection (he has 3 apes) and I want to record a podcast about it with him lol"
Person 2: "That's fine"
32.
i love poetic people like wym u wanna swim in my eyes
33.
If it’s new poll results it’s gotta be from cat turd
"Trump crushes DeSantis in new poll conducted by @catturd2, March 22, 2023. Trump: 69%. DeSantis: 24%."
34.
what's the wildest thing you've seen in retail? I worked in a store that installed a massive chandelier made entirely of wine bottles and IT CAME CRASHING DOWN IN THE MIDDLE OF A SHIFT...and they just, like, put up a caution sign, lol.
35.
i had a strange experience at a restaurant last night where my ex used to work at so i texted him about it (we are on good terms but don't talk often) and he hit me back with this absolute roast
Person 1: "I just went to [REDACTED] for the first time and had an extremely puzzling experience and thought of you 😂"
Person 2: "I hope you also find humor in this but yesterday I was prescribed Zoloft and it reminded me of you"
Don't miss last week's funniest tweets by women:
25 Exceptionally Hilarious Viral Tweets That Prove Women Are The Funniest People On Earth